I Need You So Much Closer
by Kitty Kat
Summary: Updated 1.06.06 Sequel to This Brilliant Dance. When Ashley decides to move to New York, how will it rock the Degrassi community?
1. One Eighty By Summer

**I Need You So Much Closer**

**Sequel to: This Brilliant Dance**

Summary (a.k.a. so you don't have to go read all 39,680 words of TBD): TBD was a JT/Ash and then became a Sean/Ash. I Need You... will start off as a Sean/Ash. Also: Cr/Em, Manny/Spin, Marco/Dylan, bits of Toby/Liberty, and I may even re-introduce Marco/Sean. Ellie has died of apparent suicide. If you wonder how the hell all of that happened in a simple 11 chapter story, go read it.

**C****hapter 1: One-Eighty by Summer**

Disclaimer: "I Need You So Much Closer" belongs to the song "Transatlanticism" which belongs to Death Cab for Cutie. "One Eighty by Summer" belongs to Taking Back Sunday. Degrassi belongs to CTV and Epitome. Thanks for wasting my time.

I sit alone in my room, my cell, my torture chamber. They gave me a huge diagnosis; the bottom line is that I'm insane. So, they decided the only way to bring sanity back into my life was to send me here. My days are now filled with group therapy and chats with doctors. I'm so normal, so no one has a clue what to make of me. "Why is he here? Who in their right mind would commit someone like that to our care? Must be bad parenting. Nine times out of ten, that's the case." I'm sure that's what their behind-closed-doors chats are saying. Face it, I am J.T. Yorke, I am a genius, and you cannot hide anything from me so don't even try.

I am J.T. Yorke. I am not troubled. This is the last place in the world I should be, and everyone knows it. My heart is not here. My heart is with the wonderful Ashley Kerwin, wherever she may be. On the same account, Toby is a liar. Who does he think he is, coming to my insane asylum where I shouldn't be, and telling me that Sean and Ashley are sleeping together? He even said they're living together, like they even could. It's all very preposterous. They're, at best, very good friends. Ashley will always belong to me and no one else. Everyone would see if I was just able to leave here. Ashley would take me back, and Toby would shut the hell up and never mention his awful lies about the love of my life ever again.

I sit and stare at the bare walls in my room. We're not allowed to have pictures. I guess paper cuts can be deadly. Har har. So, I stare manically at the walls where I imagine my pictures of Ashley would be. First, I would cover that awful stain with the 8x10 of us at the Homecoming dance earlier in the year. Right next to it, I would put the snapshot of her in a black and white bikini at the pool last summer. On second thought, maybe that one would be under my pillow for lonely nights. There are so many other memories that we captured through film, and yet, none if it can be here to help me "heal" from my "sickness". I laugh out loud and roll onto my side.

My eyes are half closed when I hear the knock at the door. "Come in," I mumble in the highest voice I can manage. Laurie, a forty-ish nurse and reigning president of the J.T. Yorke fan club, pushes the door open.

"You have a visitor," she says with a less than contented voice. I drag myself out of bed, racking my brain for who it could be. My parents made their bi-weekly trip on Tuesday, and Toby vowed to be here at his usual time of 7:00 on Thursday. Come to think of it, it might be Thursday. Probably is. I look down at the mess of clothes I have to wear and shrug. There's nothing to say or do that would change them, so accepting them is the only way of coping.

The visitor's lounge is quiet with a mother and her daughter, whom I know from around to be Ryan, the girl who got pregnant, and a solitary figure on the completely opposite side. I would know that hair that covers her eyes anywhere. Her slouched posture and her soft hands cradling her head are such trademark Ashley. At first, I walk slowly because I think she's a hallucination. After touching her hair and realizing how real she is, I gather her in my arms, as coordinated as possible seeing how we're in folding chairs. "I missed you," she whispers. I smile. Toby, ya damn liar, you really should be hear to witness this. "I just couldn't face you. Not after what I did."

"I forgive you!" I practically scream. "You're here now, and I love you more than I ever have, that's all that matters."

"No, J.T., wait," she says. Wait? Wait for what? "I just mean I missed you being around. Being you. I don't want you back; please don't think I'm leading you on. I've done enough damage."

"Ashley, what are you saying?"

"We were more than lovers. We were friends. That's why we had such a beautiful and eccentric relationship, while it lasted. J.T., you have to understand that that is over. We need to start a new relationship, one that is pure friendship. I need you, J.T. I need to know you're OK. I don't want to get reports from Toby before homeroom anymore. I want to be able to see you, to see for myself."

"Ashley," I say, the totally normal tears bleeding from my eyes. "Ashley, they all think I'm crazy. And I'm not! There's only one thought keeping me sane. Ashley, the thoughts of getting out of here to be with you are the only rational thoughts I have. Please don't desert me."

"What did you think was going to happen?" she asks, her eyes piercing through my tears.

"We're in love, Ashley. You know that."

"J.T., no, we're not." For once, her ever present message gets through, although I'm not sure why. I see in her eyes what I've always been overlooking: a feeling of emptiness, a longing for someone else.

"I've never been man enough for you," I whisper.

She sighs, but doesn't refute me. "I still need you, to be my friend."

"You need me so you can get over your guilt," I say through clenched teeth. It's all coming together, and it infuriates the hell out of me.

"Come on, don't say that. We have an amazing bond, and you'd be lying to yourself if you didn't acknowledge that."

"You don't need me now, and I wouldn't be surprised to find out that you never did. Fuck you, Ashley. You need to leave."

"I can't go back there," she pleads. "Not yet."

"Well, you can't stay here."

I walk away from my only true love in disgust. Now, do you wonder why I'm totally insane?

_"Go on just say it   
(Sincerely and sure)   
You need me like a bad habit   
One that leaves you   
Defenseless   
Dependent   
And alone."_

It's hard to be 18 years old and practically married. In fact, it's a bitch. I am in love with Ashley Kerwin, there's no damn doubt about it in anyone's mind. It's just a harder relationship to deal with than most. I long for the simplicity of my relationship with Emma Nelson. Through all our shit, there was probably a commanding lack of love, but hell, at least she didn't live at my fucking house. With no fucking parents. Sleeping together whenever neither of us is tired. Dealing with bills and rent and only a marginal trickle of money.

The thing is Ashley can't get a job. It's absolutely essential for both our sakes that she keeps her grades and extracurriculars so she can get into college. At best, I'll probably do community college for a few classes at night and try to get a degree in something. So, I'm out in the working world already. I actually work my brother's old job at the plant cleaning up the metal. The things I see on a daily basis would make Emma Nelson cringe herself right into a heart attack. I work from 4-10 leaving an hour after school and before work. That's usually reserved for homework and maybe a quick catnap, but if I have a project for anyone, then that cancels out everything else. On a normal night, I'm doing homework until 11. On a project night, make that midnight. As one could imagine, this leaves very little time for Sean and Ashley time, since she's asleep at midnight no matter what. I can't blame her, she's up at 6 taking a shower and doing the things that girls do. Since I shower every night after work, I don't wake up until 7:50. I put on the jeans and hoodie Ash picks out and then we're out the door in 2 minutes.

So, one can imagine the stress. As ready as you think you are to have another person sleep in your bed with you every night, you're not. Especially not at our age. Ashley is incredibly mature; she's 18 going on 35. I'm not running around acting 2, but my temper makes me seem very immature at times. She's very good about dealing with me, but sometimes, I just want to act like an 18 year old. I want to go out and drink and have a good time like everyone else, maybe sneaking in a few kisses with girls, and even guys, when the opportunity arises. However, the circumstances aren't up for changing, and there's no way I can survive without Ashley. No way in hell.

It's a Sunday, my only day off, and so I'm taking in total relaxation. A quick mental note assures me that I have no schoolwork to complete, and I sigh, obviously relieved. Ashley's at a canned food drive, but sure to be home any minute. I open a beer and turn on the TV. It's obvious she was the last one watching it since some celebrity gossip show comes up first. I watch it half-heartedly as I search for the remote. All I want to do is watch a few games, get my mind off my "wife" as the guys at school so lovingly put it. No matter how indifferent I act, sometimes I do want some guy time, but I don't actively pursue it.

"At this year's Oscars, Ashley Judd was looking extraordinarily wonderful on the arm of Dario Franchitti. Although her dress was magnificent, I could do without that hair..." Click. Does everything I do have to be about an Ashley?

"That's right, everyone's favorite holiday, and with Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen being legal, the festivities were well in order." Another channel, another Ashley. Click.

Some dark haired chick not talking about anyone named Ashley. Hey, that chick's actually pretty hot. What is this show? Some kind of reality thing? Oh, it's that show that Jessica Simpson's little sis has. It's not half bad. The chick can't sing, but who cares? I'd bang her and her sister. That would be hot. "....to present my sister, Ashlee Simpson!" Click. Goddamnit. Must every chick in America be named that?

I decide to be safe and turn off the TV. I turn on the stereo and let myself fall asleep. Ashley will wake me up when she comes back anyways.

_"Cliché like your name   
My voice and the center   
"I've been trying to forget ya"   
But I only sleep beneath you.   
And nothing's that important   
Not anymore."_

"Are you alright, Em? You've been acting distant all night."

"I'm fine, Craig," she assures me for the eighth time this hour. I still don't buy it.

"Is your spaghetti good?" I'm very proud of myself. I made her dinner and laid it out on her front yard in picnic form. I even have the picnic basket, as corny as it is.

"It's wonderful. This is all wonderful. I don't deserve this."

I feel like slapping her and squeezing her to death all at the same time. "You deserve the world, Emma. I don't deserve you."

"You saved me," she says barely over a whisper.

"Excuse?" I say in a fake Italian accent.

"I don't know how I would have survived this past year if it weren't for you. Even when we weren't together, you know, you just being there meant the world to me. Thank you."

"You're acting very emotional tonight," I comment, brushing a tear as it threatened to spill over her eye.

"Sorry," she says.

"So, you're going to be having a pretty huge birthday coming up," I say casually. I'm still totally clueless as to what to get the girl I love.

"I'm going to be an adult, can you believe it?"

"Not at all. Then again, I still don't believe that I'm an adult."

"Well, if I remember correctly, you're going to be graduating here pretty soon."

My smile fades. I got the acceptance letter from Columbia today. It's been my dream since I was 6, and my mom took me to Manhattan on a business trip. I can't decide if I'm going to tell Emma or not. Chances are I'm just going to Toronto so I can stay near my family and Em and all of the grade 12s who are going there, too. "Yea," I say meekly.

"Have you heard from Columbia yet?" she asks earnestly.

I give a weak smile. "I didn't get accepted."

"I'm so sorry," she says, crawling onto my lap. I give a passing glance to her house, but then I remember that her family is out with another family with a toddler they met at Jack's day care.

"It's a blessing in disguise. I can stay here with you now."

"Yay!" she cheers. I chuckle at her. Suddenly, her face grows dim again, and she crawls off my lap.

"Em?" I ask.

"Craig," she says, cutting me off. She looks up, and I notice the tears are back. "Don't get mad."

_"Are you ashamed to say what you want to?   
(Well are you?)   
Tell me you want to.   
Say it.   
Go on.   
Just say it."_

I don't know how in the world I'm supposed to break this news to him. I'm so scared of how he'll respond. When Manny told him, didn't he want her to keep it? Didn't he get mad when she had an abortion?

Things are different now. Money's already super tight, and he's leaving for college in 6 months. These are his partying years, and I don't want to tie him down. Maybe I should just have the abortion and not tell a soul. Maybe if I can hold out 2 more months, then I can do it without even mom knowing.

I know I can't. I already love this baby so much, and I just found out yesterday. I just wish we could've waited a few more years.

"Emma, what is it?" he asks, looking seriously worried now.

I can't tell him. Everything in my body is screaming at me to just tell him already, but I hold my tongue. I don't even know for sure yet, why would I tell him? It doesn't make any sense. "Sorry," I say wiping my tears. "I just wanted to tell you that I'm full." I push the half-eaten plate towards the center of the blanket.

"Emma, can you please just tell me what's really going on? You don't expect me to buy that, do you? Not even in your most emotional state do I believe that you're crying because you couldn't finish dinner. Tell me the truth."

The truth? I don't trust myself with the truth. I trust you more than anyone, Craig, but I still can't. It's too harsh. "I'm just stressing. I need you to touch me."

He looks at me questioningly but obeys me none the less. He comes over to my side of the blanket and wraps one arm around my waist. Since I'm sitting cross-legged, he rests his other hand on the inside of my thigh. His hand is turning me on. I want him so bad that I can barely stand it. I put my own hand on top of his and slowly move it upwards. "Are you sure?" he asks, his voice coated in concern. "You don't seem like you're in the mood."

"Don't talk," I say, covering his lips with my own. I kick off my shoes and move the food off the blanket as he kisses my neck. I moan out a few times in complete ecstasy, never wanting him to stop. As soon as the blanket is cleared, I lay down on it.

"Em, we can't," he says, suddenly stopping.

"Why not?" I ask, taking breaks in between kissing his chest to talk.

"I don't have a condom. Besides, we can't do it out here. What if your parents come home?"

We don't need a condom, I want to tell him. But I'm still not ready. It would be so hot if we did it out here. Damnit. Everything always has to end up sucking. "Fine," I say breathlessly, giving up on his chest. "We can go to my room. I have a box down there."

_"I hold my tongue   
Use it to assess   
The damage from way back when it mattered   
Feel aroundGet cozy   
Go crazy   
Get comfortable.   
We're just protecting ourselves from ourselves."_

After he stormed out cursing me out, it would be the safe and normal thing to quietly leave. I didn't want to leave, however. Sean doesn't want me home, and I didn't want to leave J.T. like this. Not after everything he's done for me. And in return, I broke him. All I want to do is make things right again. Toby says he's not there in the head anymore. I had to see it for myself.

After I did, all I wanted was to erase the memory. I look around the dingy "hospital," and I didn't fail to notice the day's uncanny similarities to the day he wound up at my house, looking close to death. My head is throbbing, and, finally, I give in to it. I rest it in my hands which are on my knees. I look like crap. I don't think I can drive. What did I say wrong?

"You're still here?" I hear an incredulous voice ask.

"J.T.," I whisper.

"I didn't mean those things. I need you, too."

"I'm sorry I hurt you."

He waves his hand and brushes the thought off. "What doesn't kill you..."

"I broke you," I say, now starting to sob.

"Don't give yourself all the credit. I like to think I was fucked up before you."

I manage a small laugh. "Sean doesn't even know I'm here."

"I hear you're living with him now," he says. I nod without meeting his stare. "How's that going?"

"Not perfect, but I never imagined it would be."

"He's lucky, so lucky," he says, brushing the hair on the back of my head. I suddenly feel all the effects of not sleeping last night, anticipating this. I lay my head on his lap. He continues to stroke my hair.

The silence is comforting. I almost nod off, and then I realize that I have to leave. "I have to go back to Sean now, but I'll be back before the weeks over. Take it easy, kid."

"Sure," he says, kissing my cheek. I smile with a disappointed expression on my face. He doesn't bring it up, and I turn on my heel and leave. How did that happen?

_"So forfeit yourself   
Give me up. Give me up.   
And make something more to your liking.   
A poet   
Oh, prince   
I don't think I'll ever come back down."_

So, this is weird. Never in my life did I think it would come to this. And I still don't know how it did.

First, I made good on my promise to visit Paige, even if it was a few months later than he expected. Then, I went to his house to tell him just how fine she really is. After that good news, he seemed ready to celebrate. I couldn't help it. The way he looked at me, God, I just couldn't help myself.

Me and Spinner? List that under never thought would happen. There's a good chance he was just using me. It's not exactly a secret that I'm not a virgin. I know, huge shocker, right?

If he was using me, that's pretty scummy. Would I be severely disappointed? We just made out. It's not like he's my one and only true love or anything. In fact, I'm pretty sure I'm incapable of ever receiving love from a male. Yet, being used by Spinner isn't the most horrible thing in the world. He's quite cute, and it's not like there's any friendship between us to fuck up. And he doesn't have a girlfriend right now, so that's always a plus.

Who am I kidding? I'm already making our wedding invitations. "You are cordially invited to the union of Gavin Mason and Manuela Santos..." Hopefully, this won't be because he knocked me up.

I'm not a slut. I'm just misunderstood.

Spinner's calling! Why does that make me so excited?

You are cordially invited...

_"Are you ashamed to say what you want to?   
Tell me you want to.   
Even after all we taught you   
Still,   
It just seems pointless   
With all the obvious lines all out of focus."_

"Morning Ash," I say as I sit next to her in homeroom. She looks like shit, but I won't mention it.

"Hey Craiggers," she says.

I still can't believe how lucky I am that she's my friend. She's so beautiful, inside and out, and I was a total jackass to her. Her life kind of went down the crapper, too, and it kind of sucks that she's so tied down so young. Although, I know I could do it for Emma. I guess Ash and Sean are really in love.

"Was that English a bitch or what?"

"Kwan's the bitch," she retorts. I laugh. "Seriously though, 10 workbook pages? About grammar? Who does that?"

"I know what you mean. It took me an hour to do 4, and then I gave up."

"Here," she says, passing her pages over to me.

"Why, Ashley Kerwin, are you condoning cheating?" I say playfully.

"If you get caught, you took them without my knowledge."

"Deal," I say and start to fill in my blank answers.

"So, how's Em-time?" she asks, using a nickname that she gave Emma in grade 11.

"I don't know," I say, still filling in answers. "She was so off yesterday, it was weird. She was so emotional about everything. She started to cry because she only ate half the spaghetti I gave her."

"That is weird," Ashley agreed. "Must be her cycle."

"That's nice," I say, rolling my eyes. "How's Seanathan?"

"Tired. Stressed. You know."

Actually, I don't, but I nod anyways. After finishing most of the papers, I finally glance back up. Her eyes are glossed over, and she's totally not with it. "Earth to Ashley," I say, running my hand in front of her eyes.

"I'm sorry. I was just thinking."

I wonder if there was ever a time that Degrassi wasn't filled with so much drama.

_"Still,   
(You sing you sing you sing)   
Why can't you just be happy?   
Why can't you just be happy?"_

"Spinner, stop," she tells me before physically removing my hand from the top of her belt.

"Why?" I ask.

"I don't want this to happen yet. I want to make sure you like me."

"Manny, I love you, now let's have sex."

"Spinner, what's your problem?"

Why do you have to be so dramatic? I know you do this, stop playing games. "Alright, alright. You're right, I'm stopping."

The truth is I'm actually starting to like Manny's company. She's a little more tolerable than Paige. She doesn't totally control me, but who knows what will happen once we start dating? You don't know a girl until you've seen her ugly side.

"Do you want to go see Pirates of the Caribbean 2 Friday?" I ask.

"Is that the Johnny Depp movie?"

"Uhm, yea."

"Well, is it a date?"

"Yea. I can't take Jimmy because he'll say I'm hanging out with Marco too much, and I can't take Marco for obvious reasons."

"Sure, I've wanted to go see it."

This is so weird. Could it be Spinner Mason and Manny Santos on a real date? How did I get here?

_"I'll just say it.   
Live up to your first impression   
My best side was your worst invention   
"Can't you live without the attention?"   
Defenseless.Can't you live without the attention?   
Dependent.   
Can't you live without the attention?"_


	2. Somewhere Only We Know

**I Need You So Much Closer**

A/N: I hope I didn't scare off readers by the total fuck-up of formatting that the last chapter had for like a day and a half. Finally, I thought it was all fixed, and then realized that the bottom part had gone missing. So, go back and make sure you read the end. It was Manny/Spin related. P.S. I can't wait until I finally find a chapter worthy of 'She Will Be Loved.' That's one of those few pop songs that are truly incredible.

**Chapter 2: Somewhere Only We Know**

Disclaimer: 'Somewhere Only We Know' owned by Keane. Degrassi owned by Epitome and CTV.

I yawn slightly and check the clock again. It's only 6. Sean won't be done for 4 hours. There is absolutely nothing for me to do except sit around and wait, which is the absolute worst. I could go visit JT, but I'm not sure if I'm ready for whatever he has to say to me. I decide that I'll go take a walk, maybe visit Toby and take him somewhere.

I sit in my car for a long time, the keys in the ignition, but I just can't turn it on. I don't feel like driving, but I don't feel like going back inside. I pull them out, hard, and open my door in the same motion. I slam my door as if I'm terribly angry with my car and storm away from it.

I remember finding a path to Sean's from my house when we were "seeing each other." I almost forgot about it until my feet found themselves treading in the same familiar dirt. My lips form themselves into the first smile I've had in awhile. Back then, I believed everything so complicated and tangled. Little did I know, right? Looking back on it, I still can't believe half the shit that's happened.

I broke up with the most amazing and caring person on the planet for … I don't know. I love Sean with every ounce of my being, but it seems so trite. Sometimes, it even seems cliché. I'm the cliché. This amazing and caring person is now amazingly insane and even in a mental hospital. I'm practically married, and my boyfriend/husband has to work a real job so we can pay bills. And we're barely 18. My best friend is dead. She killed herself because I couldn't save her. If I wrote a book, no one would believe it. There's no way so much pain could have been inflicted on one human being.

The path leads me to the Don River. Toronto's surrounded by water, and this is just the start of it. A seat beckons me near the bank of the river, and I soon find myself surrounded by wet dirt and leaves. The experience I get here is sort of life-altering. It's as if my being leaves my body and takes shelter in nature. I know how crazy I must seem, crazier than JT even, but it all makes sense to me. Every single damn thing I've ever thought makes sense to me.

Why can't I be happy? I am young. I'm in love. I am free. I am talented. I have a bright fucking future. I don't yearn for any certain thing. Am I really free? Maybe I'm not free. Maybe I'm more trapped than those with the strictest parents.

I need to go see Toby.

"_I walked across an empty land,  
I knew the pathway like the back of my hand,__  
I felt the earth beneath my feet,  
Sat by the river and it made me complete."_

I feel my body tense as it does before something brutal happens. It always does. My muscles are, like, psychic or something. It's weird. I hear the faint ting of pebbles being thrown at my window. Just as I suspected, it's Ash. I walk over to the window and slam it open. "Give me a minute," I whisper loud enough for her to hear. It's dusk, so I can still make her out a little. She nods and disappears into our backyard woods.

I grab an older pair of tennis shoes and slip past dad and Kate on the couch. It takes me longer than usual to find her. She's picked herself a good hiding place this time. "You know," I say approaching her slouched figure, "Kate would love to see you, if you wanted to come in sometime."

"I think I'll pass," she says, not turning around. I sit cross-legged in front of her. She sustains the silence, so I decide to start talking.

"I saw him today."

"How is he?"

"Why didn't you tell me you went to visit him, Ash?"

"It never came up."

"Well, he was very excited that you did. He said you were coming back sometime this week."

"I am."

"Don't hurt him more, Ash."

"I'm not stupid!" she screams running her right hand through her hair. Or, is it her left? I can't tell. Right. Definitely right. "He knows I'm living with Sean now."

"Only because I told him time after time. He's not all there. You can't take chances on someone like that."

"So, would you rather me let his mind rot without trying to save him? No, I'm going to save him. I'm sorry if that's not what you want. It's what he needs."

"You don't understand how it is for him."

"Everyone gets cheated sometime."

"He's dealing with it pretty rough."

"So did I, yet everyone conveniently forgets that." She heaves an exasperated sigh, and I reach out and grab her shoulder comfortingly. She looks at me and gives me a pleading smile. "How are you and Liberty?"

"We're surviving. We're 17 and stupid. I don't know. How's Sean?"

She chuckles softly. "He's surviving."

"No ring?" I ask hopefully.

She holds her hand up sarcastically. "There will never be a ring."

"Ahh, well, you never know. Have you decided on a school?"

"No. Toronto seems so, safe. I mean, I'm supposed to be safe now. I'm with Sean. But I could go to college and forget about what we're doing. We don't have to live together anymore. I will have somewhere to live that's not with Sean. I have so many options, Tobes. I'm confused."

"Well, where do you want to go?"

"I think about that a lot. I think about how appealing Stanford is just for its distance. I think about it a lot, but I could never leave Sean. It's not official or anything, but I love him. I can't imagine him not in my life."

"I understand," I say. I don't. Living with a boyfriend and no parents is so original and unique for a high school student. For a college student, it's reality. Sean and she are so stressed out. How will they make it?

"There's one thing, though," she says reserved.

"Which is?"

"Freshmen can't live off-campus unless they're married. I don't know if I want to be married. It's so early. Do you think I should tell Sean?"

"If you tell Sean, you have to prepare to say yes."

"This is true. Very true. What if he flips out and kicks me out?"

"He'll never just kick you out. You have a car, and…"

Ashley cuts me off. "Shit, I have to pick him up. It's almost 9, and the car is at the house."

"I could ride you back," I offer.

"No," she says with a passing glance to the direction of our house. "I'll walk thanks."

I shrug and watch her walk off.

"_Oh simple thing, where have you gone?  
I'm getting old and I need something to rely on,__  
So tell me when you're gonna let me in,__  
I'm getting tired and I need somewhere to begin."_

I've thrown up twice since home room. I've had the most splitting headache all day. I can't take it anymore. I wish I could, but pregnancy has made me weak. I push myself out of the double doors of the front of school and keep walking. No one's going to miss me. God, pregnancy has made me dramatic, too. Craig will ask questions. He always does.

I find myself at the ravine. I haven't been here in awhile. I'm still in SITE, but as the president, I've decided to take more of a passive approach in dealing with the environment. I find myself at the same grove that Sean and I were the day of our nasty last break-up.

I wonder how Mr. Cameron and Ms. Kerwin are. Ashley talks to Craig a lot, so we hang out sometimes, but I still haven't had a normal conversation with Sean since grade 9. I've been too busy, and lately too pregnant, to worry about him. However, the thought occurs to me at the oddest times that I really did love him. I was a different person when I was around him. It's a tricky path to go down because anything can trigger a happy memory or a depressing one.

I lay my torso back on the bank to relieve my body of its weight. My eyes flutter open and closed with my body protesting sleep. "Emma Nelson," a voice says, barely above a whisper as to not frighten me.

I turn around and see the least likely person on the planet to be standing behind me. "Oh my god," I croak out.

"Odd-ness," he says.

"Yea," I agree. Wonderful conversation, Em.

"I haven't been here since, well, you know…" he trails off.

"Yea," I say. "How are you, Sean?"

"I skipped lunch. I might just not go back. I didn't get much sleep last night."

I pat to the spot next to me, for whatever reason. "Come on down, the dirt is fine."

He laughs for about half a second. "Maybe I will." He joins me, and we laugh at the total irony. "Emma, is two years too late for an apology?"

"No," I say and turn my head towards the sky. "No, I think it's perfect timing."

"Really? Well, here goes then. I'm sorry for being a jackass when we broke up the last time. I'm sorry for stealing Mr. Simpson's computer. I'm sorry for not talking to you for two years. I'm sorry for hurting Ellie like I hurt you. I'm just sorry."

"I understand," I say, clutching his hand. "We're different now."

"You seem, like, the same."

"I don't know." I turn back over onto my side so I'm facing him. "Sean, if I tell you something, can I be sure it will be in total confidence?"

"Of course, Em. You don't even have to ask."

I sigh. I can't believe I'm telling Sean. "I got," I choke out, "I got pregnant."

"Oh shit," he says immediately turning to face me. "That's serious. What're you guys gonna do?"

"I haven't told Craig," I whisper. "I haven't known that long."

"You should be telling Craig."

"I know I should. I'm just worried about his reaction. I love this baby so much, and if he can't be with me and love me and this baby, I don't know what I'd do."

"Craig's a good guy, Em. He'll stay with you. He'll love you. He'll love the baby." I nod slightly. Sean's right. "That dude has got some good sperm." I playfully punch him in the arm.

After about five more minutes, we both decide to go back. I'm not willing to get screamed at tonight, and Sean didn't want to worry Ashley. On our way out, I put my hand on his arm to stop him. "Sean, look at that tree," I say referring to the fallen tree we're standing over.

"What about it?" he asks curiously.

"Nothing," I whisper. I lean down and brush some debris off of it. The bare trunk shows a heart with "E.N. and S.C." carved into it.

"Oh, that tree," he says quietly. "I forgot all about that."

"_I came across a fallen tree.  
I felt the branches of it looking at me.  
__Is this the place we used to love?  
Is this the place that I've been dreaming of?"_

Afternoon classes are always easier. I have shop right after lunch, so that's a plus. We've started working on our final projects already, so I have a lot of free time. I scribble a bunch of equations for my Algebra 2. Armstrong's a total bitch about all this.

Ashley grabbed me in the hall earlier, asking me where I was and all that. Good thing no one realized that Emma and I had both gone AWOL. Not like it matters; we just ended up sitting in the ravine talking anyways. Emma seems fine, other than that whole pregnancy thing, so I'm glad I didn't break her like I thought I did. She could've ended up worse. She could've end up like JT.

I walk up behind Ash after school and wrap my arms around her waist. I rest my head on her shoulder and gently kiss her neck while she talks to Craig. He eyes me suspiciously, but he doesn't say anything (to me). "Sunday, then?" he asks. I'm hoping they have a school project to work on so I can have my day of rest.

"Yup, we'll be there," she says grabbing my hand. I internally groan. Whatever she has planned is sure to be a dozy.

I take my left hand off her waist, and we start walking away. "What's that all about?" I ask.

"We're going on a double date Sunday. Craig, Em, you, and I are all going to that new club that's opening."

"Isn't that an over-18 club?" I ask.

"Yea, so?"

"Emma isn't 18."

"Oh," she says deep in thought. "Craig might have mentioned that. I think she has an I.D."

"You're telling me Emma Nelson has a fake I.D.?" I ask with my jaw almost on the ground.

She scoffs a bit. "Emma's changed a lot since you've dated her, Sean."

I let out a sigh. She doesn't know the half of it. I wonder if it's safe for us to hang out together, especially if Emma hasn't told Craig by then. It's always been obvious when Em and I have an inside secret, and Craig and Ash will immediately be able to see through us. They might even suspect "something." Maybe I'll talk to Emma tomorrow and convince her to tell Craig ASAP.

That's when it really hits me. Emma is going to be someone's mother. And as much hurt and jealousy I've felt over the last three years, it was dimmed by Ellie, Ashley, Marco, and even alcohol. This pain is real, and it rips through my gut. I was in love with Emma Nelson. I was in love with her, and I'm not sure if she was ever in love with me. Either way, I fucked up in the worst way, and now she's pregnant.

Emma's having a baby. I'm not the father. It hurts more than I anticipated.

_"Oh simple thing, where have you gone?  
I'm getting old and I need something to rely on,  
So tell me when you're gonna let me in,  
I'm getting tired and I need somewhere to begin."_

I half-mindedly wave goodbye to Ashley and Sean. I hope Emma doesn't mind that I've made plans for us all to get together Sunday night at that new club. I know her parents hate her going out on school nights, so I hope she can sneak away or say she's staying with Manny or something. Speaking of the devil, she's walking towards me now. I run over to her and lift her off the ground in a grand display of my affection.

I put her back down, and she begins to giggle. "What was that for?"

"For being the most beautiful," I kiss her forehead, "and sweet," I kiss her cheeks, "and magnificent girl to ever grace me with her presence," I kiss her on the lips. I see her blushing. It makes me so happy that after all this time my kisses still make her blush. "Can I walk you home?"

"Of course," she says leaning her head on my shoulder, so I put my arm around her to keep her safe and close to me. "I want to stop somewhere first though," she says, directing me away from the main road.

"Fine with me. I don't have to be home until, well, late."

On the way to wherever we're going, I tell her about our double date on Sunday. "So Sean's coming?" she asks.

"Yea, is that okay with you? I know you've had a rocky past and…"

"No," she says cutting me off. "That's perfectly alright. We're over that. I can see he's changed."

"Good," I say nestling my head in her perfectly straight blonde hair. "I didn't want to upset you."

"Here we are," she says motioning to the ground.

"The ravine?" I ask.

"Is this okay with you?"

"Yea, I guess, I just wasn't expecting this."

She sits down cross-legged, and I follow her lead. She cups my hands in her own and gives me an intent stare. "You were right the other day when you said that something was wrong. Something is wrong, or totally right, it depends on how you look at it."

She's surprisingly calm, and I'm very grateful that I don't have to deal with a PMS-ridden emotionally off-balanced teenage girl. "You can tell me anything, Em. I love you."

"I love you too," she says quickly. She takes a deep breath. "Craig, the thing is I am, I mean we are, pregnant. We're going to have a baby."

I sit back in shock. I don't know whether it's good shock or bad shock or what. It is just so damned unexpected. "A baby, Emma? You mean we're going to be parents?" She nods. "Wow."

"I know you must be upset, but I'm sorry. I have to have this baby. I can't just kill it like Manny did. I already love it so much, Craig. We always knew there was a chance of this happening…" I cut her off in a dramatic kiss. I want her to stop acting like I hate her now. I don't; I can't.

"Emma, we both know it's going to be tough. I want a family, Emma. Since the first time that I saw you, I've known I wanted you to be in my family. This baby," I say removing my hand from her's and placing it on her stomach, "is a miracle. Emma, I can't believe it. I'm so happy."

"You are?" she barely choked out. I scoop her up in my arms.

"It's what I've always wanted. If you want to do this, I'm here. This is incredible."

"You're not mad at me? Are you sure? You're going into college; I didn't want to tie you down or burden you. I didn't mean to."

"Emma, I'm so, so happy. You can't imagine. I won't be burdened. I can't wait."

"This is too good to be true. I was getting all prepared for you to dump me and never speak to me again. It would be easy, seeing as how you're leaving school in a few months."

"I don't think I could leave you if I tried," I answer truthfully. I feel so cheesy and romantic, but I'm so in love that it's blinding.

"_And if you have a minute why don't we go,  
Talk about it somewhere only we know?__  
This could be the end of everything,__  
So why don't we go,__  
Somewhere only we know?"_

I feel him slip his arm around me on the bus. Pretty soon, his hand, which had been inching downwards in a not so well-hidden move, rests on my belt line. "We'll be back at my house in like 5 minutes," I whisper.

"I want you right here, right now. That would be so hot."

"It would be so wrong. There are other people on the bus. Besides, it's not exactly sanitary."

"Maybe I should've let you drive."

"That's what I've been telling you," I whine.

"I'm just used to the bus. I thought it would be easier."

"Didn't Paige used to drive you everywhere?" I ask. He gives me a look in response.

"I don't bring up your ex-boyfriends every five minutes, so do you have to keep mentioning Paige?"

"What ex-boyfriends?" I scoff. "Craig and I weren't really a couple. JT and I went out for like 5 minutes. There's nothing for you to bring up. You and Paige, on the other hand…"

"What about us?"

"You went out for like 2 ½ years. That's a hell of a long time when you're in high school."

"We're not together anymore, that's all that matters."

"Whatever Spin," I say. He picks me up by my waist and puts me in his lap. I giggle slightly because I know that's what I'm supposed to do.

"Well, do you want to have a relationship?"

"Depends. Who would it be with?"

"I know this person who's pretty into you."

"Oh really? What's his name?"

"Who says it's a guy?"

"Shut up!" I say playfully punching him.

"Seriously, Manny, we've been on dates, we've done, you know, a lot. Even if we haven't done 'it,' I know why we haven't. I want to wait for you. But we can still be a couple, right?"

I smile. It's about as romantic as Spinner gets. "Sure. Oh look, here's our stop."

I walk off holding his hand as he walks behind me. We trek the short distance to my house. I check the driveway and only my car's there. We silently walk upstairs, and he begins kissing my neck. We go into my room, and we're kissing so hard now that I fall on my bed. He falls on top of me. "I don't know," I say coming up for air. "I haven't done this in awhile. I might not be all that good."

"Trust me," he says pulling a condom out of his wallet, "you'll be great."

"_Oh simple thing, where have you gone?  
I'm getting old and I need something to rely on,__  
So tell me when you're gonna let me in,__  
I'm getting tired and I need somewhere to begin."_

The car is picking up speed pretty quickly now. "Maybe you should slow down," I offer.

"Shut up," he says back. I do as I'm told.

We keep traveling west, and I still have no idea where we're going. I trust his judgement, but I'm getting a little scared. "Dyl, where are we going?"

"I told you, it's a surprise," he says sarcastically.

"Right," I answer shyly. "Are you mad at me or something?"

He looks over with a soft and pained expression. "God, no, I'm not. I'm just stressed beyond belief. I hate it when I take that out on you. I'm sorry, Marco."

"It's okay. Really, I was just wondering. You can take it out on me, if you want."

He laughs. I didn't think it was a joke. "We're close," he says covering my hand with his own. I nod. It's getting kind of cold.

"Can we put the top on? I'm getting kind of cold." He gets out of his pull-over without taking his eyes off the road and hands it to me.

"Here, wear this. We're close now, it would be a waste."

"Thanks," I say greedily putting it on. He's wearing a short sleeved shirt under it, and I notice goose bumps starting to form. "Tell me if you want it back or something."

"Nah, I'm fine." We pull off the highway, and I smile knowing our journey is almost through. He goes a few miles before I see the lake. It's beautiful. It's so blue, not like the river water or anything in Toronto. We get out and grab a few blankets and make our way to the beach.

We sit cuddling for a few minutes before I get up the nerve to say something about our fight. "Dylan, I love you."

"I love you too, Marco," he says flashing me a smile. His facial features are made even more stunning by the setting sun.

"I love you, which is why I think we should take some time apart. I feel like you've done so much for me. You even went to Toronto to be close to me."

"It's a good school. Besides, I didn't want to go to the states for school. I'm really happy there. I don't want to take any time apart."

He turns his head back to the ocean signaling that he thought it was the end of the conversation. "Dylan, you know we need to."

"Why?" he demands.

"Things are rough between us."

"You're just a pussy."

"Dylan, don't name call. That's so immature."

"That's so immature," he mocks. "Whatever. I just do it because you're so weak. You're like a little girl. Remember the beginning? You used to do anything for me, that's what was so endearing. I'd say roll over, and pretty soon, I'd be pounding you like a hamburger." I cringe slightly at the thought.

"You're not happy. Neither am I. We can take a break. It will all work itself out in the end. I don't want this to be the end, you know that. I love you. We just need some space."

"I don't know if I can do that."

"You have to, Dylan."

"Fuck you, Marco. You can't make me do anything."

I get up in disgust. "Let's just go home."

"Fine with me," he says. As we near the car, he slaps my ass. I turn around and open my mouth. He just smiles. "There's plenty more where that came from." He pushes me into the backseat. The top still isn't on. Despite my protests, he doesn't stop.

He never will.

"_And if you have a minute why don't we go,  
Talk about it somewhere only we know?__  
This could be the end of everything,__  
So why don't we go,__  
So why don't we go…"_

I see Emma near her locker, and I decide to go have a talk with her. Before I get to her, however, a hand on my arm stops me. I whirl around quickly and see who the hand belongs to. "Yes Marco?" I ask. I'm getting antsy. There's not too much time before the bell.

"Follow me." There's a certain sadness and pain in his eyes that I can't deny. It stabs something in me, and I curse him for being the second person in two days to give me that feeling. He's walking away now, and I know I have no choice but to follow him. I give Emma one last glance before heading in the opposite direction.

I knew where he was headed before my first step. It's the only place we know of to get some privacy and still stay relatively close to the school. So, I take a different route, making sure no one knows where I'm headed.

Once I get to the roof, he's already there, tears streaming down his face. He looks up at me with needing eyes, and I suddenly hate myself for ever befriending him. I take a seat next to him. We're in almost the same place that we had been the first time we came up here. "I need you," he blurts out.

I look at him questioningly. "I thought we had settled this."

"You have to still have feelings, Sean. Please don't deny that."

I can't say if he's right or not. I choose not to think about it. "Whatever. I'm living with Ashley. I can't fuck that up." I want to storm out so he gets it. I can't, though. He's so lost that I can't just leave him like this. There's a good chance he'd do something drastic, and this time, it might break me. I hear the rustling of clothing so I look over to see him taking his shirt off. "Whoa, what are you doing?"

"Calm down," he says. "I just want to show you something." I'm still weary, but it's only a shirtless guy. I've seen plenty of those before. Once his shirt is off, my eyes widen at the sight. I trace his bruises with my finger; I can't help it.

"Who did this?" I ask.

"Dylan," he answers, looking at me with tear stained cheeks. "Dylan's been doing this."

"Marco!" I scream. "How could you let him?"

"I, I don't know. I tried to leave him last night, but it didn't work."

"What do you mean it didn't work?"

"I mean he raped me Sean! He didn't listen to a word I said, and then he raped me. Is that good with you?"

"Oh my God. I can't believe it. I can't believe it got this bad without you telling anyone."

"Who was I gonna tell? You never talk to me anymore. Ash is always busy as fuck. Ellie… Fuck it, I can't get out. There's no way."

"Calm down," I say. This is tough. "I'll help you." And just like that, I'm sucked back in.

_"__This could be the end of everything,  
So why don't we go,  
Somewhere only we know?  
Somewhere only we know?__  
Somewhere only we know?"_


	3. Jude Law and a Semester Abroad

**I Need You So Much Closer**

A/N: I'm kind of newly addicted to this song. I have liked it for awhile, but all of the sudden, I've just not been able to stop listening to it. I love it. Yes, some crazy ass feelings are involved in this chapter. I'm really hoping everyone reading this is like "nooooo way!" and "please, no, stop, do NOT do/say/think that!" Yea, it's supposed to be a shocker chapter. Review if you are, in fact, shocked. There's a lot of drinking because there's a lot of drinking in the song, but Sean's not going to relapse into being an alcoholic again.

Psssss... shameless self-promotion: go read A Stupid, Worthless Boy and my one shot (Glory Fades). They need love too, ya know.

**Chapter 3: Jude Law and a Semester Abroad**

Disclaimer: "Jude Law and a Semester Abroad" is just another reason why Brand New kicks ass. My butchering of the song due to the fact that the lyrics are meant for an EXACT occasion and very hard to otherwise fit the outline of a story such as mine. Degrassi is just another reason why CTV and Epitome pictures kick ass.

I sit, still staring at Ashley, hoping she's kidding. Marriage? Has she completely flipped her lid? I'm 18. She's 18. We could never pull it off. As close to marriage as our lifestyle is, it isn't official. I could leave right now. And as of right now, I feel like leaving.

"Ashley," I say, trying to keep my voice lacking in any and all emotion, "marriage is a really big deal."

"I know, I know," she says exasperatedly leaning back against the couch. I can't believe she ruined my Sunday with this. "It's not what I want, either, exactly, but..."

"Yes?" I prompt her because she seems distant.

"We both know I need to go to college, so taking a year off isn't an option. If I have a dorm room and never stay there, it will be a waste of money and an open invitation to all people wanting to know every detail about our personal life. If I get the dorm and actually stay there..." She didn't need to finish. It was crystal clear.

This isn't fair. Why does the Canadian University system hate me so much? "It would be nice for you to stay here," I concede.

"If I could schedule my classes right, I could drop you off and make it to my first class, and hopefully not have anything during the hour that you're home, and still be able to take you to work." God, I hated it when Ashley made a good point.

I still didn't want to be a married senior in high school. People would wonder. "When's the baby?" Then I remember Emma. What is she going to do? I'm glad I get to see her tonight. Maybe I'll be able to have a nice conversation with her. Yea, I definitely needed to talk to Emma.

"I need to think about it," I say honestly.

"Of course," Ash says, too sickeningly sweet for me to be pleased by it. "I'm going looking for tiles for the kitchen. I think I'm going to redo it."

Finally, I realize why I have been eating about half of what I usually do everyday. She's saving up to remodel the house. She's leaving her mark, so I cannot kick her out. I have a passing thought of starting an argument, but it's not worth it. If she's gone most of the day, I won't have to deal with our marital difficulties.

I slam the cupboard hard a few seconds after she softly clicks the door closed to mark her departure. I curse aloud, pissed off that Ashley hid my vodka. There's some beer in the fridge, but I need something hard enough to make me forget, for a few hours at least. I pick up the phone and let out a deep sigh before I even dial.

It rings a few times, and I feel more idiotic with each one. It's not noon yet, so she might not be awake. She picks up on the fourth ring, and her voice sounds tired. "I need something. Ashley threw everything out, and I need some so bad. Please."

"Sean, is that you?" she asks.

"Yes. Do you have anything for me, Amy? I need something. I'm not kidding."

"Sure, I'm like the fucking 7-11. What are you craving now-a-days, Cameron?"

I ignore her blatant sexual reference. "Vo'ka. Any kind."

"Alright. You know my price."

I sigh. Damnit. "Yea sure, Ashley's gone, bring it over."

"I'll be over in 15." I hear her sneering through the phone, and I cringe.

The knock comes about 20 minutes later while I'm totally engrossed in some new movie Ash wanted us to watch to get into 'the mood.' I'm sure Amy will be pleased with my selection, and that thought is almost enough to make me turn it off. "Come in," I call, knowing that the door is unlocked and probably not even shut all the way.

She comes in with a brown lunch bag in her left hand. She pulls out the bottle. I lift her off the ground for a second before greedily snatching the bottle out of her hands. "You're a lifesaver," I say. She reaches back into the bag and grabs a box of condoms.

Before I can even sigh, she covers my lips with her own. I back up to the coffee table, Amy still on me like a male dog on a bitch in heat, and place the bottle down. Her tongue invades my mouth, and I keep remembering the vodka she brought. She glances at the TV and finally breaks the kiss. "I was gonna ask if you wanted to go to the bedroom, but if this is our viewing pleasure, than we might as well stay out here," she says with raised eyebrows.

I grunt. "I'm just going to lock the door." I slam the door closed and deadbolt it. It's a good thing the movie got me hard as a rock, because otherwise, I don't think I'd be able to even touch Amy. I've fucked her before; it's like riding a hot dog down an interstate.

It takes fifteen minutes. Afterwards, she cuddles up to me, but I kick her out. I still have to get totally shit faced and then sobered up by the time Ash comes home, and definitely by the time I see Emma tonight. It's early but, still, I don't want to risk it. "Whatever," she said indifferently, gathering her clothes, "you're still the best." She plants her lips onto mine, and then quickly removes them before I get a chance to protest.

I roll my eyes. "That's not what you said in grade 9 when you broke up with me."

"You're a sex god. You just kind of suck as a boyfriend."

I glare at her until she turns on her heel and leaves. It takes her a few seconds to unlock the door and everything, so I'm already doing shots before she slams the door.

_"Whatever poisons in this bottle,  
Will leave me broken, sore and stiff,  
But it's the genie at the bottom who I'm sucking at,  
He owes me one last wish."_

I hear a knock at my door, and turn onto my side, grunting, hoping they'll go away. "J.T. get up!" the voice calls. "Are you decent?"

"Yea sure," I answer. I look down. It was a hot night for March, and since we can't open any windows, I slept in my boxers and without covers. Laurie pushes the door open since we can't have locks.

"I have some good news," she says happily.

I'm hoping Ashley's back, although I'm not sure why she would come so early. "What time is it?" I ask.

"Eight. Anyways, the doctors all think you made an excellent improvement, and they want to send you home today! Your parents were already called; they'll be here in an hour." I silently thank whatever god is now smiling on me.

"Wow, cool," I manage.

"Oh J.T.," she says, wrapping her arms around me in a hug. "I'm going to miss you!"

I pat her back a few times with my right hand. "Ditto."

She pulls away, and I see a genuine sadness and loneliness in her eyes. She rubs my arms a few times, and I really feel for the lady. Who wants a job like this, dealing with kids like me? "Well, I just wanted to tell you the good news myself. I better go wake up the 8 AM'ers. Bye J.T. Good luck."

"Wait," I say grabbing onto her arm as she turns to leave. "Write your number down," I say, offering her a piece of paper and a pen.

"J.T., I appreciate it, but I can't..."

"Just do it. I'll bring my friends up sometime, and we'll have a cook-out. You need to see how fine I am, or will be."

She laughs and shakes her head slightly. "If anyone finds out about this, I'm dead," she mutters under her breath as she scribbles down her digits.

"No one will," I assure her. We hug again, and she leaves.

They show up late, but it's not really a shocker or anything. They're probably pissed the fuck off that I'm coming home, and they'll have to deal with me again. I roll my eyes at their attempts to be normal parents, making over me like I'm a newborn or something. Every time they have an audience...

The car ride home is deathly silent, except for some meager chit chat on the part of my father telling my mother that he's going to Vancouver on business this weekend... again. He must have another family in Vancouver, or else the prostitutes there are really cheap. I know my father and my mother. It's the same old routine. It's so pathetic.

We get home, and I immediately notice my room's been tampered with. They searched it for more evidence to my insanity. Mom gives me my cell phone as she passes by on the way to put the laundry basket in her room. 18 new voice messages. Fuckin' hell.

It's too much to deal with, so I don't. I decide to skip calling Toby, and I opt to skateboard to his house instead. He's home, as per usual, and he's so excited that he invites me in to play Halo. I hate that game. We walk up towards his room, which is after Ashley's. I glance in unconsciously, and I see a totally renovated guest room. "This place isn't the same without Ash," he comments.

"Can't I tell?" I spend about a half hour with Toby, but my mind is other places. With Ashley, mostly. I need to see her, even if she's just my friend. Maybe she'll want me, now that a bunch of doctors pronounced me sane.

I board to Sean's house, since the general consensus is that she lives here now. I don't see her car, so I want to give up, but I press myself forward. I knock twice and wait anxiously for the response. It's Sean. "Can I help you?" he slurs out sarcastically. I immediately realize two things: 1. Sean Cameron is not my biggest fan, and 2. He's totally trashed.

"I, uh, is Ash here?"

"Naw dog, but why you looking for her? She's with me now, bro."

Even though it's Sean, I didn't think he talked like that. "I just wanted to tell her that I'm out..."

"I'll pass along the message."

"No you won't. I'll just see her in school tomorrow." Apparently I said the wrong thing, since he slammed me up against the door.

"No, you won't. You won't see her anymore, got me?"

"You have no authority over who she fucking sees," I say, and I take a swing at him. It lands squarely in his jaw, and I'm lucky for this because it leaves him dazed for a minute. I immediately punch him in the gut without thinking and push him onto the ground. I know I just fucked up big time. This is Sean fucking Cameron. This kid used to be the captain of the wrestling team. I'm so fucked.

I begin to back track, when something stops me. He's staggering. He's so fucking drunk that he can't even stand up straight. This is my battle to win. For once. I want to take full advantage of it, leave him in a coma, but I know better than to press my luck. "Get out," he growls.

I obey him, turning and making my way out. Before he slams the door, I turn around and mumble, "Tell Ash I came by."

"What was it, cold in hell this morning, Yorke?" he grumbles before slamming the door.

I smirk. "Nah dawg," I say to no one, "but I did see some pigs flying."

_"So here's a present to let you know I still exist.  
I hope the next boy that you kiss has,  
Something terribly contagious on his lips."_

I'm always the rational one. Everyone else is allowed to go out and do anything and everything they damn well please, and I'm left to clean up their mess. Honestly, I'm tired of it. I love my friends, but I really need the chance to fuck things up myself.

Little do they know, everything is fucked up. I have my own little world in which I can totally destroy myself; however, I am totally fine when I go back into reality. That's what is so wonderful about the wide world of alcohol. If you can hide it well, it promises to be your best friend. And unlike real friends, your alcohol has no other loyalties.

I started about three months ago. Over the years, I had been gradually introduced to beer and wine at parties that I was invited to because of J.T., or my current girlfriend, or her.

There are so many reasons to hate myself for thinking of her "like that." For one, she ignored me for the most part until her life fell to ruins, and then I had to come to the rescue. For another, she dated my best friend. And lastly, and definitely the most important, she's related to me.

Before I feel the massive amount of guilt that my conscious is sure to pile on, I feel an urge to make my case. Firstly, I've always felt the need to impress Ashley. When we first moved in together, I knew my place. She was popular; I was not. Even then, I wasn't good enough for her. Ever since then, I've tried my hardest to do anything for Ashley Kerwin. She has been my life. When she moved out, my heart shattered into fifty million pieces.

The night that she slept in my bed, I knew I was in love. I wanted to hold her and love her ways that J.T. and Sean could never dream of. I'm a virgin; it's as much my decision as it is Liberty's. I'm holding out for her. If I could make her scream, if I could make her love me, then I would be so insanely happy.

Yes, my stepsister, the one who disowned my family, is the only person who will ever be able to make me happy. I can't tell her, note the aforementioned reasons, yet, I'm constantly drawn to her. And as corny and inconsequential as it may sound, she is my reason for breathing.

Without her, I am forever Toby Isaacs, nobody addition to the human race, forgotten to anyone and everyone. Maybe someday she'll see the error of her ways. Maybe someday, she'll want to shock this worthless country as much as I do.

Until that day, I have only one friend. He lives in my bottle. So, I drink to you, Ashley Kerwin, may reason and rationality lie on your shoulders next.

_"But I got a plan (I got a plan),  
To drink for forty days and forty nights,  
A sip for every second-hand tick,  
And every time you fed the line,  
'You mean so much to me.'  
I'm without you."_

"Look at this," I say, picking my shirt up a little and pinching my stomach for effect. "How am I going to get grossly fat? I'm going to die."

Craig grabs me by the waist and pulls me down next to him and kisses my neck softly. "I think you'll look gorgeous."

I'm not satisfied, but I don't push it. He'll see in time. "So, it's cool that I can stay here tonight, right?" I ask petting his hair.

"Sure. But how long is this going to last?" he asks in reference to my mom's need for space from me.

I sigh. "I don't know. If I can't go back soon, I'll find somewhere else to stay."

"That's not why I was asking."

"Then why were you asking?"

"Well," he says pushing himself up so he's at my eye level, "it might just be easier for us to find our own place."

I scoff at the thought. "Where? We have no money, and we're still in school."

"We could move to the states. You know, New York."

"And what the hell would we do in New York?"

"I could work, and you could go to school, or not, it's up to you. And I could go to college."

"Where?" I ask sarcastically.

"Columbia."

"Craig, honey, they said no."

He takes a deep breath. "No, they said yes. I got in."

I flick him on the forehead. "Why didn't you tell me this?"

"It would be easier to stay in Toronto before. Now, you know, it would be easier to get away. Far away."

I can't be happier, but I still don't think it will work. We're broke. A college student and a pregnant high school student trying to make a life somewhere many, many moons away from home? I couldn't work, obviously, I'd be taking care of a child. And, at best, Craig could get a part time job. I glance dramatically at my watch. "It's time to go."

He needs to go, but do I need to go with him?

_"Tell all the American girls you meet,  
Bout the Canadian girl not in the states,  
The Canadian girl you date,  
Who will do anything you say."_

"I said 'goodbye Dylan,'" I reiterate over the phone line.

"You're crazy if you think you can end it," he says smugly.

"How about I just did?" I say slamming the phone back into its cradle. I check the clock. 6:14. He'll be here in exactly 4 minutes, 27 seconds. It happens every time.

By 6:19, I'm on my front porch screaming. "Leave then! You think I care? Honestly, do you? I hope you move to Australia, and I hope you're miserable! I hope you're as miserable as I've always been." The last part I don't say as loudly. I wrap my jacket tighter around myself before storming back into my house and slamming the door.

"Marco?" my sister questions pointing to the door.

"I don't want to get into it," I say, pushing past her so I can get up the steps to my room. She grabs my shoulder before I hit the middle step.

"Now, Marco," she says through clenched teeth.

I take a deep breath and let it out. "We got in a fight. It's over." I look at the expression on her face, one not of shock or even disappointment, but rather, a dumbfounded 'so what?' look. "It's over for good this time."

"It's never over for good."

"Shut up, will you!" I scream. It's okay; Papa's at work and Mama's out shopping for the day. No one can hear. "He's moving. He's gone for good, and I, for one, couldn't care less." That is not the truth though, and she knows it. It is quite painfully obvious, but yet still somehow heartbreaking enough that I allow it to consume me.

"You look tired," she says, defeated. "You should get more sleep."

She disappears from the stairs, and I make my escape as soon as freedom is offered. I fall onto my bed, but I will not allow myself to cry. I trash around a bit, kicking and punching the air. Soon, though, the only emotion I feel is hate. I hate Dylan. The love has died. Our time has come. The flame is gone. And, the only thing left, as in most cases, is a nagging, vengeful hate.

_"And even if his plane crashes tonight,  
He'll find some way to disappoint me,  
By not burning in the wreckage,  
Or drowning at the bottom of the sea."_

I manage a slightly sobering catnap before Ashley comes banging into the house. There is no evidence of any crime. The bottles are cleared out, and I even brushed my teeth. So much more has happened in this death house, but none of it leaves the slightest evidence. "I heard J.T. is out," Ash says, glancing up at me.

"Yea, I heard that, too."

"From who? You didn't leave all day," she says, finding herself very clever.

"I'uno," I respond idly. "I just think it would be a good idea if you stayed away from him for awhile..."

She interrupts me. "We're meeting Craig and Emma in a half hour. You look like shit."

"Like you look better?" I retort.

She grabs a rubber band out of her hair, and it falls around her face unevenly. "I'm jumping in the shower now," she assures me.

I run a wet brush through my hair and change out of my drinking/sex/fighting clothes into something, more, wearable. Ashley's going all out, wearing a dress and earrings and all of that. I grumble a bit, but I grab a tie just to appease her. 'Craig will be wearing a tie,' I mock silently behind her back.

By the time she starts the car, we're already five minutes late, and the restaurant is 15 minutes away. I simply sigh and turn up the radio. You don't get any more fashionably late than us.

This place is rather fancy. The maître d gives me an odd look, most likely for my lack of a sports coat. Ash and I breeze past him since she already sees Craig and Emma, and I merely shrug, following my wife.

The glow of pregnancy looks magnificent on Emma. Craig's got to be the happiest man on the planet. He looks the part, beaming with pride. Emma, although glowing and quite extraordinary in a simple red dress (yes, the symbolism is obvious, white is for those members of society who wait until the legal confines of marriage to be impregnated), looks emotionally unattached and distant.

Craig and Ashley participate fantastically in the ritual of small talk. Craig asks about my job, and Ashley inquires into Emma's school activities. We both give minimal answers, so they give up on us, focusing on each other instead. After ordering something that I'm sure will take weeks to pay off, Craig and Ashley both exclaim "we have news!" at exactly the precise time.

You think that this is for the movies, but alas, in real life it is more horrid than one might dream. They playfully dance around the subject of who is to speak first. I'm not even sure what our news is. We're remodeling the house, guys, please don't faint! I roll my eyes as Craig finally decides to go first.

"Well, we have a lot of news, don't we, babe?" Craig asks looking at Emma. She nods, so he continues. "Firstly, we're pregnant!" he says giddily. Ashley screams a little and then blurts out congratulations with the best of them. The happy couple smiles, and Craig reassuringly pats Emma's hand on the table. "There's more," he says, and this kid is practically busting at the seams. "I got into Columbia, which, as you know, is my dream college. So, we may be moving. Emma hasn't decided yet."

"We probably are, but the costs are going to be a struggle," Emma says quietly.

"Oh, wow, that's amazing," Ashley says over and over.

"Hey, congratulations you two," I manage in between Ashley's fits.

"Oh, we're so rude," Craig says stopping me, "you two had news!"

"We're getting married!" Ash squealed. I gave her the look of absolute horror, and then I proceeded to bolt out of the restaurant as fast as anyone has ever done so in the long and prestigious history of the place.

It's only once I'm outside, pacing like a madman, that I realized someone followed me. Emma followed me. She stands a few feet away, watching me, studying me. "Are you okay?" she finally asks.

"Are you?" I retort as soon as she asks.

"No, not really, but I also didn't flip out in there. What's wrong?"

"Isn't it obvious?" I ask, turning so I can be face to face with her. "I love her and all, but I'm not ready to get married."

"I'm not ready to be a mom," she offers.

I rest on a step, and Emma is quick to do the same. It's out here, on this deserted step, that Emma consoles me the best way she knows how. Emma offers every word in her vocabulary, but I seem to be panicking more. So, she does the only thing that's left.

She presses her lips against mine, hard. As soon as I register it, I take a step back to breathe. I felt the tension in the air, but I hadn't wanted to be kissed. Not now, not by her, although I did and still do love her, but it's not right. I'm in love, and it's not with her.

"Emma, I'm sorry, I can't," I say, and I make my way to the main street to find a taxi. I turn back once more, and she's still standing there, staring at the ground, unable to move.

_"Yes, I still taste you, and thus reserve my right to hate you.  
And all this empty space that you create,  
Does nothing for my flawless sense of style."_

You can't explain that. Your mind cannot handle the overload of emotions and explanations. It should be easy enough. I did what my muscles needed to do. They fought me to the bitter end. If resisted, drastic muscle spasms may have occurred. Instead, I believe my brain will cease to function any emotion, due to a complete and utter overload.

He steps into the taxi, and it's just like a movie. The rain starts to fall murderously as soon as he's safe in the cab. It drives away, not slowly but slow enough, and I stare at its retreat. I'm getting drenched now, and for the life of me, I cannot tell you where this rain has come from. It's not in the least expected. He turns around once, in dramatic fashion, but he turns quickly back at the state of things.

It takes approximately six minutes and eighteen seconds for Craig and Ashley to find me. Craig, the eternal caregiver, quickly wraps his coat around my shoulders and leads me to his car. My dress, at this point, is ruined. Maybe if I had given up two minutes into the sudden thunderstorm, Mom could've salvaged it. Nothing can at this point. I snort a laugh quickly, remembering that when you gain fifty pounds, certain dresses aren't appropriate to wear, and other than that, simply won't fit.

I tell Ashley that Sean's caught a cold or something, and so he went home to quickly remedy it. She doesn't believe me for a second, but I don't care since she leaves. Craig doesn't ask a single question on the ride home. Not one. The silence sustains me, but it is awkward nonetheless. I want to explain it all, but there are no words left to do so. Not a word has been made to this day that can express my confusion.

We reach his house, and he leads me to the garage hand-in-hand. At the door, while he fiddles with keys and such, I decide to tell him. "I've always wanted to do New York," I say casually, rubbing his arm.

He looks up from the keyhole. "Really?"

_"It's 8:45 (it's 8:45), the weather is getting better by the hour.  
I hope it rains there all the time.  
And if you ever said you missed me then don't say you never lied;  
I'm without you."_


	4. Through With You

**I Need You So Much Closer**

Disclaimer: Everything I am belongs to CTV and Epitome pictures. Except my heart. They go to Jake and Ryan. :o) P.S. Lyrics by Maroon 5.

**Chapter 4: Through With You**

I ran down the hall like an idiot. I barely registered the stares of everyone as they watch the newly-un-crazy kid who still looks pretty insane as he runs down 'the halls of my high school...' Crazy John Mayer song. Not as crazy as me. No one can be as crazy as I am. Mwhaha.

"Sorry," I say as I trip over a grade 9's books that had been in a neat little pile next to her locker. I don't fall, so I keep on running. I have to see her. The bell rings. It's an addiction. I crave Ashley like old Mr. Pooley craves cigarettes. I turn a corner and that's when I see her. "Ashley!" I scream louder than necessary.

A few dwindlers give me a look before turning into their home room. Unfortunately for me, Ashley's headed to the same place. "Ashley! Hey, Ash!" I frantically run and scream. Maybe I really am crazy. She looks up at me before disappearing into the girls' bathroom. Her face is red and sore from crying. I try to catch her, but she doesn't want to be caught. She's out of sight before I'm halfway there.

I give up my search because I'm not allowed to miss any class time whatsoever. I stumble into Simspson's class and mumble my apologies. He gives me a pitying look and goes back to a new layout or whatever he's doing. I fall back into the swivel chair and sigh with exasperation.

"Are you alright?" a familiar voice asks.

"I'm fine, Emma," I answer, and I close my eyes, trying to remember what I missed so much about this place.

"Liar," she jokes. I open my eyes and look at her. It takes a second for her pale features to come into focus since the light is harsh and temporarily blinds me. She stares back at me for a second. "How was it?"

I shrug. "To be honest, it sucked. Until I finally realized that I belonged there, and then it became a lot easier."

"I'm sorry I didn't visit, I've just..."

"Em, it's ok. I wouldn't have visited me either. You're busy, you have to watch Jack, Martians landed in your backyard, it's ok. I swear."

I lean my head back and close my eyes again. I feel her eyes on me, so I look at her. "JT, what happened to us?" she questions intensely.

Air escapes through my nose quickly, and I make a disbelieving noise. "Us, Em?"

"You know, JT, I've always considered you a good friend. I mean, Manny and I, we were best friends, and Manny and you, were kind of hooked up there for awhile. But when we were younger, it just seemed like you were there for me. Now, I don't know. When I heard what happened, I didn't know what to do. I wanted to come see you, I did. But it would've been awkward."

"As awkward as this conversation?" I ask. She hits me on the shoulder playfully.

"You know. Did you expect me to come?"

"No, not really. I didn't expect anyone to come. I didn't think anyone could come. You know, I thought it was like solitary confinement. Turns out I was wrong, just no one loved me enough to come."

Emma's face distorts. "Are you serious? No one came?"

I crack a smile. "No, Toby and my parents came a lot. Ash even came once."

"Oh," she says, obviously relieved.

"So, Emma," I say. She kind of nods. "What's been going on with you?"

She looks distant for a second. "Well, Craig and I," she leans closer and lowers her voice, casting obvious glances at Mr. Simpson, "are moving to New York."

"You and Craig are dating?" Hmm, so I'm Mr. Out of the Social Scene. She sends me a look, and I just nod and keep my mouth shut.

"Yes. We've been dating for awhile, I guess, since you went in. Maybe a little after that. Then, I did something really stupid." She rubs her stomach, and my jaw drops. Not Emma Nelson. Not little Ms. Perfect. "Shut up, I already feel bad enough about it. Anyways, we're going to get married and move to New York. It's insane, I know, but it's really exciting to think about."

I stare at her for a few more seconds. "When are you moving?" I ask finally.

"In August probably. We'll probably get married in the summer, after Craig graduates. Then, we'll go down there when he has to go to school. He's going to Columbia."

"So, your parents know?"

"Um," Emma cast another glance at Mr. S. "Well, not yet."

I just laugh at her. I open my mouth to say something else, ask how everyone else is, but the bell interrupts me. We both stand up. I gather my books, and she wraps her arms around me. "Thanks for this, JT."

"For what?" I ask stupidly.

"This, you know, us talking. Being my friend. I miss it. I'll miss you."

I look into her eyes, a pretty light brown I notice for the first time I think, and I feel genuinely hurt. "Em, I'll miss you too."

_"Can you see me,  
Floating above your head?"_

"Um, Manny?" I ask as I come up on my locker.

"What's it, Spin?" she asks flipping through some magazine or another.

"The end of the year dance?"

Her eyes light up. She folds the magazine and puts it behind her back, focusing all of her attention on me. "Yes, Spinner?"

"Did you want to go?"

"With you?"

"That's why I asked." Duh.

"Sure!" she says smiling. I nod. That's cool.

"Alright," I say flinging my locker open. "So are we going to hang out this weekend?"

She's still smiling, a lot. "We can go somewhere on Friday. I have that spa thing with my mom all day Saturday."

"Spa thing?" I ask. She probably told me; I tend to block such things out.

"I told you. Mom needs to have me alone for a day so she can grill me. Since she knows we're dating now, she just wants to make sure we're not having sex."

I laugh to myself. She has nothing to worry about. Nothing. "Oh, right, sorry I thought it was next weekend."

"Nope," she says, not knowing that I had totally just lied out my ass. "This Saturday. So, we're on for Friday?"

"Yea," I grab my Anatomy book out of my locker. "Um..." Gotta think what's going on this weekend. "Was there anything special you wanted to do?" We start to walk towards the Science wing.

"If we can't find anything else, we can spend the night at my house." Score. "My mom's been wanting to have you for dinner since I told her." And scratch that.

"Dinner... with your family," I stutter. "Yea, sure. That sounds good." It sounds like hell on earth.

"Fantastic!" she says and pecks my cheek. She puts her lips next to my ear and whispers, "We have to make it worthwhile since I'll have to be with my mom the whole entire next day. Think we can do that?" She turns to walk into her class without an answer. I grab her ass for one, and she squeals. "Spin-ner!" she giggles. I laugh, too.

Then I run to the nearest bathroom to try to hide the boner I had gotten. Damn track pants.

_"As you lay in bed,  
Thinking about everything,__  
That you did not do."_

I light up a cigarette and sit on the hood of my car, waiting. Someone will come by if I wait long enough. Someone who has answers to what the hell is going on here. Someone, anyone, even her. If you think being cheated on is bad, you've never experienced being cheated on when you really felt safe.

Because Craig was always too good for me, or he thought that, anyways. His dad put the thoughts in his head or something. But Craig always had this weird glint in his eyes when he got distant, and I knew. I knew he'd stray. As ready as you are, it still hurts.

But this hurts much, much worse.

He walks up to me, with his damn slouched posture and hands stuffed into the deepest crevices of his oversized jeans. I can't help but mentally compare him to a dog with its tail between its legs, as cheesy as that sounds. He looks up at me, still sitting cross-legged as I toss my filter to the dirty asphalt, and I can see he's been crying. We stand in complete silence longer than either of us find comfortable, but there's really nothing to say.

"Sean," I manage after the most awkward three or so minutes of my life. My voice is hardly recognizable; it's been scratched raw from deep sobbing. He looks at me and squints in response. "Answer me one thing. All of those times that you told me you loved me, did you mean it any of them?" He opens his mouth to speak, but I shake my head. "I'll come by tomorrow to pick up my stuff."

He nods and walks off. That boy. Hot damn.

I light up another cigarette, and for the first time in my life, I'm happy Ellie's not around. There are just sometimes when you need to be able to smoke without your best friend warning you that it's slowly killing you. And, trust me, this is definitely one of those times.

"Ashley, hasn't anyone ever told you that smoking kills?" I turn around quickly at the mention of my name. I didn't think anyone was left at school except for a few grade nines and tens being suck ups, and surely, none of them wanted to talk to me.

I smile broadly at Toby. I can't imagine anyone else standing there. I take another drag and then crush it with my shoe. "What's up, kid?"

He shrugs, squinting into the sun. "Nothing. What's up with you?"

I laugh at the simplicity of it all. "Get in, and I'll tell you all about it," I say and offer the passenger's side with my heel.

"I think I'll take you up on that," he says sliding into my car. I walk to my door and slide in beside him. I stare at him for a second before starting the engine. "So start talking," he says, patting my knee reassuringly.

"Well, for starter's, I'm homeless."

_"Cause saying I love you,  
Has nothing to do with meaning it."_

I spray my hair like there's no tomorrow. I pat it, and my face contorts in disgust. It's really hard. I hate hard hair. Oh well, it looks "nice." At least, that's what my mom says.

I hear the doorbell ring. I was afraid of this. He's on time, for once. I'm nowhere near ready, which wouldn't be so bad if my parents were going to be normal tonight. But Spinner's the first guy I've brung home since the abortion, and he's going to wish they were only the Spanish Inquisition.

I hear the formalities between my father and Spinner. Mom's probably still in the kitchen putting the finishing touches on dinner. What am I going to wear?

I rush down the steps as soon as I find the first (modest) skirt and decently wearable shirt in my closet. I kiss my dad on the cheek before joining my hand with Spin's. I lead them both into the living room. The guys sit and talk mildly about some hockey game until Mom saves me. "Dinner!" she calls cheerily. I look at Spinner, smile, and give his hand a slight squeeze.

My brother Anthony walks in just in time for dinner(like usual). He kisses my mother and sits down at the dining room table with the rest of us. I let my hand slide under the table to Spinner's knee and rub it to help him get through dinner.

"This is really good, Mrs. Santos," Spinner comments after swallowing a bit of mom's lasagna.

She beams. She loves compliments. Of course he's already been prepped on all of this, but it makes me happy that he remembers. "Thank you, Gavin, it's my own special sauce." She gives him a wink, and I ignore my inward groan and smile.

"Well, you are a fantastic cook. Your husband is a lucky man." My brother gives me a look that prompts me to kick him lightly under the table. He just laughs, barely audible, and excuses himself.

I pull my napkin off my lap and throw it on my plate, signaling that I'm finished. Spinner takes a few more bites before following my cue. "Do you want me to help you clean up, Mom?" I ask sweetly.

"Oh, no, Manuela, your father and I aren't finished yet. I'll clean up. You two go have fun." She smiles, but then her look suddenly turns grave. "But not too much..."

"Mom, I know. We're just going to watch a movie in my room. Good night." I kiss my mom on the cheek. Spinner says his goodbyes, and I lead him up to my room.

I push him onto my bed and lock the door. "Manny Santos, you better not be acting like a tease," he warns from the bed. I turn and look at him. "I don't think I can take it anymore."

I giggle and turn on the movie. I turn the volume up a bit louder than necessary and crawl on top of him. "I've been accused of being many things by many people, Spinner Mason," I say sporadically as I kiss his neck, "but a tease is not one of them."

_"And I don't trust you,  
Cause every time you're here,  
Your intentions are unclear."_

I stare at my phone, willing it to ring, willing it to be the one person who I hate most in the world. If only he would call, then everything would be okay. I'd answer it, tell him off, and hang it up again. Perfect plan, in theory, except everyone knows that he makes me crack and fall a part at the seams.

Dylan Michalchuk. If ever you thought that you are able to be yourself in every given situation, you have never met Dylan Michalchuk. He's the picture-perfect, charming, abusive boyfriend. He'll kiss the bruises that he's caused you, and for some reason, this redeems him. Bruises will fade, heartache will fade, even true love will fade. But first love, now that's something you'll hold on to in every passing thought until your dying day.

This whole life has left me with nothing. No best friend to turn to, no warm arms to keep me from the Canadian cold, especially no dignity to be proud of. Dylan has changed me into a desolate shell of who I used to be. I'm not even the token gay kid anymore. I'm just sad, lonely, depressed Marco. Oh, you need to avoid him. His best friend died, and his ex-boyfriend, yes boyfriend, can't you tell, used to beat him up all the time. Oh, crap he's coming this way. God I'm sick of people.

If I have no dignity, then what's the harm? I pick up the phone and dial his digits as if I just dialed them yesterday. (This is because I had, in my mind, over and over again.) Two rings, then three, four. I wonder what I would say if he doesn't answer, or, even worse, if he does. Suddenly, I'm panicking and I throw the phone back on its charger.

The phone's about to die, along with every piece of me that's ever been attached to something good.

_"I spend every hour waiting for a phone call,  
That I know will never come."_

"I have to, Tobes. I mean, I love you, I love you so much, you know that right?" I pause and look over to make sure he's still with me. He looks dazed, but he nods. "There's just something about the karma of that house. Want one?" I stick my half used pack of cigarettes into his face as I take another long drag and exhale out the open window.

"No, and I wish you wouldn't, either."

"It won't be for long," I assure him as I tap the ashes into the wind. "Until I have a home and a life again. Whenever that is." I look out onto the open road ahead of me, and I lose myself in the parallel yellow lines and consistent asphalt. The trees to both sides seem to inclose us, and I squeeze my eyes shut to bring myself back into reality. "Anyways, I want to see how he is. It will only be for what," I say as I take another drag, "4 or 5 months?"

"Are you still going to Toronto?"

I nod and inhale deeply. "That's the plan."

"I'm going to miss you, Ash," he says placing his hand over mine on the armrest between the front seats.

I'm struck by his words in a way I didn't think I would be. I trace his hand all the way to his face and simply stare into his eyes, kind of glad this is a long straightaway. "My dad doesn't live that far away, Toby."

_"I used to think that you were the one,  
Now I'm sick of thinking anything at all."_

Alright, so I lost the only thing that's been important to me during my high school career. Losing him is possibly the most horrible thing I've ever gone through. It's been 47 days since I've been Paige Michalchuk. Forty-seven days and nothing remains but a hole the size of Texas, a memory of something so tangible that it will never leave me.

And forever and ever will I try to get it back. I heard that he's with Manny now. You know, some things do change. That little girl who impressed me so hardcore with two cartwheels. I would do a million to take back that minute in which she ingratiated herself into our core group. Without that minute, maybe the last four years of my life would be fundamentally different.

No Ashley/Craig break-up, maybe no rape(if we had no Spirit Squad...), and of course, he would have crawled back to me by now. He wants to; I can tell. He just wants sex a little more right now. And that's fine. She's all up for that idea. Slut.

I walk into school with a definite air of 'leave-me-the-fuck-alone.' And most people do pretty well at this. Most people are not Sean Cameron. "Paige. Paige Michalchuk."

I stare at him like he has the plague. Yes, Sean Cameron? No. Too easy. "Who are you?" I spat.

"Shut up Paige. It's me, Sean, that's a shocker," he says sarcastically. I roll my eyes. "Can we talk?"

"Sure. When were you thinking that this wonderful powwow will occur?"

"Now, preferably." Home room doesn't start for another fifteen minutes. Another wonderful reason to get to school early.

I plop down in front of my locker. "Start talking."

"If you were Ashley, and..."

"Stop," I interrupt. "I don't want to play this game. I hate this game. Just tell me what you did."

"For starter's, I had sex with Amy." Eww. Slut. My face obviously gives these sentiments away. "Alright, alright, I know what you're thinking, but I just needed some vodka. Ashley threw all mine out," he says sitting next to me.

"So not an excuse, hun."

"Okay, well, so it gets worse. I ran out of the restaurant after she told Craig that we were getting married."

"Nice going, hot stuff. Why?"

"I don't know. We hadn't even made plans yet; I hadn't really proposed. It was a shock, okay?"

"Alright, then that one's acceptable. What else?" I ask, because my inner gossip queen always ends up getting the best of me.

"I went after JT a little when he came looking for her."

"Is that it?"

He looks deep in thought for a second. "Yea, I think."

"Well, for starter's, you're not about to win boyfriend of the year."

"No shit, Sherlock."

"I'm helping you. Be grateful."

"Yes, yes, I forgot. Paige fucking Michalchuk is talking to a lowlife grade 11 who she would never willingly talk to unless he approached her, and she just happened to have a lot of time on her hands because all she does is fucking mope about losing that damn idiot boyfriend of her's."

I stare at him. As much as I hate, I mean truly despise, the words flowing from his mouth like candy, his honesty is so fucking wonderful. But, of course, I am Paige Michalchuk, and this is my reputation on the line. I stand up in a whirl of anger. "Figure out your own goddamn Ashley Kerwin problems. I really don't care. She's better off without you." I spin on my heel, about to walk away, when I decide to turn back around. "Hey everyone," I announce to the fifteen or so kids in the vicinity. "This asshole cheated on Ashley Kerwin with some chick for a bottle of vodka. Isn't that the saddest thing you've ever heard?" I wink at him before setting off to be in eye's view of Spinner.

_"You ain't ever coming back to me,  
That's not how things were supposed to be."_

I slouched against my locker with an open "Scarlet Letter" in my left hand. Kids busy themselves around me with the morning's gossip and news, but I ignore it. I need to read 10 more pages by second period. The only thing that brings me out of my reading is Manny wrapping her arms around my neck and greeting me by shoving her tongue down my throat. "Hey baby."

"Hey," I answer, adjusting the bookmark and then throwing the book in my locker. "How was Saturday?"

She sticks her hand up and wiggles her fingers. "Manicure, pedicure, massage, oh it was the best thing ever."

I laugh. "How was your mom?"

"Oh, alright, I guess. We kind of talked about us, but she thinks you're a quote, unquote 'good kid,'" Manny does air quotes to get across her point. "So, I just told her that you're saving yourself, I think that's noble, and that I'm a born-again virgin. She totally bought it."

I smile. "That's good, sweetheart."

"But," she says drawing the word out playfully, "what about you? Did you have fun on Friday?"

I pull her closer to me with one arm. "What do you think?" I ask before kissing her softly.

She opens her eyes and looks up at me. "I think we're going to be doing that a lot more. I didn't know it could be so passionate and heartfelt. I thought it was always going to be, you know, all lust, no love? Does that make sense?"

Um, no? "Of course it does, sweetie. Perfect sense."

"Good," she says and quickly pecks my cheek. "Time for home room, babe. I'll see ya second period. And you better have that read," she nods towards my locker.

"Stupid grade 11 English," I say before releasing her. "I love you."

"I love you too, Spin."

"_You take my hand just to give it back,  
No other lover has ever done that."_

"Ashley, talk to me. Please," I plead relentlessly. I used a hall pass to get out of MI and come to see her. Every Monday, she works in the office during her free period.

"About what, JT?"

"For starter's, everything. But I'd settle for why you're avoiding me."

She looks up from her stacks of files. "I am not avoiding you."

"I just want to be your friend."

"We are friends."

"Oh. Well, um, what's with you and Sean?"

"He cheated on me."

Figures. "I'm going to kill him." And I am. Just as soon as he gets piss ass wasted again.

She shrugs. "It doesn't matter. Don't worry yourself over it."

"Where are you staying?" I quickly change subjects. Someone's in a touchy mood.

"With my dad."

"Your, um, gay dad?" I ask. I hadn't heard anything about him since grade 7.

"Yes. He's not only gay, you know. He's a person."

"I know that, Ash. I think it's cool." I stand there looking like a fool, swaying back and forth with my hands in my pockets. "So, do you want to go see a movie this weekend, maybe? I haven't really done anything since I've been out."

"Yea sure," she says without even looking up.

"Alright, well, Simpson's a-calling." She half smiles, not looking up yet. "I'll call you then, in a few days?"

"You know my number, JT. Stop acting so weird. It's me, Ash. I don't have the plague, and I'm pretty sure I avoided the cooties outbreak. Call me when you want to hang out. We'll hang out. Not rocket science."

I laugh. "Yea, cooties outbreak, good one. I'll call you. Bye." I walk out of the office and hang my head in my hands. If I were a bigger idiot, they would throw me off the planet. I'm coming damn close now.

_"Do you remember,  
The way we used to melt?__  
Do you remember how it felt,__  
When I touched you?__  
Oh, cause I remember very well."_

"Emma," I say as I come up behind her and wrap my arms around her waist.

"Yea," she says, still studying her chemistry more than me.

"I love you."

"Love you, too."

"Emma?" I ask her. She seems angry, or distraught, or something, and it kills me that I can't figure her out. She's going to be my wife, more than that, the mother of my baby, and it's hard for her to look at me. I love her.

She blinks to hide her tears, but I notice. I may be a shitty boyfriend, but I notice when she's on the verge of tears. That's a start, right? "Craig, we need to tell my parents."

Oh. Ok? "Alright, Em. When?"

"Soon. Eventually. We have to get married. We have to move. I have to leave them. We have to tell them now. I can't take this."

"Em, sure, that's fine. I'll do it right now if you want to. But I'm thinking dinner may be a better idea."

She turns and places her lips firmly on top of mine. "So, are you just trying to scam a free meal out of me?" she asks after she gives up control of the kiss.

"Like I do most nights. Well, I'll just bring some pizza over."

"I was kidding."

"I have to be your supporter, don't I?" I ask sternly placing my index finger over her lips. She nods. "Alright. Tell your mom to forget about dinner for tonight. Maybe it'll put her in a better mood."

"I don't think pizza is going to quell this totally, Craig."

"I'll be there at seven."

_"And how long has it been,  
Since someone you let in,__  
Has given what I gave to you?"_

"She loves me," JT looks blissful as he grabs a seat next to me in math.

"Who?" I ask, not even caring.

"Come on, Toby. I know I've been away for awhile, but do you think I would care about anyone else? Do you think I ever have?" He goes on and on, but I drown him out mostly. "So, Ash and I are going out this weekend sometime. I told you, Toby. I told you she would come back to me."

My head snaps up. "You and Ashley are going to be dating again?"

He rolls his eyes. "Alert the presses, will you? Or, I'll do you one better." He stands up and goes over to the door. "Hazel, Paige, over here," he says ushering them to the door. "I just wanted to tell you guys that Ashley Kerwin and I are going on a date. So, to everyone who thinks differently, will you tell them that? Thanks a million, ladies. I owe you one."

He turns and comes back to his seat. "Well, by now, I'm sure the whole school knows," I say casually.

"Isn't it wonderful? I love her, Tobes. I'm going to marry her."

"Ok, JT. Whatever you say."

"I seriously don't know why you're always such a pessimist about this situation. You've always been down on me and girls. With Paige, you said she was too snobby for me."

"Which proved to be true," I remind him.

"And Manny?"

"Who treated you like shit?"

"Whatever. It wasn't that bad. I liked that relationship. Not the end, but no one enjoys the end of a relationship. They're tough. But Ash and I, we're different, Tobes. This one you can be a total optimist about. And if you keep being down on all the girls I date, I'm going to think you have a huge man crush. So take your pick."

I look at him. Is he serious? Me, like him? Or could it be that I'm totally in love with my own step-sister? There you go, JT. Maybe you should open your eyes to the most obvious thing on the planet. "I hope you get married, have four kids, a white picket fence, and a dog named Rothgar."

"That's the Toby Isaacs I know!" he says raising my right arm like a wrestling champ.

But the thing is, he doesn't know Toby at all. No one does. Not that that's a bad thing, but he's totally wrong. About everything. And I'm wrong, because I think Ashley knows Toby Isaacs. Ashley's the only one there will ever be.

_"And at night when you sleep,  
Do you dream I would be there?__  
Just for a minute or two, do you?"_

"Sean Cameron, I am not done with you," I call to him. He's sitting on a picnic table outside of school smoking a joint. Of course, that's the smartest idea on the planet. He's so fucking stupid. Jay and whatever slut Sean fucked are making out on the other side of the bench. I look at Jay. "I can't believe you got held back. What a dumb shit."

Amy looks ready to kill. I love myself. "What do you want, Paige? I'm kind of busy," Sean asks.

"Well, I want, you know, gah," I say and grab his arm in frustration. I lead him far away from that table, those people. They're dirty, Sean. He throws the joint away with his free hand and lets me lead him to the courtyard. "I want my dignity back."

He laughs. It's a bit humorless, which kind of defeats the point of laughing in the first place. "Paige, I have no fucking idea what you're talking about."

"You know, this morning, what you called me, what you said. I don't need you to tell me that. That's bull shit. Have you ever looked at your life? You're not perfect. Why are you judging me?"

"Calm down, Jesus. I was pissed off at you. What was I going to do? Let you walk all over me?"

"No, but you walked all over me. That's not fair."

He laughs humorlessly, again. "Nothing's fair. Didn't your mom ever tell you that one? Life's not fair."

"You shouldn't laugh if you don't think it's funny. You should do something else. Laugh's should be saved for comedic actions."

"You're not clever."

"I'm not trying to be. It just pisses me off. Like, how everything about you pisses me off. If I could give you a makeover, I'd..."

He cuts me off. "You'd make me wear too tight abercrombie clothes? Looking queer isn't on my to-do list today. Sorry, hun."

"You're not clever, either," I spat back at him. He nods his head and laughs, normal this time, so for that, I'm grateful.

"What did you realistically expect me to do here, Paige?"

"I don't know. An apology would be nice."

He stuffs his hands lower into the front pocket of his hoodie and looks around, eager to be rid of me. "Done. I'm sorry. Can I go?"

"I'm coming by tonight," I say before I even process the words in my head. WHAT?

"What?"

"I don't want you to have parties anymore. And I want you to study. It's what Ellie would've wanted. So, I'm going to check up on you. So, be ready." Where in the hell did that just come from? I turn quickly on my heel and leave before he can see the crimson in my cheeks or the total humiliation plastered across my face.

_"Heartache, heartache, I just have so much,  
A simple love with a complex touch."_

I sit on the hard, lumpy mattress, holding the phone in my hands. I feel it all over, knowing somehow it gives me the key to letting go. If only my fingertips were magic, I could win his little game once and for all.

I rub my head to alleviate the headache caused by six hours of drinking last night. I drank to forget him, but of course it didn't work. It never does. I only wanted him in my arms, to feel his body pressed against mine like that first party he came to.

Still holding the phone in my left hand, I flip through my text book with my right. I can't concentrate, even on distinguishing words or phrases, but I won't give up. I have a right to move on just like everyone else. I have a right to live a normal life. Who says that I wasn't hurt? Oh, trust me, if this isn't hurt, then hurt doesn't exist.

The phone taunts me in a sick, strange way. The numbers glare at me until I picture them in my brain every time I close my eyes. The antenna grows longer, and my grip grows tighter. Finally, I slam my book closed and hit the talk button on my phone.

With shaky fingers, I dial his number. He answers, and suddenly, quickly, my world shatters like a pane of glass. "Marco?" my quivering voice asks.

"Dylan?" he seems confused. Hang up. You shouldn't be doing this.

"Hi, Marco."

"Oh, hi."

There's an awkward silence that I know I should be filling. My fingers were the one that dialed. My head is the one that is pounding. My memories are the ones that linger far past their welcome. "How's everything going?"

"It's, well, you know."

"Yea." I have no idea.

"So?" he questions, but in a nondescript way.

"Oh, right. Why I called. Well, I just, wanted to make sure we were both moving on, and everything. That you're okay now."

He scoffs into the phone. "I'm okay, yes."

"Oh. Okay. Well, this is it, then? The end?"

"I think it's been the end for awhile, Dylan." His words are mocking.

"Oh. Okay, well, thanks for talking to me. I'll, well, bye."

"Buh-bye." Click.

Goodbye.

_"There is nothing you can say or do,  
I called to let you know I'm through with you."_


	5. Screaming Infidelities

**I Need You So Much Closer**

**Chapter 5: Screaming Infidelities**

I pick up an apple from the fruit basket and take a seat across from Nicholas. He has the newspaper sprawled out on the kitchen table, so I pick up the entertainment section and flip randomly through it. He looks at me over his own paper, and I know he wants to talk to me. It's really not that hard. Open your mouth and say something. Produce sounds. Come on, Nicky.

"Ashley," he starts as he rests the paper down. "How are you?"

"I'm fine, Nicholas," I say taking a bite out of my apple. "How are you?"

"I'm doing quite well, thank you." Gag me. "Ashley, tell me if I'm prying, but your dad just never told me what was going on with you. Don't get me wrong, I'm so excited that you'll be occupying the guest room for a few months, but what I've been dying to know is why."

Good. My dad can keep his mouth shut. I'm glad. "Reader's Digest version is as follows: cheated on wonderful boyfriend, got STD, got threatened to be sent to rehab, lived with cheatee, thought we'd be getting married, and was so totally wrong. Does that sum it up? In a nutshell?"

"Yea," he answers, half-smiling and looking back at the paper. "In a nutshell."

I laugh forcibly at the sudden irony. He gives me a look. "I'm getting back together with the first one, I think. He went crazy for awhile. But he's not crazy anymore. We've gone on a few dates. It's nothing serious, after the Sean mess, but he's just so cute and flirty. I love him." I catch myself not only rambling, but mentioning that I love JT. Still. I'm about to correct myself when I realize that Nicholas really doesn't care about the emotional roller coaster of female teenage angst. I glance up at him, and he looks genuinely concerned. I smile at him. "I'm sorry that I didn't make an attempt to get to know you, until now."

"No, no, Ashley. I'm grateful for this! I can't imagine how difficult it was for you. Accepting that your friends or family are homosexual is hard. I've lost a lot of good friends. But, in the end, it's worth it. It worked out, somehow."

"I know what you mean. My friend came out a few years ago. He had a bit of a rough time. But I think he's okay now. It made me realize how stupid I was when I cut dad out of my life so long ago. Speaking of my father," I change subjects to avoid any cheesy emotional moments, "where is he?"

He laughs slightly. "Your dad is up and gone by 5:30 every morning. Well," he glances at his watch, "aren't you slightly late for school?"

I shrug. "Not entirely." Going to school means more time Sean can talk to me, look at me, or even be alive in the same building as me. Do you blame me for procrastinating?

"Well, don't you think you should go now?"

"Exactly what I was thinking," I say as I throw the core in the garbage. I guess, at some point, I do have to show up. Just, after I treat myself to breakfast.

I pull into the parking lot at half past 8. Not bad, if I do say so myself. I forge my father's signature on a random piece of paper and hurry to the front office. I get a late slip and meander to my locker, waiting for the bell to signal class change.

"Ashley," I hear as I pull a few notebooks out of my locker. "Ashley, what are you doing?"

I slam my locker closed and look up. No. It can't be. The unwritten rules forbid this. Direct contact is the cardinal sin of a cheater. "Go away, Sean," I mumble before turning and almost sprinting away.

He's going to follow me, I know it, and I wouldn't have it any other way. I can't even begin to describe the ways I miss him and crave him. I haven't gotten a wink of sleep in weeks because I miss my bed, my life.

"Ashley, please stop."

I turn around without bothering to hide my tears. Can't you see I need you? You know everything. You know that I push you away because you're all I have. "I can't stop. I'm not sorry that you ruined everything. This is all your fault." I shake my head, and the bell sounds. "Don't bother anymore, Sean. I know I was just a burden. I won't burden you anymore."

_"I'm missing your bed,  
I never sleep,__  
Avoiding the spots where we'd have to speak."_

I find the hottest piece of pavement and sit cross-legged on it, burning my calves which aren't protected by my shorts. Amy sits to my right, and Jay and Towerz sit kind of far away, only out here for the free weed I offered. "Jay, lighter," I order.

He finds it in one of his pockets and offers it to me. I pick up the letter Amy wrote. "You're a stupid bitch," I mumble as I watch it slowly burn away.

"It's not my fault your girlfriend had you on the tightest leash imaginable," Amy retorts.

"Amy, you left it fucking taped to my locker. When I was sick. She got it to bring home to me. Of course she's going to read it, to make sure it's for me at least. You didn't even write my name on the outside. And what you wrote? 'Oh Sean, I know you love her, but fucking you is a greater high than even your best weed,'" I say in a mocking tone.

She shakes her head and scoots closer to Jay. "That's not what I said," she says defensively.

"Cameron, you're very cocksure for someone with a small one," Jay says with a smirk.

"Whatever," I answer as the letters burn in my hand. "I don't want to know how you know that."

"Oh, Sean, Sean Cameron, how could you ever forget that one perfect night we spent together? I'll always remember it," he says. I've never seen him this gone, and that's saying something. Amy hits him across the chest, so he stops.

"I'm so fucking done with this," I say. Towerz offers me the weed, and I just stare at it. "I'm going back to class." I stand up and throw Jay's lighter back at him. "Thanks," I mumble. "You're always there when I need you. God," I start away from them, towards home.

"Wait, Sean," I hear Amy call.

I turn around and squint at her. "What is it?"

She digs through her shoulder bag until her bracelet clanks onto something glass. "I owe you one," she says offering me the bottle of Jack Daniels. "I know it's not your favorite, but..."

"This is fine," I say, grateful to her for this second only. I hide it in my jacket until I hit the tracks, far away from school grounds. At least I won't get busted by Radditch. I take a swig, hoping that with every swallow, the burning picture of Ashley Kerwin that stays in my brain will somehow disappear.

_"And this bottle of beast,  
Is taking me home."_

JT wraps his arm around my shoulder as we head into the dance. This seems so final, our last formal, ever. Maybe next year, I'll tag along to one with JT, for nostalgia's sake. Luckily, this is a sure fire no-Sean zone. It's kind of an unwritten law that he show up to school as little as he can get away with and after school activities are out of the question.

"That's a hot little number," he whispers into my ear. "You have to know that red is definitely your color."

"It's a change from black," I agree. He kisses my cheek. I should be flattered by his act of chivalry, but I worry instead that he smeared my make-up. I take out my pocket mirror as he pays, and nothing's wrong.

He grabs me again by the waist and leads me into the hall. People are mingling all around the room, and I smile at Marco, who is stressed to the point of exhaustion. He's coordinating this dance, and I can't fathom why he takes on all this responsibility. He slightly smiles back before busying himself with Liberty on the stage.

Craig and Emma come over to us. I give them both hugs. Craig holds onto me for an extra second and whispers, "I can't keep up with the men of Ashley Kerwin," which I don't think is quite fair. I'm eighteen years old. These are the days I'm supposed to be dating around, trying before I buy. Giving any excuse for the fact that I cheated on JT.

Emma pulls me aside as Craig and JT get into a fascinating conversation, I'm sure. "We set a date," she confides in a hushed tone.

"That's great!" I say as I wrap my arms around her shoulders. "Congrats, Emma Manning!"

She hits me on the arm playfully. "Anyways, it's June 10th. I shouldn't be showing too much by then. It's just going to be simple, at my house, close friends and family only."

"This is all so exciting," I say and look over at Craig. He's smiling and patting JT on the shoulder knowingly.

Emma catches my eye. "I think Craig just asked him."

"Asked him what?"

"Well," Emma says wringing her hands together. "Craig is asking JT to be his best man." My jaw drops. "And," she says nervously, "I want you to be my maid-of-honor."

I scream happily in shock. "Emma, of course! Why are you even acting nervous?" I give her another huge hug. "How amazing is this going to be?"

I give Emma another hug, but it's interrupted by Craig lifting her up in his arms. "Pretty damn rockin'," he says in response to my question.

JT comes up behind me, wraps his arms around my waist, and rests his head on my shoulder. I tilt my head so that I can see his eyes. "Newlyweds," he says in a mock serious tone. I crack up and turn towards him.

He pulls my laughing form into his until we're kissing on the middle of the dance floor. After a few seconds and the necessary embarrassment from my classmates ogling, I slowly break the kiss. As I do, I realize that a sea of new faces have entered the dance. And in the very back, I immediately notice the slouched posture and security beanie of Sean Cameron. What I didn't expect was his arm ornament. Paige Michalchuk.

I suddenly feel faint and thirsty. I need water. I push my way past everyone and past the double doors. I collapse at a water fountain after I practically inhale a gallon.

"Do you want to leave?" JT asks as he kneels at my feet and brushes hair out of my face. I nod. He puts his hands under me and presses me against his body. My face falls flat against his chest. "Where does your dad live?" he asks as we get closer to his car.

"Just take me home," I answer. "Take me to your house. I need you tonight." So, he does. He doesn't even protest, even though I see his dad's car in the driveway. He lets me crawl under his covers and cuddle against him. He traces circles on my back until I fall asleep.

For the first time since the break-up, I sleep like a baby.

_"I'm cuddling close,  
To blankets and sheets,  
But you're not alone, and you're not discreet.  
Make sure I know who's taking you home."_

"This is amazing," Manny says as she cuddles closer into me. I pat her soft hair, but I can't help but stare at someone else. Her blonde hair flies as he twirls her, with surprising coordination, around the dance floor. And I realize, through no fault of my own, Paige Michalchuk has won, again, and all my thoughts are focused on her.

I see the way that her hands massage Sean's hair as she giggles with Hazel. I catch Jimmy's eye and give him a desperate look, but he just shrugs and turns his attention back to his girl. God, I could kill him. Bros before hoes, where did that go, Brooks?

"Manny, I uh, this is boring. You wanna head out?" I ask her. I need away, Manny. Please.

"Already?" She looks up at me, and I turn my head. "Okay, that's fine. I thought we could actually head to Heather's for a few minutes before going back to your place, but whatever."

"Awe Manny," I say cupping her face. Lay it on thick, Mason. "I really want tonight to be just me and you. I love you. Aren't you excited to spend the night with me?"

"Of course!" she says as she jumps on me. I sigh. You love her, Spinner, you love her. Just remember that.

We walk out the door closely, and I make a point to laugh loudly as we pass by Paige and the group. Jimmy hits my arm as we pass, but I don't respond. I hate him.

I take her back to my place, thanking the Lord once again that Kendra won that lame poetry contest which sent my parents and her to the states for a week. "I still say you should've thrown a party here," Manny says as we walk into my room. "Heather's is probably lame. I mean, I think you can tell that we're not anyone's favorite couple; it probably would've helped us both out a lot. In the social sense."

"Will you shut up and come over here?" I say as I unbutton my shirt and sit on the bed. She smiles, walks over, and takes off my shirt and undershirt. She falls back onto the bed, and I crawl on top of her, taking off her shirt as I do.

"Cig, hun?" she offers once we're done.

"Sure," I say taking one from the pack, "but since when do you smoke?"

"Since, you knew I smoke, shut up." I give her a questioning look. Manny Santos, you do not smoke. But whatever. "Hey, Spin, I was thinking..."

"Yes?" I mumble. I'm tired.

"Well, I think it would be good and fun, if maybe tomorrow, we had a party here. I could invite the girls and get back on their good side. I mean, I saw Paige with Sean tonight, so she's moving on. We never have fun anymore."

"You didn't think tonight was fun?" I did.

"I mean, fun with our friends. Face it, Spin, we don't have friends."

Well, okay, Captain Blunt. "Manny, a party would be great. Set it up tomorrow, okay? But right now, I'm just tired. I'm going to turn in. Night babe," I say and kiss her forehead.

"Night. You gonna wake up for me tomorrow? I have Spirit Squad at nine."

"Of course," I say into my pillow. "I'll be up at the crack of dawn."

At noon, my eyes register light. It doesn't come to me for a few minutes that I missed Manny this morning, but it's still not a big deal. I get up and stretch. Then, I come across a note she left on my dresser. I open it, still not thinking totally clearly, but close enough.

Hun,

Lots of stupid, cheesy, romantic stuff. You looked adorable. Spirit Squad blah blah. Pick up food, see if you can get beer. Blah. Blah blah.

I Will Love You Always and Forever,

Manny

Oh, well, shit. There's that, too.

_"I'm reading your note over again,  
And there's not a word that I comprehend,__  
Except when you signed it,__  
I will love you always and forever."_

The phone ringing wakes me from my after-breakfast nap. I roll onto my side with a groan and check the caller ID. Jay. I hit the end button so it will stop ringing, but the fact that he woke me up still stands. I think about getting up, showering, you know, doing something. I'm still tired from the night we had last night. I got pretty wasted pretty early. And that is not a good thing for Sean Cameron.

I decide today shall be a lazy day. Maybe I'll make it into work later, maybe I won't. It depends on my mood. God, I love that. I search the ground for a cd to put on, and I bring up about fifty, all of them burnt or stolen.

The first one that catches my eye is "Ashley loves Sean forever" with a bunch of hearts on it. I throw it on the ground. Cheesy love songs aren't going to cut it. The cd I do decide to put in is an Ash mix, but it's one that talks about all of the pain of her past, mostly losing Ellie. I put it in, and "The Most Depressing Song" comes on.

I can't believe I fucked up the most amazing experience of my life. And now there's perfect little Ms. Michalchuk, who I find myself falling for at a rapid speed. The shit I get from Jay and the looks from Ash still can't penetrate the fact that the chick is hot. Hey, I'm still a guy. She is hot. Things happen that you can't stop at that point.

So, am I moving on from Ashley? No. I'm trying. God, am I trying. I know there's no point to moping over a dead relationship, much how she did. It doesn't make any sense for me to do this. This isn't who I am.

The phone rings, and I look at the caller ID again. Paige's cell phone. I answer it so fast, I see spots. "Hey," I say as calmly and coolly as I can.

"Hey hun." Don't get excited, she calls everyone and their mothers 'hun.' "What are you doing?"

"Um," I kick around a few paper dishes, "I just finished eating. You?"

"Oh, that sounds exciting. I'm driving home from practice. It was so long this morning! But, one good thing did happen. Manny invited me to this shindig that she's throwing at Spinner's tonight. It should be fun."

"As fun as last night?"

She laughs. "Last night was pretty wild. But tonight should be fun, too, ya know? Anyways, I really want to go with you. I can't show up there alone."

I want to tell her that that's what friends are for, but I stop myself. "Sure Paige, I'd love to escort you to your ex-boyfriend's house."

"Don't be like that. I'm over Spinner. He's fucking Manny now. And we're, you know, whatever we are." There is dead air for a few seconds. "What are we?"

"Is this where I'm supposed to tell you that I consider you my girlfriend?"

"If that's how you feel," she retorts.

"Alright, I consider you my girlfriend."

"I don't remember giving you permission to feel that way," she says sarcastically.

"Oh, okay, well, hold on a second while I go bottle this barrage of feelings that came out like Pandora's box."

"What?" she asks. Whoa Cameron, too much emo crying music for you.

"Never mind. Pick me up at 8."

"I'll be there." Click. I miss Ashley. At least she asked me things, instead of telling me.

_"Well as for now I'm gonna hear the saddest songs,  
And sit alone and wonder,__  
How you're making out.__  
But as for me, I wish that I was anywhere, with anyone,__  
Making out."_

I park the car and walk up her sidewalk. Her brother opens the door before I hit the porch. "Toby, my man, what's going on?"

"Hey Danny," I say hitting him on the shoulder. "Where's your sister?"

"You know that I don't know what chicks do when they're getting ready. You know I don't want to know, especially when it comes to my sister."

"So," I say coming into his house, "she's not ready yet?"

"Yes, she is," Liberty says as she comes down the steps. I give her a passing glance, still pissed that JT went with my sister instead of me. Well, that neither of them went with me. Fuck.

I look at Danny. I know he doesn't have the same twisted relationship with his sister as I do with mine, but he might be bored. "You in, Danny?" I ask.

"With you guys?" he questions.

"Toby, you don't have to," Liberty says.

"Nah, it's cool," I say twirling my keys around. "The more the merrier, eh?"

"Cool. Let me grab some money." He runs up the stairs, and I start out the door.

"We can just leave now," Liberty says as she follows me.

"Your brother's cool."

"Yea, I know, but inviting him on our date?"

I turn around and look at her. "It's a party, Lib. Don't worry about it."

"It's more than a party."

"Is it?" I ask. "Or do you just hope it will be?" I stare her down as Danny comes running out of the house.

"Thought you guys left me."

I break my stare on Liberty to look up at him and smile. "Nah, little Van Zandt. You're in. Let's go," I say getting in the driver's seat. Liberty, in an obviously pissy mood, takes the back, and Danny hops in the front with me.

By the time we get to the party, illegal substances are already out in full force. Manny comes up to me and gives me a huge hug. She's already totally gone. "I am so glad you two are back together!" I try to stop her, but she waves me off. "I always knew you two would end up together. You're both adorable, did you know that? Oh, I love you guys! Liberty," she says grabbing my "date" by the arm, "you have simply got to try this stuff that Jimmy brought. It makes you feel like, amazing. And stuff. Don't worry," she says looking back at me, "I'll get her back to you soon."

They scamper off, and I whisper, "Don't bother." Danny looks at me and laughs. I roll my eyes. "Want a drink?" I yell over the music.

He shrugs. "Whatever, sure. I'll be over with those ladies." He points to a few girls from my grade, and I just laugh.

"I'll find you." I push myself into the Mason kitchen, a place I know well because of my time spent here with Kendra. I open the fridge, which is totally filled with nothing but beer. I grab two Corona's and set them on the kitchen counter. After I close the refrigerator door with my foot, I turn around and see Ashley sitting in front of the beer I had taken out.

"Need this?" she says offering me a bottle opener.

"Thanks," I say taking it out of her hand and opening the two bottles. "Bored yet?"

She laughs. "Not hardly."

And she's drunk. I can't believe I didn't realize it sooner. It is Ashley. I should know everything about her, and I don't know this. I laugh at myself, my own idiocy, as I take a swig of beer. I open my mouth to say something witty or clever, something I haven't exactly thought of yet, when JT comes sauntering in. He's drunk, too. What a shocker.

He puts his arm around Ash. "Tobes, my man, what is up?" he exaggerates the last three syllables as he slaps my hand.

"Toby," Ashley says interrupting JT. "How's Liberty? I can't believe you two are back together. That's insane."

"We're not back together," I state matter-of-factly. "We're just hanging out."

"Whatever, little bro," Ash says. "I have a date with Michelob." She gets up and staggers over to the fridge.

I turn to JT. "And I have a date, with, well, with a beautiful evening." Beautiful evening? I'm getting so corny I even worry myself.

_"I'm missing your laugh,  
How did it break?__  
And when did your eyes begin to look fake?__  
I hope you're as happy as you're pretending."_

I laugh at Toby's retreating figure. That guy is so weird sometimes. I walk over to Ash and wrap my arm around her shoulders. "Guess who," I say.

"I got you a Bud Light. Here."

She starts back into the living room, but I grab her arm. She turns towards me. "It's so pretty out, Ash, come outside with me."

"I want to go mingle," she protests. "I didn't get to mingle last night."

I pout a little. "But I want to cuddle."

"We'll cuddle later. As of right now, I want to go socialize. I need my friends."

"Do you need me?" I ask.

"JT, not now."

"Not now what?"

"I don't want to discuss this now. Can you just let me have a little time with my friends? God, you're so suffocating."

I stare at her. Did she just say that? Suffocating? "If that's how you feel..." I start.

"Well it is! Now just leave me alone, alright? I didn't agree to date you again so you could act exactly the same way you did last time. You know me, you know I need space."

"Whatever Ash," I say slamming the kitchen door open. "You'll get all the space you need. Jesus, why did I think it would be any different? Where's Sean now Ash? Or are you just going to have to find yourself another worthless boy toy?"

"What?" she says in utter shock. Um, did I just say that? Suddenly, the empty kitchen becomes crowded as my peers and classmates watch an interesting argument unfold. "JT, just because you went all insane on me does not mean I have to be walking on egg shells every time I'm around you. Jesus, I cheated on you. I don't even fucking regret it, do you know why? Sean was fun, JT. Sean gave me space. Sean didn't decide one day that he was crazy. He stuck with his life; he dealt with his problems."

"You don't mean this Ash," I say coming closer to her. "This is the alcohol talking."

"Drunk words are sober thoughts, my friend," she says patting my shoulder. "Why don't you run along now, little boy? Run along, I think there's a crazy 'sylum down the road a bit. They'll treat you real nice."

Humiliated, I walk home. I remember catching a glimpse of Manny before leaving. She stood there, obviously drunk, mouth agape, and stared in horror at what Ash had said to me. She looked like she really cared and felt my pain. I pull my hood closed over my head even though it's really warm out. It's a long way home when you're drunk, a long way.

By the time I finally get into my bed, I'm worried sick what Ashley is doing now. She doesn't function normally when she's had a few. She does things which a sober Ashley wouldn't do, and she does things that she'll truly regret once tomorrow morning comes around. And without me there, I don't want to even think about the trouble she's getting herself into. But I do. Because all of my thoughts eventually go back to Ashley.

I love her.

_"I'm cuddling close,  
To blankets and sheets,__  
and I am alone.__  
In my defeat, I wish I knew you were safely at home."_

I walk up to Ashley Kerwin, something I've been afraid of doing ever since grade 9. But I guess all the beer that I've been drinking to keep up is having some kind of effect on my confidence. "What the hell was that?" I ask as I corner her into the same door that he just walked out of. I'm smaller than her, a lot smaller, but I feel bigger, and I stand bigger, than her right now.

"Manny, go bother someone else. I'm not in the mood."

"This is my fucking party, don't even think you can talk to me like that. Now," I say getting in her face as she cowers, "I think I asked you a question."

"Can't I have a fight with my boyfriend without everyone fucking caring? Why does it matter?"

"Because JT is a good kid. And you don't deserve him if you're going to treat him like that. God, Ash, you should know that he's better than that. You of all people, Ashley."

"What's your damage?" she spats as she moves past me. I keep my stance even after she's gone for a few seconds before turning around.

I look at the few spectators remaining. "There's nothing to see here folks," I say shooing them away.

"Manny, what the hell just happened?" Spinner asks as he pushes himself past everyone.

"Ashley just said a whole lot of rude shit to JT. God, that dyke."

"Let's try to keep the yelling to a minimum," he says. "Our neighbors are really nosy."

I smile weakly. "Sure thing." He wraps his arm around my waist, and we head back into the living room. "Oh good, Paige and Haze are here. Want to come over with me?"

"I think I'll pass," he says before starting towards Craig, sans Emma. I wonder about it, but realize she probably is sick or something. Being pregnant sucks.

"Paige, hun, hey!" I say as I walk up to them. They're still sort of near the door, just looking around. Sean's standing behind Paige and Jimmy behind Hazel. "You guys just missed a scene.

"Hey hun," Paige says kissing me lightly on the cheek. "What happened?"

"JT and Ashley drama. It was totally harsh. But I got it taken care of, don't worry. I just wish Ashley would get the hint that I don't want her here.

Hazel and Paige laugh. "You have to be very blunt for Ashley to understand anything," Hazel says. "Oh, by the way, nice job on getting Spinner to lighten up."

"Oh," I say looking around. "He was totally up for it. We don't really party much. It's usually just us, so this is definitely good. Hey, who wants a beer?"

Paige looks to her colleagues for an answer. "Um, I think we'll make our way to the kitchen later," she finally responds.

"Well then, just make yourselves at home everyone. I'll be around all night, so just grab me if you need anything. Have fun!" I realize as I walk away that I'm so desperate to get friends, I just made myself sound like a corny waitress.

I pass people on every sort of mental state possible. The stoners are high, the drunks are wasted, and a few people are scattered around with water. Pussies. I find a group of guys low on beer, and I use this as an excuse to get myself more beer. The more beer, the bigger the party.

_"I'm missing your bed,  
I never sleep,__  
Avoiding the spots where we'd have to speak,__  
And this bottle of beast is taking me home."_

"Liberty," he says to me as we get outside, "we're not a couple, okay? Will you please stop telling people that? We aren't back together." I see the vein in his temple throb, and it makes me take a step back.

"Toby, I'm sorry, I just..."

He cuts me off. "Liberty, I'm just irritable today. I'm sorry. Can you just have Danny walk you home? I would, but I need to go find my own sibling. She was really scaring me earlier with the JT fight."

Ok, so I love the fact that he and Ash are so close, but sometimes, it's a little too close. It's almost as if he'd rather be dating her. "Sure, I'll go home with Danny. It's not a problem. But Toby, please don't be mad at me for tonight. What I did was stupid, and I know we're not together. You're just a really good friend, and I don't want to ruin that. So can we go back to being friends? I'd really like that."

He looks up at me with sympathy in his eyes. Sympathy that mocks me. "Of course, Libs. You know we're always going to be like this." He wraps his arm around my shoulders, but it's stiff, and it's not the same. "Well, I'm going back in. So, bye, and stay safe." He kisses my forehead as he leaves, and I wonder if he'll ever know how important he is to me.

_"Well as for now I'm gonna hear the saddest songs,  
And sit alone and wonder,__  
How you're making out.__  
But as for me, I wish that I was anywhere, with anyone,__  
Making out."_

I run back inside, passing Danny as I do. "Your sister's waiting for you," I say pointing to the door. He nods.

I scan the entire downstairs in a few minutes, but she's not down here. I didn't expect her to be. She wouldn't mingle after the fight she just had. I climb the stairs and take a deep breath as I look at the row of closed doors awaiting me. I knock on the first door, and I hear Sean gruffly yell at me from inside. "I'm looking for Ash!" I say.

"She's not in here." I don't know if I quite believe him, so I stay outside that door for a few more minutes. Finally, I get the confirmation I need when I hear Paige moan a little.

I try the next door, but Jimmy yells. I sigh heavily as I try the last door. I hear a few muffled noises, and then the door clicks open. "Ash, I've been loking everywhere for you," I say as she comes out into the hall.

"Been thinking," she says. She offers me in by kicking the door open, and I follow her in. I turn around and close the door. After thinking about it, I decide to lock it. Just my fantasies, sure, but you never know.

"Penny for your thoughts?" I ask, and I flick a penny onto her lap.

"Not worth sharing," she answers. I take a seat next to her on the bed. All of the sudden, her head is in my lap and my fingers are stroking her hair.

If she only knew what I was thinking, she'd never speak to me again. "God, Tobes, why did I let him come back to me?"

"He's a nice kid."

"He brings me nothing but heartache," she says.

"Love's a many complicated thing."

She sighs and brings her head upright. I'm disappointed, but then she turns to face me, and our faces are inches apart. "I'm sorry," she says without moving. "Am I making you uncomfortable?"

"Not at all," I answer quickly.

She laughs at me. After a few seconds, she moves her face a little bit closer. I know it's only the beer in her system making her do this, but I still want it more than anything I've ever wanted before. "What about now?" she asks.

"I'm still fine," I say, slower and not as squeaky as the first time.

It's a game now. She moves her face slightly closer. "Uncomfortable yet?"

"Nope," I answer.

Her face moves just a little closer, but our lips brush each other. "Now, you have to be uncomfortable."

"I'm not," I say. I lean into her enough so that the kiss is formed. I feel her tongue on mine, wrestling for control. I feel my hands move to the small of her back. I've fantasized about this moment at least a million times, but it happening is an even greater thrill than any fantasy.

I move her slowly to a lying position, which is enough to break the kiss. "Do you think," I ask as I crawl on top of her. "Do you think this is right?"

She looks at me and smiles. "No, Toby. This isn't right."

_"Your hair, it's everywhere.  
Screaming infidelities,__  
And taking its wear."_


	6. Hands Down

I Need You So Much Closer  
  
A/N: Have I told you lately that I love Jamie? I really do. She's the ying to my yang. Anyways, she's my total and utter inspiration. Without her, I'd be staring at a blank chapter 3 wondering "where do I go from here?" and wondering if anyone, other than myself, cares at all. Yes, that means you need to review so Katy feels loved. And love Jamie. Cause I sure do.  
  
Disclaim Bee: "Hands Down" belongs to, guess who, Dashboard Confessional. God, I'm obsessed. Degrassi belongs to CTV.  
  
Chapter 6: Hands Down  
  
I cross my legs on the chair awkwardly. I stare at the blank pieces of paper I laid out on my make-up table and shift uncomfortably. I shouldn't even be allowed to call this wretched stool a chair. I fall off of the chair and land haphazardly on my bed, taking a few of the blank papers with me.  
  
Why did I have to be valedictorian? Honestly, what am I supposed to say to my class? What words of advice do I have to give? I haven't even had a real relationship with any member of the graduating class, save Craig, since Ellie died. Am I supposed to talk about that? I can't.  
  
And I can't even think. Tomorrow's my graduation. Tomorrow, I commence my real life. Everything to this point has been something that is meant to be buried. I'm supposed to be nostalgic right now, to have a good cry and a few good laughs with people that I've shared my life with. But I can't. Because every person that I've shared my life with hates me. My past is like a bad party or a long class that you watch the clock until you can leave. Tomorrow's the bell.  
  
But I'm Ashley Kerwin the screw-up. I've done some pretty stupid shit in my life. I didn't want to be boring, so I took E. I didn't want to move on from Craig, so I moped. I didn't want to admit that I had felt true love, so I cheated on J.T. Sean was the only thing that I can't attribute to being my mistake. That was all him. Ellie's dead, and I couldn't stop her. And now, I've crossed so many lines. With my god damned step-brother. How could I? How could he? Were we that plastered?  
  
My phone rings again, and I stare as his name pops up on the cell screen. I start to sob violently, but there's no tears left. I simply shake and heave on my bed, trying to remember how exactly tomorrow will be the best day of my life. I guess it won't be, not unless I fix this brilliant mess that I've created, very much single-handedly.  
  
He calls back, again and again, and the vibrations of my phone are incorporated into my body. Finally, I stop convulsing long enough to answer. "I'll be there in a half hour," I say before hanging up. I can't hear his voice. It would, at this point, drive me over the edge.  
  
I pull onto my old street and wait at the corner. 6, 5, 4, 3, 2... He runs out just on time. He stops before my car and stares at me like a deer caught in the headlights. Without thinking, I honk my horn. I don't know why I'm so impatient, but I am. "Sorry," he mumbles weakly sliding into the seat next to mine.  
  
He closes the door, and we drive in silence. I stare out the window longingly, but I can still feel him occupying the car. He's still here. Why? Please, leave. Why did I do this to myself? How could I do it to him?  
  
I take a deep breath before stopping at some long abandoned park. The swingsets are rusted, that is considering that there's only one or two swings still left on them, and even the grass had some weird, brownish tint. Like it's lifelessness radiates, still radiates, ready and willing to infect anyone who dares contact it. And I dare.  
  
I grab my bag and head quickly to the first swingset. He follows, but quieter and slower, but I don't dare turn around and acknowledge him. Not yet. I search through my bag until my fingers hit a very familair, very comfortable object. My shaking fingers pull out a pack of cigarettes, and somehow, I manage to light one and set it against my lips. Inhaling deeply, I look up, finally, and decide to face my actions.  
  
"I thought you were trying to quit," he says, looming over me like some shadowy ghost.  
  
"Things change. Toby, I'm so sorry," I say, my eyes quickly darting anywhere but his face.  
  
"For what?" he asks.  
  
"God. Please don't pretend, don't make this harder than it has to be. I made a mistake, Toby. I had a fight with J.T., and you were there, and you've always been the only guy I've ever loved. I think, I mean, I might love J.T. But I love you so much more. And then look what I did! You're never going to forgive me. Toby, Jesus, if you knew how sorry I was..." The tears that I didn't think were there pour out at this fresh unbandaged wound.  
  
"No, you shouldn't be sorry. You can't be. Things happened, but Ash, they're in the past. We can forget it, okay?"  
  
I look at him, only sniffling now, the tears burrowing back into their ducts. "You hate me."  
  
He grabs me by the shoulders(I'm sure he's looking out to make sure this is platonic enough) and lifts me off the swing. He puts his arm around my shoulders(again, platonic) and leads me back towards the car. "Ash, you're my sister. You're like, amazingly important to me. I could never hate you. More than that, I'd rather hate myself. I don't think life would be any fun without you."  
  
I laugh one of those awkward, 'I-just-got-done-crying' laughs and put my cigarette out with my shoe. I'm going to quit, for good this time. Just as long as things with J.T. go as well as this.  
  
"Breathe in for luck, breathe in so deep.  
This air is blessed, you share with me."  
  
"Spinner," she whispers in my ear. A chill goes down my spine, and I turn towards her. Shivers. She still gives me shivers.  
  
"Babe," I answer with a peck on her lips. She then forms them into a smile against my cheek.  
  
"I love you, Spinner Mason. I can't believe you're graduating tomorrow. Wow, I love you."  
  
I gather her in my arms, pressing her body as close against mine as I can. "I love you, too."  
  
"What do you think is going to happen from here?" she asks, her fingers tracing over my stomach and her head resting on my shoulder.  
  
"Well, you're going to watch me graduate, and then we're going to have the most amazing summer of our lives."  
  
"Yes...?" she says. "Go on."  
  
"And then, we'll see."  
  
"Spin, you're going to university. I love you, Spin. But you're not going to want to be with a high school chick when you have all these other, more experienced, university, well, you know, women." The way she said women was so cute, I have to kiss her. She slaps me playfully. "Well, Spinner, what's it going to be?"  
  
"You, Manny," I say burrowing into her neck. "It's always going to be you. Don't even have to ask."  
  
This seems to satisfy her enough to let me slip the condom on.  
  
"This night is wild, so calm and dull.  
These hearts they race from self-control.  
Your legs are smooth as they graze mine.  
We're doing fine, we're doing nothing at all."  
  
He sits on the edge of his bed as I go through all his clothes. There is absolutely nothing here worthy, but I grin and he has no idea what I'm thinking. "Dylan's home, I'm sure he'll let you borrow something, if you want."  
  
"So the blue jacket is a no go?"  
  
I bite my bottom lip and shake my head. "Not with black pants, sweetie. But we're going over for dinner anyway. Why don't you wear the blue jacket tonight? With these pants?" I say holding up a pair of khackis.  
  
"I didn't even know I still had those. Babe, I haven't worn those since grade 7. The first time."  
  
"Will you wear them with jeans?" I say, batting my eyelashes.  
  
He raises his eyebrow. "Jeans and a polo, and that's my final offer."  
  
I break into a huge grin. "Thanks. Tonight's going to be so much fun."  
  
He gives me a look. "Fun, right. Dinner with the perfect Michalchuk family. Paige, your family is going to hate me."  
  
I roll my eyes. "They're not going to hate you! My mom is so excited, and well, my dad's weird. He'll like you a lot more than you think. And Dylan has already met you, and he doesn't have a problem."  
  
"Except that Jay used to call him Homochuk."  
  
"Hey, Sean, hey," I say snapping my fingers in front of his face. "Are you Jay?" No response. "Are you Jay?" I say with a twang of sarcasm.  
  
"No," he finally answers.  
  
"Is my brother blind?"  
  
"No."  
  
"Well, then, we have no problem."  
  
"Paige, it's not that simple. There's still a problem."  
  
"And what would the problem be?" I hold up the only two wearable polo shirts in his closet against my chest. "Do you like the green better?"  
  
"I liked the white, but whatever you want is fine." I stare at them contemplatively for a few more seconds, but this is just for show. Of course the green is better. There's no competition.  
  
I go to toss the white one back in the closet when Sean stands up hurriedly and grabs my hand. "No, it's not fine, never mind I said that. I am Sean Cameron, and sometimes, it seems like you've fucking forgot that. I need to be who I was before Paige 'the fucking fairy princess' Michalchuk, and Ash, and goddamnit all of them."  
  
I throw both the shirts in the closet, and turn on my heel and walk out of the room. "Wear whatever the hell you have on now."  
  
I stand in the hall with my arms crossed for a few seconds before I hear sobbing. I turn around, and I'm confronted by the last sight I've ever expected to find. "Sean," I say hurrying to him and wrapping an arm around him. "Sean, please tell me what's wrong."  
  
He scoffs and turns his head away. "You don't want to know. Trust me."  
  
"I'm Paige Michalchuk," I say with my silly little 'Miss Right' attitude as my mom calls it, "the Gossip Queen of Degrassi. Of course I want to know!"  
  
He manages a sharp laugh. "I guess, considering you," he turns and faces me, "I've had four girlfriends, right?"  
  
I do a little light addition. "Yea, that seems about right."  
  
"But that's not the end of my, erm, romantic past."  
  
I raise my eyebrows. "A hooker? Some crazy thirty year old mother of three? Oh, now it's getting good." I rub my hands together in anticipation.  
  
"No, our grade. You know, um, this person very well."  
  
"Hazel? Manny? Oh, it's Manny, isn't it? How juicy!"  
  
"It's Marco," he says cutting me off.  
  
I stare at him blankly. "Del Rossi?"  
  
"Yea, that's him."  
  
"Sean, you're not..."  
  
"I'm bi. Or I was bi. Or something. It was a really weird time."  
  
"Apparently," I scoff.  
  
"Paige, please. Do you know how hard this was to tell you?"  
  
I look at him and manage a half-smile. "I'm sorry. I really do admire you, and everything. I'm going to be accepting, I promise."  
  
"Thanks. Anyways, it was only once, or I mean, not once, but not a lot. It's been over for awhile, a long while, since Ash and I got serious. But, I just thought you should know."  
  
He's so lucky he's so hot. I just want to rip that shirt off of him, and bite his.... okay, Paige, stop. Get back on track here. "I'm totally cool with it. A past is in the past for a reason. Let's go, um, to my house, now." I stumble over the last few words, and he realizes this and laughs.  
  
"Green, you did say," he says rummaging through his closet. I smile brightly. Tonight's not going to be so horrible after all.  
  
"My hopes are so high that your kiss might kill me,  
So won't you kill me, so I die happy?"  
  
I run down the steps of her basement as fast as my legs can carry me. "Craig?" she asks. She's laying on her bed, a book tossed onto her night table without a second glance, and the television on some Lifetime movie or something.  
  
"I know you said you weren't feeling well, but Em, I'm graduating tomorrow. I couldn't not see you. I mean, I tried, but it sucked. I wanted to be here, with you."  
  
She laughs. "I look like shit, but I guess it's okay. Here," she pats an empty space next to her, "we can pig out on this monstrous bucket of ice cream together."  
  
I laugh and slide down next to her. "Sounds like a plan," I say grabbing the spoon out of her hand right as she's about to shovel some into her mouth. I eat it before she can grab it back.  
  
"Didn't anybody ever tell you about rule numero uno?"  
  
"And what's that?" I say wiping some excess 'cream off the corners of my mouth.  
  
"You never," she gets closer, "never," grabs my hand but doesn't attempt to take the spoon back, "ever take food from a pregnant woman!" She then yanks the spoon so hard and fast out of my hand, I instantly start rubbing my hand instead of trying to get the spoon back.  
  
After erupting in a fit of giggles(yes, both of us), I decide it's time. I mean, it's way late, but better late than never, right?  
  
I pat my pocket to make sure it still is(it is) then I roll her onto her stomach facing me. "Em," I say cupping her face, "God, you're so beautiful."  
  
She smiles and tries to turn away, but I don't let her. "Sorry, I'm not done. No, I mean, wow. This is really hard. Words are really, really hard."  
  
"What is it?" she asks, looking a little suspicious.  
  
"I really wanted to ask you that night we had dinner with Sean and Ash. God, you looked so beautiful that night. So amazing," I feel her tense up against my fingers, but she soon relaxes and smiles at me encouragingly. I brush some hair away from her eyes and continue. "I think you look even more amazing tonight, like this. Emma Nelson, I know that we've set a date and this may seem odd to you, but," I pull the ringbox out of my pocket, "I thought you should have this. I looked for one as beautiful as you, and this was the best I could do."  
  
She takes the ring box shakily, and opens it slowly. She immediatly raises one hand to cover her gaping mouth as tears stream down her face. I feel so great, like such a man, responsible for her happiness. I want to keep her this happy forever. "Craig," she wraps her arms around my neck and forces her lips against mine forcefully, "this is gorgeous. How did you ever afford it?"  
  
I smile at her and kiss her again, lightly. "I'm going to take care of you, Emma. Okay?" She nods. I kiss her again, but harder. I love her.  
  
"My heart is yours, to fill or burst,  
to break or bury, or wear as jewelry,  
Whichever you prefer."  
  
I follow Paige into Dylan's room. She immediatly goes through the closet and throws a white jacket on the bed. "No way," I say quickly. "That's too gay."  
  
"Calm down, straight eye," she says. "That is what Dylan's wearing tomorrow. I have to set it aside or I might forget."  
  
I raise my eyebrows. Okay? She grabs three more and presses these against her chest as well. "What I wouldn't give to be a jacket," I joke.  
  
She raises her eyebrows. "You'll have your chance." She tosses a lighter blue on the bed next to the white one. "Should we go, super formal, black tie only?" she asks holding up the black jacket. "Or the, I don't really care that much, but my girlfriend asked me nicely to wear a jacket, and I love her enough to do so?" she says holding up another blue jacket.  
  
I grab the black one out of her hand. "Black. It's kind of my trademark color."  
  
She laughs at me. "Here let me help you put it on," she says adjusting my sleeves. She rolls it up a little. "I think Mom can't get this done tonight. Alright, shirts."  
  
She opens a drawer full, yes full, with nothing but dress shirts. I sigh and sit on the end of the bed. She pulls them all out and heaves them onto the bed. "I want to wear a white shirt."  
  
She gives me a look. "You're not going to a funeral." As soon as she says it, a look comes over her face and she covers her mouth with her hand daintily. "Oh, I'm sorry, I didn't mean it like that."  
  
"Don't worry about it," I say patting her arm. "I know what you mean. What do you think?"  
  
"Personally, I like the lime green," she says holding it up. I give her a look of disgust. "Kidding, honest. I was really thinking more light blue." She holds it next to my jacket.  
  
"That looks fine," I answer.  
  
"Alright," she says, very pleased with herself. "Well, here are a few different sizes of dress pants. You try those on, and I'm going to go help my mom with dinner. Come down when you're done, and put the clothes you're going to wear tomorrow in a separate pile so I know which you chose. Okay?"  
  
"Yes, Princess. I think I can handle it."  
  
"Good," she says. She kisses me on the cheek and skips out of the room. I shake my head at her while I close the door. I turn around and take in Dylan's room. The way everything is in order, so clean and proper, it makes me sick. It makes me want this. I want to be clean and neat, but I can't. I'm not gay.  
  
I pick up a few of Dylan's pictures that are laid out on top of his dresser. I thumb through them, not noticing them completely, but there's a look on Dylan's face that makes me keep looking. "Good pictures, huh?" I hear. I drop the pictures back on to the dresser and spin towards the voice.  
  
"Dylan, I'm sorry, I was just..."  
  
"Bored of my sister?" he finishes. "I understand. Really, I do, don't worry about it."  
  
I nod. "Bored of Paige?" I joke. "Never."  
  
He catches my eye and smiles at me. I turn away slowly, but I smile back, except my smile's kind of aimed towards his carpet. "Do you want me to go or something? Were you changing?" He motions towards the huge mound of clothes on his bed.  
  
I roll my eyes. "Well, something like that. But, don't worry about it. You can stay."  
  
"You still gonna change?" he jokes. His hair, God, his hair. Yes, I want you to stay so I can change. I don't want to get redressed. God. Stop the thoughts. This is Dylan. Paige's brother. The ultimate in bad judgement, Cameron. "God, lighten up. It was a joke."  
  
"I know, I know," I answer quickly. "I was just thinking, about it, I mean, not that I would, but I had to think, no I mean, I knew I wouldn't, but..."  
  
"Sean, I like you, you're a good kid, but sometimes you just gotta shut up."  
  
"Right," I answer with a nod. "Shut up."  
  
He looks at me strangely. They really, really need to make a dumbass of the year award. For me. "I'm just gonna," he says and points to the door. "I'll see you at dinner."  
  
"Yea, I'll be down in a few," I say. We stand awkwardly before he laughs and walks out. I finally let out the air I didn't know I had in my lungs. Well, that was awkward.  
  
"The words are hushed, let's not get busted,  
Just lay entwined here undiscovered."  
  
I watch him walk down my front walk and get in the new car his parents just bought him for his 17th birthday. His taste lingers upon my lips, and I'm afraid to turn around and go back inside for fear that this fantasy might be ripped from my fingertips. Finally, after he's rounded the corner at the end of my street, I decide to go back in.  
  
I go into my room and pick up the phone. I quickly dial Kendra's number and wait for someone to pick up. "Hello?" she asks.  
  
"Ken!" I scream. I didn't even realize I was this excited.  
  
"Hey Libby, what's up?"  
  
"Guess who was just here!"  
  
"Um, Chad Michael Murray?"  
  
"Oh my God, I would so die. But, no, okay, Toby. How weird, yet so so great is that?" I smile so wide that my ears hurt.  
  
"Oh," the tone of her voice decreases significantly. "That's great. So you two are a couple now? Wow. How awesome for you." She doesn't sound the least bit happy. Jealous bitch.  
  
"I guess we are," I answer with a sarcastic tone. She's my friend. She should be happy for me. And, quite honestly, I'm quite peeved that she isn't happy for me. Toby and she were like two years ago. It's Toby and me now. We're the new Paige and Spinner.  
  
"Well, did you get some?"  
  
"Kenny!" I answer indignantly, forgetting for a second what a jealous bitch she is.  
  
"Well, there's gotta be a reason you're so giddy. I bet you did. Toby and I only kissed the whole two years we went out..." And here comes the jealousy.  
  
"Kendra, I'm happy because the love of my life realized what a fool he had been. I'm not happy because I got some weird Kama Sutra-induced orgasm."  
  
"Oh Libby, I always knew you were an S&M kind of girl."  
  
"Well, I just called you to tell you the good news. But, I'm not really in the mood for your suggestive language and such. I guess I'll just see you at graduation."  
  
She laughs. Stupid bitch. "Yea, I'll see you there." Click.  
  
"Safe in here from all the stupid questions,  
'Hey did you get some'  
Man, that is so dumb."  
  
I shovel some more potatoes into my mouth as Paige rambles on about what the rest of the Spirit Squad got her for graduation, which includes a lot of jewelry and a lot of pictures, neither of which I'm overly interested in. I stare at Dylan's jaw as he chews a bite of chicken and then swallows it. He goes to cut off another piece, but he catches my eye first. I look away, back at Paige, suddenly, but he knows how obvious that is.  
  
So, I decide to go for it. I mean, at this point, I've got nothing to lose. He's caught me staring. I lift up my leg, and it hovers gently in the air between us for a few seconds. Then, I have a sudden stroke of confidence, and I get my leg to gently tap his on his calf. He looks up at me with a confused expression, but I just hold his stare. He quickly averts his gaze and attention back to Paige. In embarassment, I do too.  
  
"I'm just a little mad that Manny got captain. I mean, I guess she has been the grade 11 with the Squad for the longest, but she's done some reproachable things in her past. I hope she doesn't give the Squad a bad name." Paige is obsessed with the Spirit Squad and Manny, because of that whole Spinner going after her for her sex.  
  
It starts slowly, innocently. He's taken off his shoes, or he wasn't wearing them to begin with, I forget. He brushes my ankles on the outside of my pants. I look up at him and smile a knowing smile, somehow hoping that will urge him to continue. He does, his foot creeping up until it reaches where it seems his foot was destined to reach.  
  
I clank my fork loudly against my plate. Paige turns and stares at me. Mrs. Michalchuk looks over. "Did you want some more, Sean?"  
  
"No thank you, Mrs. Michalchuk."  
  
Paige turns away from me and glances at her watch. "It's getting late. The other girls are probably already at Ashley's. Do you want me to drop you off?" she asks me.  
  
"I can drop him off," Dylan says quickly. "He wasn't done trying to find pants earlier. We both decided to give up and eat and start again after. So, we'll do that and then I'll take him home."  
  
A disbelieving look flashes across Paige's face before she shakes her head to get rid of it. "Just leave what you need to have mended out on Dylan's bed," she says. She kisses me on the cheek and gets up. "I'll be back early tomorrow, okay mom?"  
  
"That's fine sweetie."  
  
She walks into the other room. I hear keys dangling and then the door opens and closes. "We better get started," Dylan says as he swallows his last piece of chicken. "Thanks for dinner, Ma."  
  
"Yes, thank you Mrs. Michalchuk. It was delicious." I give her a half smile before following Dylan to his room.  
  
He clears his bed of all his clothes as I shut and lock the door. He turns towards me and pushes his lips onto mine so hard, that I fall back, the door catching and stopping me. This doesn't bother him; he slips his tongue into my mouth and grabs me, holding me against him. "You're so rough," I comment as he leads me to the bed. "Is this what Marco meant when he said you were rough?"  
  
Dylan laughs. "Marco was a good kid, but not as strong as we are. He couldn't handle it." I nod; I know this very well.  
  
"I'm sorry about the whole, me and Marco thing."  
  
He laughs. "Don't be sorry about it."  
  
I push him onto the bed and crawl on top of him. "Well, I'm not a cheater. I haven't cheated on Paige. Until now."  
  
I start to bite and suck on his neck, creating what I'm sure would be an interesting little something to explain in the morning. "Good. You shouldn't cheat on my sister." He lets out a soft moan as I hit what I assume to be one of his pleasure spots. "Except with me."  
  
"Stay quiet, stay near, stay close,  
they can't hear, so we can get some."  
  
I smile and jump up as I see Paige cross the threshold into Ashley's house. I grab her in a hug after she drops her overnight bag. "It has been so dead without you," I say so none of the other guests can hear. Musn't be rude, Hazel.  
  
"I hear this party needs a little dose of Paige," she says sauntering into the living room. I chuckle lightly at her; Paige is so crazy sometimes. Even after all she's been through, she's still the funniest and most outgoing person I know. I respect her so much for that.  
  
We sit around, watching our favorite movies, even a few home movies from Paige and Ash's pre-school days, and playing truth or dare. Heather Sinclair came clean about all the guys she's gone down on, including Spinner which freaked Paige out until she realized it was a joke. I mean, Heather and Spinner. Yea, right.  
  
My phone starts to vibrate wildly in my pocket just as I'm supposed to tell them all the secret reason I got detention back in grade 10. Oh, if they only knew. "Jimmy!" I say happily, saved by the boyfriend.  
  
"Hey babe," he answers. "Having fun?"  
  
Paige gives me a nudge so I look up. She points to Ash who mouths the words "invite him." "I'd be having more fun if you were here," I finally answer.  
  
"Is that an invite?" he asks.  
  
"Yup."  
  
"Well, I'll bring a few of the guys then. It'll be a real party."  
  
"Can't wait," I say and snap my phone closed. "He's coming," I say to the anxious girls. "And bringing some of the guys."  
  
They all look happy for a second. "Well," Paige says. "Turn off those home movies!"  
  
Jimmy comes about a half hour later with Spinner and Craig. "Hey baby," Jim says as he wraps me in his arms and kisses me sweetly. All the other girls "oooh" from the living room, but I just blush and brush them off.  
  
Spinner and Craig go over to talk to Ashley, and other than noticing that Paige seemed very bored and agitated at the whole ordeal, I didn't really notice anything the rest of the night. Just Jimmy and I. I'm so lucky that we're going to be together forever. I wouldn't have it any other way.  
  
"My hopes are so high that your kiss might kill me,  
So won't you kill me, so I die happy?"  
  
I sit at my computer, bored out of my mind. I can't believe Spin would go and hang out at a grade 12 party, one in which Paige is no less, without me. And I can't believe that I rely solely on him to do anything. It's so sad. I wish I had other friends.  
  
The thought of calling Emma passes briefly through my head, but I veto that one. Emma's changed since her pregnancy. Ashley and her are as close as ever. In fact, I'm sure Em is the only grade 11 at that party tonight. Yea, I bet.  
  
That leaves a few grade 10's on the Spirit Squad and the feeble amount of grade 11's that still talk to me. The Squad girls are probably just going to go get drunk and get with random guys, so that's not a go. I finally just pick up the phone and dial the number of the one person who I've been avoiding so well for so long.  
  
"Yello," he answers after the second ring.  
  
"Hey....it's Manny," I say.  
  
"Wow, Manny. Hey, Manny. Yea, definitly not expecting this, sorry. What's going on?"  
  
"Ha. Well, nothing. But you know that's not true. But the truth takes too long to explain. So, we'll just say nothing. How about you?"  
  
"Nothing. But mine is the truth. But, I'm not the kind of guy who asks just to make small talk. I really want to know."  
  
"Well then, I'll be over in twenty," I say. I expect refusal, or at least hesitation, but I'm shocked.  
  
"Alright, maybe you'll be able to cure my boredom."  
  
He opens the door a half hour later in sweat pants and a torn up t-shirt. It's not what I was expecting, but I can't say I'm surprised. "Come on in," he says with a smile.  
  
I enter the Yorke residence, and a feeling comes over me. Something strange, yet not totally foreign. I feel, for the first time in a long time, I feel like I'm home. "I was just watching Lord of the Rings, for like the seventy-third time. My obsession has hit a new peak."  
  
I laugh at him. So cute, so funny, and I wonder how in the world Ashley hurts him like she does. I join him on the couch. I've never given the movies a chance, for good reason I soon realize because I have no idea what's going on. But we don't really watch it anyways. We attempt to throw popcorn into each other's mouths, and I watch as he tries to balance a spoon on his nose. Not good.  
  
"J.T., you're such a dork," I say grabbing the falling spoon before it hits the ground.  
  
"But that's why you love me, oh-so-much."  
  
"And who says I love you?" I say with a newly cocky attitude.  
  
"Oh, a little birdie told me. You aren't trying to say that the little birdie lied, are you?"  
  
I feign shock. "Oh no! Little birdies can't lie! They just can't. It's like, anatomically impossible."  
  
"I'm so proud. My little Manny's getting all grown up, using a-dult words."  
  
"Shut up J.T.," I say punching him lightly in the shoulder. He grabs my hand for retaliation and I draw back in anticipation. Somehow, this leads to him falling on top of me on the couch. We're still laughing, but it slowly dies down. We're both obviously aware of each other's close proximity, but it doesn't seem weird. No, it doesn't seem weird at all.  
  
He leans in and brushes his lips against my forehead. He's so sweet; I'm so tantalized. "Manny, we can't do this. You have a boyfriend."  
  
No! Boyfriends don't matter. Oh God, yes they do. Ah, look at J.T.'s lips. His mouth, turned upright in a smile for you. His eyes, glistening, hoping for some sign of permission. You have to do this. This is what you do, Manny.  
  
I owe J.T. He wasn't my first love, but he should've been. He's always been there for me, much more than any boyfriend of mine, other than the current one. I love him. But I owe J.T. In that, there's something much, much bigger.  
  
So I kiss him.  
  
"My heart is yours, to fill or burst,  
To break or bury, or wear as jewelry,  
Whichever you prefer."  
  
Mr. Radditch looks down on me, beeming something fierce, as he announces me as the Valedictorian of the class of 2006. I smile broadly as I walk to the podium. He shakes my hand, and I keep from shaking. I'm about to put on the biggest show of my life, and the only problem lies in whether the people who supposedly know me the best will buy it. "Ashley Kerwin," he says still shaking my hand again. "Somehow, I never doubted it would be you up here giving this speech. Everyone knows you certainly deserve it."  
  
A person's words in this situation are supposed to encourage you, am I right? So, why do his words only dishearten me to the point of hopelessness? I can never deliver a speech in front of these people. What am I doing?  
  
But I take the mic, and it's my time to shine. Suddenly, the power of so many eyes and ears on me is empowering. So daunting, yet so exhilerating. I could bask in this feeling for the rest of my life. Now I know what it means to make your graduation speech.  
  
"Today, I am honored by the chance to speak to you, my classmates, friends, mentors, and family. Looking back over my high school years, I am reminded of a famous line from the 1970 movie 'Love Story.' The quote is: 'Love means never having to say you're sorry.' If this statement is held true, then I must admit to everyone here that I have not loved anyone.  
  
"So, I am finally ready to apologize for this. I have made entirely too big of a deal out of the little things. Coming on to my commencement into, what most call, the real world, I have come to realize that I am tired of creating bad memories for myself.  
  
"As your valedictorian, I am thought of as a leader and therefore able to give advice to you. Although I'm sure most of you will look at me as an pompous ego-maniac, I'm going to do just that. My advice to you, class of 2006, is to please, please do not make the same mistakes I have. Please accept apologies the first time as sincere as you know they are. If not, you might not know the wonderful friends and even better memories you'll be missing out on.  
  
"The high school years here weren't the best for any of us. The tragic and premature loss of Ellie Nash is something that none of us expected nor were prepared for in the least. It was a blow to the entire Degrassi community, but it hit a few of us the hardest. Ellie was an amazing human being, and I'm sure she would like nothing more than for all of us to be able to live in the moment.  
  
"She has grounded me so much, even in death, especially in death. I know now how my actions affect everyone I contact. I have so much to do, and in the end, so little time. In the words of modern-day poets Switchfoot: 'Life is a day that doesn't last for long.' So, now is the time to do what we've always wanted. We may not have the world at our fingertips, but we're close, aren't we?  
  
"I have only one more thing to ask of you. I want each of you to do something you've always wanted to do, and it's now possible. I want you to do it tomorrow. We're not in high school anymore, so I can't technically call it homework. But, just think about the fact that I may check up on each of you.  
  
"So, congratulations and good luck. And to each of you, you'll always have a friend at Degrassi. Peace."  
  
"Hands down, this is the best day,  
I can ever remember."  
  
"Toby," I say grabbing my best friend, or old best friend, or whatever he is, and pulling him out of the shelter. "Is she here?"  
  
"Come to the Kerwin graduation party, we have the one and only valedictorian of Degrassi's class of 2006." He deepens his voice dramatically for effect.  
  
"Oh," I peer in. Sure enough, I see her shaking hands with a couple of anonymous elderly people. Maybe great aunt and uncle? Who knows. Who cares. "I can't believe Kate and Jeff helped Albert and Christopher with this whole thing. It doesn't seem like something they'd want to be involved in."  
  
"Yea," Toby agrees leaning against the wall. He pulls out a pack of cigarettes. "It's been awkward."  
  
"Since when do you smoke?" I shoot at him without thinking.  
  
"I don't know, but it's sure a hard habit to break." Whatever.  
  
"Do you think the speech was about me? The making mistakes part?"  
  
Toby shrugs and takes a puff. "How the hell should I know? Ashley never understands what she's writing about, and you shouldn't try to figure it out."  
  
"Well, I am going to find out." I turn away from him and hurry into the shelter. She's alone now, smiling at everyone from her spot next to the food table. I take a deep breath, determined to start talking before she even sees me. Her jaw drops as she gazes upon me, and I slow my pace down to a slow walk. She suddenly smiles, and envelopes me in a hug as I come closer.  
  
"How did you know?" she asks taking my hand.  
  
"Know what?"  
  
"How did you know that all I've been doing is thinking about you. How did you know that you're the only person I wanted to be here. How did you know how sorry I was?"  
  
I shrug, my fingers intertwining her's. "I guess I'm just genius like that."  
  
In love? Maybe. Okay, definitly. This girl has got me head over heels, and she knows it. She pulls me out onto the makeshift dance floor. I feel her body pressed against mine, and I'm home. I'm in love. But, will I let her walk all over me anymore? I'm older, and she's reformed. Or at least she's attempted to reform. Either way, we're going to be equals from this point on. I need her, but she needs me, too. She knows this. Our palms pressed together for dear life tell me this. I deserve respect. And this time around, I'm going to get it. I'm J.T. Yorke. Don't no one mess with this shit.  
  
"I'll always remember the sound of the stereo, The dim of the soft lights, the scent of your hair,  
That you twirled in your fingers."  
  
"Ow," I say gripping his hand tighter. I look up with sympathetic eyes. "I don't know where all these pains are coming from. Maybe I should go home and ask my mom for some pills or something."  
  
"Emma," he says concernedly, "maybe you should get to the hospital. What if it's serious?"  
  
"No Craig. I'm fine. I wouldn't want to ruin tonight for you. It's your graduation night, and these pains are nothing. I mean, they hurt, but they're not serious. I can tell. Don't worry about it. Pregnancy isn't a walk in the park."  
  
He kisses my temple. "I love you, Emma Nelson."  
  
"I love you, too. So, we're going to Spinner's for a bit and then Ash's?"  
  
"Yea," he answers.  
  
"And your's is tomorrow?"  
  
"Yup. Graduation parties are confusing shit."  
  
"You can say that again." He holds the door to the run down club where Spinner's party is. My eyes dart around the room nervously; I am not friends with anyone here. "I'm going to go to the bathroom. I'm not sure what help that will do, but I'll be back in a few minutes. K?"  
  
"Sure. Hope you feel better soon," he kisses me again before I head towards the bathroom. I walk into it and initially gag from the smell. After a second, I force my nostrils to get used to it, and I bear the smell.  
  
"Are you alright?" I whip my head around at another voice in the supposedly abandoned bathroom.  
  
"Manny," I say cautiously. "I'm fine."  
  
"You don't sound fine," she says turning on the faucet. "Come on, Em, you act like I haven't been through this already."  
  
"With the same guy. Manny, I am quite aware."  
  
"So talk to me, Em," she says as she wipes her hands off on the back of her jeans. I stare at her unhygenic ways, my OCD showing through a little. "Even if we're not the best friends we were in grade 7, I really do care about you."  
  
"That's very noble of you, Manny, but I'm fine. I've just been having some pains while we walked over here, and I thought the bathroom would be a safe hideout. I was a bit wrong, as you can tell."  
  
"What kind of pains," she asks.  
  
"I don't know. Sharp. Inconsistent. Painful."  
  
"Em, go check your underwear."  
  
"What?" I say stepping back from her.  
  
She pushes me into the stall. "See if you're bleeding! Now!"  
  
Something about her tone of voice makes me nervous, and I follow her directions impeccably. I push open the door a few seconds later. "Manny," I say looking up at her with tears stinging my eyes. "There's blood. There's a lot of blood."  
  
"And the time on the clock when we realized it's so late,  
And this walk that we shared together."  
  
"Paige," I sigh wrapping my arm around her waist. "It's late. Can we get going soon?" The truth? Dylan keeps looking at me, and which each passing glance, I grow more attracted to him and more ashamed of myself. I just need out.  
  
"Sean, it's my graduation party."  
  
"I know. But what's better, sitting here in this stuffy shelter, making awkward small talk with members of your family whom you thought dead, or going home to an empty house, and letting me give you the best damn graduation gift ever?" I kiss her neck in a way that no one can see.  
  
"Okay hun, you just answered your own question." She grabs my hand, and with a quick wave to her parents and Dylan, we're suddenly walking outside. The air smells sweet, something that occurs rarely after a light rain. I squeeze her hand.  
  
"Cold?" I ask. The air smells sweet and that's good, but the earlier rain also causes the cold to stick to your skin as you walk.  
  
"A little," she answers. I drop her hand and wrap my arm around her, pulling her closer. "I'm surprised Dylan didn't try to stop us," she says snuggling against me.  
  
"Why would he?" I answer. My mouth goes immediatly dry at the mention of his name, and I cough to alleviate the pressure.  
  
"Oh I don't know. He's been acting really weird today. He told me that you were no good for me, or something. Don't worry," she says looking at the suddenly distorted look on my face. She kisses my cheek. "I've never agreed with my gay brother's taste in men."  
  
"I told you he was still mad about that Jay thing."  
  
"He's not still mad about that Jay thing. He's just psychotic."  
  
I roll my eyes. "Like that's much better?"  
  
She playfully hits me. "All Michalchuks are psychotic."  
  
"Well that's good. I think they say the same about my family."  
  
We near the back of her house. "Ah shit," she says digging through her purse.  
  
"What's wrong?"  
  
"I forgot the key to the front door, and the gate to get in the back is locked."  
  
"We could go to my house," I offer.  
  
She shivers. "It's so cold. I just want to go in!"  
  
We come upon the gate in question. "Can't you open it from the inside?"  
  
"Yea," she answers. She points to where her dress falls. "But I'm not climbing that in this skirt."  
  
"Hope Dylan won't hate me more for ruining his pants," I say. I take off my jacket and hand it to her before climbing the fence quickly and easily. I drop to the bottom and open the gate for her. Her smile is huge as she wraps her arms around me.  
  
She holds me out at arm's length. "Not too much damage to the pants." We both laugh a little. Her lips brush against mine in a soft, delicate, feminine kiss. Internally, I'm screaming. I want this kiss. I need it. I want Paige so bad. At the same time, I'm left longing for something more... masculine. Something more like Dylan. Although I'm pissed like hell at him right now.  
  
"The streets were wet and the gate was locked,  
So I jumped it, and let you in."  
  
"We better get going," she says resting her hand on my arm. I look up from the floor and catch her eye. I smile.  
  
"Okay," I answer. So whipped, J.T., so whipped. I walk with her to the car and open the driver's door for her. "Doesn't have the same affect, does it?" I ask once I slide into the passenger's seat.  
  
"Nope. But it's still sweet." She leans over and kisses me. "I've missed that."  
  
I smile and traces of pink bleed through my cheeks. "Not as much as I did."  
  
"Spend the night," she says grabbing my hand. "I'm staying at Kate and Jeff's. I told them I would. Sleep in Toby's room. They won't care."  
  
I think about it for a second. But what is there to think about really? "Yes."  
  
"Well good," she says pulling onto her street. "Because I wasn't about to take you home."  
  
She parks in front of her house, and we get out. Before we go in, she grabs me in a deep, passionate kiss. One we haven't had in awhile. I place my hands under her shirt and rub the small of her back for a few moments. The night air surrounds us in a bit of a chill as I dare to inch my hands closer to her bra.  
  
She breaks the kiss slowly. "Inside," she says before leading me in. I love this girl.  
  
"And you stood at your door with your hands on my waist,  
And you kissed me like you meant it."  
  
Goddamnit Toby, you are a moron. Why couldn't you just let things be? You had an irrational crush on your fucking step-sister. So? I guess those kinds of feelings are normal, or semi-normal, or they can maybe be expected. But acting on them? Ruining that relationship? Nothing excuses that.  
  
I leave the party and start walking back home. If Ashley isn't even here, it's not practical to expect me to stay here. The cold air rips through me, and I tighten my jacket against my skin as if that will change anything. Of course it doesn't, and I quicken my pace. It is so damn cold for a May night. I hate Canada.  
  
I'm going to take Liberty and run away with her. She's all I have left. I'm going to take her somewhere warm where people won't judge us for who we're friends with and no one will know that I once loved my step-sister. I'll never see her again if I don't want to. I won't be reminded constantly that with the best night of my life, there comes consequences that will always haunt me.  
  
Once I turn the corner to my road, I'm so relieved. I'm still pissed that Kate and Jeff didn't let me drive. Assholes. I could've saved myself a lot of cold heartache. Although, knowing me, I would've thought of her either way, but at least in my car, I'd be warm.  
  
I rush down the sidewalk. I look up my sidewalk before turning, and the sight makes me immediatly turn back around. She's here! With him. The anger pumps through my veins. Why does she do this to me? Doesn't she know I love her?  
  
I peek around the corner, making sure I'm not easily seen. Her hands are on his waist, and his are under her shirt. Goddamnit, stop them Toby! They're engaged in the longest kiss known to mankind.  
  
I'm about to run up to them and break them up, but something stops me. I look at her. She means it this time. I put myself in J.T.'s position, and shivers run down my spine. She has never kissed me or anyone like that. She loves him. And as much as I'm pissed right now, I have to let them be. Maybe, someday, I'll find love like that. Until then, I'm not going to go around fucking up love that other people have found. That's just not nice.  
  
"And I knew that you meant it,  
That you meant it, that you meant it." 


	7. Break Myself

**I Need You So Much Closer**

Disclaimer: The song belongs to Something Corporate. Get ready, cause you're gonna be hearing a lot more from them soon. Degrassi-CTV and Epitome.

**Chapter 7: Break Myself**

Sometimes, in a lonely desparation, your heartbeat is the best thing next to a gun to evoke thoughts of suicide. Maybe I overexaggerate because I'm lonely. I've always been lonely. I've never been able to be alone.

That's really harsh on myself. I can be alone; I simply don't like it. It's not easy, it's not particularly fun, and it's not what is expected of me, Paige Michalchuk.

I press my phone to my ear and listen to the dialtone for a good minute until the operator kicks in. Damn her. I hang it up and grab my cell phone, staring at it but not moving to push any buttons. Should I do it? I sigh slightly and punch in his number. A wind blows over my bare stomach, and somewhere, I find the nerve to hit send.

He picks up after the fourth ring. "'Ello?" he asks in his best fake tired voice. Come on Sean Cameron, you can't tell me you were sleeping. You were up too, contemplating the same thoughts that plagued me.

"Sean baby, it's me," I say in my best 'temptress' voice.

"Paige? Hey."

I hear him yawn into the phone. Wow, Sean, I didn't know you were such a great actor. "Did I wake you?"

"No, it's fine." Was that a no or a yes? Oh well, doesn't matter.

"I'm sorry about earlier. I didn't think I was ready."

"It's fine, Paige. It's not like the only reason I'm dating you."

Uhh, and who said it was? "I am ready, Sean. I do want this with you. I don't know what tonight was all about. I kind of need you, Sean. Can we start tonight over?"

"Paige, I appreciate that. I really do. But, right now, I don't think you know what you're saying. I think we should take a break, so you can think about everything, and then maybe we can try this again."

Sudden much? "Sean, what are you saying? Are you breaking up with me?"

"I don't want it to be the end, Paige, but this call proves it. You keep stringing me along and screwing with myself and your emotions. I don't want to let you do this to either of us anymore. In a few weeks or months or something, we'll try this again."

"You are breaking up with me. Goddamnit. How could you do this to me, now? You know what, never mind. Goodbye. I'll talk to you when I'm sane and normal again, how's that? Fuck you, Sean Cameron. Fuck you up the ass with a chainsaw."

I slam my phone shut and throw it on the ground. No one treats me like that. Not even when I'm lonely. No one, except Spinner but he doesn't count. Screw guys, I'll be in college in a few months anyways.

_"I'm on fire,   
And the day is feeling hopeless.   
You'd see me burning but the burning's turning smokeless.   
Soon I won't feel at all,   
No."_

"Hello?" I ask groggily into the phone. I shake JT's arm so I can see the time on his watch. 2:32.

"Ash, it's me." I'd know that voice anywhere. Out of a thousand screaming voices, this is the one I would recognize. The voice that sings me to sleep, and then haunts my dreams. God, this voice is now hollow and alone, pleading with me from the other end of this phone cord.

"Craig, what's wrong?" I stifle a yawn.

"Is JT there?" He doesn't seem jealous, or angry, but a different emotion that I can't put my finger on, and he seems to be stalling.

"He's asleep right next to me, hence the whispering."

"I need you with me right now. I need you both, but I need you. I don't feel like I can breathe; Ash, everything just got taken away from me."

"Craig, slow down a little. What do you mean? Just explain this to me."

JT wakes up, maybe because of the urgency in my hushed voice, maybe because of a million other reasons, but he slides his hand over me to signal his alertness. My hand resting on the bed starts to shake from my nervousness, and JT puts his over mine to try to stop it.

"It's about, God Ash, I can't even say this, it's about Cameron." I try valiantly to think of anyone we know with that name, but I come up short. "We named her this morning. Right after she died. Cameron was going to be my little girl. Cameron is my little girl. She's dead. And I don't think I know what to do."

My hand protests against JT's and shakes violently. Tears stream out of my eyes without any pause. "Where are you?" I manage to choke out.

"Don't cry. Ash, don't cry." I can tell that he's crying, and I'm making him cry. I try to stop, but I can't. His sobs get gradually higher. "I found her, passed out in Manny's arms. Manny was dragging her towards me. I'll never forget that sight. It's like everything stopped, and my heart exploded out of my chest. Everything happened so quickly, and now, now..." His voice trails off, and the only sound over the phone became our synchronized sniffling and sobbing.

"Craig," I finally manage after I calm myself down. "Where are you?"

"I'm at North York. Just come when you can, ok? Don't worry. Don't cry. I'm sorry."

"No," I say into the dialtone. "No, Craig, I'm sorry."

I turn over to JT, who's propped on his left elbow and starts brushing the tears off my face. "Emma lost the baby," I say burrowing into him. "Craig's devastated. We have to go down there."

He strokes my hair. "Poor Emma," he mumbles. "I'll go get your jacket."

_"It's electric the neon heard inside your phone call.   
The letter's sadness and her madness it revolves.   
Bringing down the walls where you found her.   
No."_

"Emma," I say as her eyes blink slowly open. "Emma, can you hear me?"

"Craig," she says looking up at me with slight recognition. "Craig, I'm so sorry."

I sit next to her on the bed and wrap an arm around her. "Emma, this isn't your fault."

She reaches up and touches my cheek as her tears start to fall. "You were crying?"

"It's cold outside," I say.

"Your eyes are bloodshot."

"Maybe I've been drinking."

"Craig, it's ok. I'm so sorry I put you through this."

I move my head slightly to the side and touch her now barren stomach. "Cameron Julia Manning," I say softly. She looks up at me and fresh tears form.

"Your mom, Craig, and your dad, and now your second child to be killed. I am so sorry." She pets my hand slowly. "Craig, I have something else to tell you."

"What's that, Em?"

"I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. But I need to break up with you."

The silence over the passing moments hangs over us like a cloud of radioactive material. I stare at her fragile body lying next to me. Her slightly darkened blonde hair is sticking to the sides of her face. Her skin is transparent looking, and not even pregnancy put any weight on her frail arms. Her brown eyes have turned a shade of gray that I don't even recognize. I place my hand over hers and squeeze lightly. "No." I won't give you up, Emma. I can't.

Her tired eyes look up at me. "What? Yes, Craig, don't do this."

"Don't do what?"

"Don't make this so hard. I can't, I can't fight with you. I can't do anything. This drove us apart, and it's death won't bring us any closer."

I let go of her hand and stand up. I start to pace, but she only closes her eyes. "I want to marry you," I say weakly. Surprisingly, my conviction(or lack thereof) doesn't inspire her to jump up and take me back. She simply turns on her side, and I surrender myself to the waiting room. Again.

_"Well, I'm willing to break myself.   
To shake this hell from everything I touch.   
I'm willing to bleed for days more reds and grays,   
So you don't hurt so much."_

"Craig," I say pushing my way past doctors and wheelchair bound patients into a small waiting room. He's sitting with a boquet of flowers on his lap, and he's talking to himself as if going over the words to say to her.

"Ash," he says smiling up at me weakly. He glances behind me. "JT." He stands up slowly, turning his head for a second to brush away his tears. "Thanks for coming."

He wraps his arms around me in a weak hug, and I squeeze him to my body. I need him to feel with me. I need him to feel anything. "Of course we'd be here," I say after we let go. He shares a handshake with JT.

"How is she?" JT asks.

He smiles sadly. "She'll be fine. I think."

JT nods sympathetically. "Have you seen her?"

"Yea, you guys can go in if you want. She's able to have visitors."

I touch his arm delicately. "Why aren't you in there?"

He shrugs and takes a seat on the couch again, next to his flowers. I give JT a look, and he nods. "I think I'm going to go in and see her then," JT says. Craig gives him a half wave, and I kiss him lightly on the lips before he leaves.

I sit down next to him and pull my knees to my chin. "What happened?"

He jerks out of his daydream and looks over at me. "Why do you think something happened?"

"Because I know you better than you know yourself. And I know that you would be in there, sleeping on the floor if you slept at all, until she herself checked out. Unless something happened."

He laughs dryly. "She broke up with me."

I slide my arm through his that is holding the flowers. "I'm sorry, Craig."

"I've lost everything, Ash. I can't stay here."

"Ok," I say nodding. "I'll go in and tell Emma that you left, if you want."

"I don't mean the hospital. I mean Toronto. I mean Canada."

I sigh a little and put my head in my right hand. "Where would you go?"

"New York. I'm no good to anyone here."

"That's not true Craig," I say as soon as the words leave his mouth. "I want you to be here, and your friends, and Emma will too as soon as she's better."

"You don't get it. She just dumped me, and she's been acting distant since forever. She doesn't want to marry me, do you know how that feels? I feel like I'm going crazy. I love her, Ash. I can't see her with anyone else, do you know what that would do to me? It's best for everyone if I just leave now."

"I wish I could help you," I whisper.

"Everyone wants to, Ash. No one can." He hands me the flowers and stands up, shaking off the fatigue in his mucles. "I'm sorry. Complaining makes everything worse. I'll come see you before I leave, I promise."

I stand up and watch him walk out of the hospital, flowers in my hand. All of the sudden, I feel like a bride who has been abandoned at the alter. And I feel everyone's pain.

_"And now I'm static,   
As your sky is turning purple and gray."_

"Ashley Kerwin!" Her name pierces through my ears like a whistle to a dog, and I'm sure I look like a deer caught in the headlights. "Ash!" I want to grab his coat, stomp on his foot, shove my tongue down his throat; anything to shut him up.

She turns around and stares at me much like how I stare at her. She turns slowly and walks unsurely towards my boyfriend, who I'm attached to at the moment through interlocking fingers. I notice the flowers in her hands and wonder who got them for her, but I don't care. Probably JT, and that's not a subject I'd like to think about right now.

"Hi," she says bluntly as she walks closer. The tension's so thick you could cut it with a knife, but Spinner doesn't even notice.

"What room is she in?" Spinner asks dumbly.

"I know where she is, Spin," I say lightly, not meaning to offend her, but probably doing so anyway.

Ashley doesn't hear me, or she's ignoring me. "I'll show you."

We follow her down the hauntingly clean halls that meet others and then disappear into more heartbreak and death, or intense ecstasy and new life. I shiver slightly although it's not cold, and Spinner wraps an arm around me. I tremble at the new human contact. At this moment, I wish again that he had stayed with me, I could've prevented this. At the same time, I know I've caused the wound to deepen and split with my past actions. And I know that I could never predict the future, but I still wish that I could take it back and make his life easier.

"JT's in there now," she says in form of explanation as why he's not comforting her. Her words pass over me, and I don't even dwell on my own adulterous behavior only a few nights ago with her current boyfriend.

"I was here earlier," I say in some form of my own explanation. "I just left to get a shower and get Spinner. I was with her in the bathroom."

She nods at me, marking the first time she's made any contact with me that hasn't been with ill intentions. After she turns her head again, I smile; I can't help but smile. Ashley Kerwin doesn't hate me anymore. I've been working on that, well on and off, for more than 2 years.

The long, winding halls suddenly seem shorter, and I can see Emma's room, the door open and the light on. We press on even though the scent and feeling of death overcome me. I almost faint, but I stop and smile, following Ashley into Emma's small hospital room.

I run to her, not noticing anyone but this poor, helpless child in front of me. I kneel on her bed, holding her close to me. "Emma, my God," I whisper. I try to catch my tears so they don't fall in her hair, but I don't care; no one cares. I kiss the top of her head and brush back her hair. I hold her face in my hands. "Whatever happened in the past, I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry that we couldn't even talk to each other. I love that you and Craig love each other. I'm so sorry this happened to you; neither of you deserved this. My God, Emma, I love you."

She nods tiredly. "Manny, it's, never mind. Forget about it. Craig and I are broken up, how could I ever do that to you? Manny, I love you, too. You've been there for me since forever. Whatever pushed us apart, I'm just so happy you're here now. I'm so happy you were the one that found me. You saved my life."

I hold her for another undetermined amount of time, not letting go this little girl in my arms. I'm not sure at what point I filled out more than Emma had, or grew within inches of her height. But suddenly, she felt so small in my arms, and I would never let go again.

I finally let her free after both our eyes were dry, but still red and puffy from an overdose of crying. I look up and notice that Spinner, JT, and Ash must've given us privacy, although their presence wouldn't have mattered anyways. "So," I say sitting on the bed and grabbing Emma's hand, "why did you and Craig break up?"

_"I'm learning that the further that I crawl,   
The farther that I fall, is that ok? No."_

The phone rings. Again. Need I remind you that this is the SECOND TIME before dawn? And that I am a man who absolutely needs sleep. So, that's not a good equation. Not good at all.

"Hello?" I say a bit meaner than is probably necessary. But, hell, it's 4:30 in the fucking morning. Why must we wake Sean up? He's so tired.

"I'm sorry it's late, and I'm sorry that I'm waking you up, but I thought you might want to know that Emma lost the baby."

"Ashley?" I say out loud, even though I don't mean to.

"Yea, it's me."

"What happened?"

"She just, lost it I guess. She came in last night, and the baby was already dead."

"Ash?"

"Yea?"

"Are you okay?"

"I'm not the one lying in a hospital bed with pains more than anyone can imagine, mourning the loss of my unborn baby girl. I'm pretty good, comparatively."

"I don't mean that. I mean you. I wasn't exactly the best boyfriend on the planet. But, I don't want to be screwy now. Are you and JT..."

"We're fine. Sean, I'm fine. I just called to tell you about Emma. I thought you might want to hear from me before you found out from Paige or someone tomorrow."

"We broke up."

"Who?"

"Paige and me."

"Oh. Okay?"

Wow, Cameron. Irrelevant much? "Thanks, Ash. I'll come down later. Take care of yourself, and you know, give them a hug for me or something."

"I'll do that. Talk to you later."

"Peace." I set the phone back on the dresser, staring at the ceiling. I lay like this until my alarm goes off, signalling exactly an hour before opening shift. I rub my hands through my hair and head to the hospital.

I walk into a half empty waiting room. Ashley's head is resting peacefully in JT's lap as he flips through a dated magazine. Manny, Spinner, and Snake talk in hushed tones on a neighboring couch. Toby's sitting by himself in a chair, sipping tentatively on a steaming plastic cup of coffee. I give him a nod, and he comes to greet me.

"She's in room 118. No one actually thought you were going to come, least of all Ash. She wanted me to wake her if you came."

"Don't," I say cutting him off. "It's better if we don't make a big deal out of it."

He finally meets my eyes and says, "You really hurt her."

"Which one?" I grin stupidly and walk past him, off to find room 118.

I start to read the numbers on the door, so I don't notice Spike walking out one of them and straight into me. "I'm sorry," I say over and over, grabbing her arm to help support her.

"It's no problem, Sean," she says smiling a bit.

"Are you okay?" I ask.

"I didn't even fall! Please stop-"

I cut her off. "I mean, about everything. I mean with Em."

I don't even realize I used a nickname until her face goes sympathetic for a second. "It's not what she wanted." She pats my shoulder and walks away, leaving me more confused than ever. She didn't want to be pregnant? She didn't want to lose it? What? Spike is... so confusing.

I take my first few steps into the hospital room with my back to Emma, staring at Spike's retreating figure. When I finally do see Emma, alone and asleep, I let out a very audible noise somewhere between a gasp and a sigh. "Emma," I barely manage as I trace my fingers over her knuckles.

Her eyes flutter open at the mention of her name. She smiles and looks me up and down, so I take a seat on the edge of her bed. "Ash said you weren't coming."

"I couldn't not come, Em. When someone touches your heart, they stay there forever." I stare at her for a few seconds, her eyes seeming to come alive while staring at mine. "I'm sorry. I've been so emotional and shit ever since Ellie. You don't want to hear me blubbering, not after this."

"It's the most honest thing I've heard all day."

She starts to fall asleep in the silence that follows, so I start to tell a story in a hushed tone. After ten minutes, her breathing becomes regular, and I get up to leave. I rub her arm gently. "I never thought you'd be the one falling asleep on me, Emma Nelson."

_"And you're in pieces,   
As your world becomes a rainstorm.   
You've got no shelter I'm a thousand miles away;   
You'll survive the day."_

"My plane leaves in five hours," he says as easily as if he was simply telling me that it's supposed to rain tomorrow.

"So that's it?" I pull my legs up to my knees to protect them from the harsh sunlight penetrating the concrete outside of my house. "The end of all of your friendships, Emma... me?"

"I need to get away, Ash. There are some things I want to take with me, and I would if I could. But I can't. I know that I'll see you again sometime. If you're ever in New York, look me up."

"I just, I don't know, I can't accept that this is the end. You're leaving now, and by August, it'll be like, Paige, Spinner, Jimmy, Hazel, and me at this big school, with no one else. Craig, we were more than a class; we were a family. I felt like you were part of my family. I felt like there was something bigger keeping us together. If you just walk out of here without looking back at the people you're hurting, I'll feel like I don't know anything anymore. No, either way, I don't know anything anymore."

"Ash, don't be so down on it. These kinds of things happen after college. This is the reason that high school reunions were invented."

"God, I know. I don't know why I'm being such a bitch. I know this is what you need," I say wiping a few tears out of my eyes before they have a chance to spill over.

"Don't cry," Craig says, patting my arm reassuringly. "There's so many more important things you could be crying about, that you will cry about some day a long time from now. I am so unimportant, don't even think twice about me."

"You know I just can't turn my worrying off, Craig."

"That's why I love you." I flinch at the words, but he doesn't even realize what he's said. "I have to go now."

"And I have to let you go now," I say standing up after him.

He gives me a hug, and it takes all my effort not to cry into his shoulder. After we're done, he holds me at arm's length. "Are you going to be okay to give this to Emma, or should I ask Angie?" He gives me a perfectly neat business envelope.

"I can do it," I say sniffing back the other tears.

"Good," he says patting my shoulder. "Goodbye Ash."

"But not forever." He nods. "Goodbye Craig." He walks down my path, and I sit right where he had been only seconds before. He gets in his car and drives off, waving to me as if that can make up for the fact that he's deserted me, us, this town forever.

_"You say you're leaving.   
You say you're leaving."_

"Are you sure you want to be alone tonight, though? I'm sure my mom wouldn't mind if you slept over tonight. Not after everything you've been through today..." I say as I comb my fingers through her long hair.

"Not tonight, babe. I've not slept in 40 hours; I actually need it now. But we don't have to leave yet." She curls up closer to me on the couch, and I kiss the top of her head.

She starts to trace circles on my leg. "I want to spend the rest of my life with you."

I gulp my Mountain Dew down loudly, trying hard not to choke. Um, excuse me? "Manny, don't you think it's a bit early..."

"Spin, I'm not proposing or anything. I just never want to be alone. Today was so scary, but now I know that I love you, through and through. You're it for me, Spinner."

"I love you too, Manny. But you can't make decisions about your whole life just because you don't want to be lonely."

"I know, but sometimes it feels like you're not in it for the long haul. And I think I've decided that I kind of need you to be. Maybe I'm just naive, but I thought that was what love is."

You don't know what love is, you stupid girl. I hate you. I can't even look at you when I'm done fucking you. And then, all of the sudden, this shit happens with your ex-best friend, and I finally see you as a real person, and it sucks. Because I finally have to deal with real feelings for you, and you're an actual person. And I suddenly care if I hurt you. I can't just walk away from you anymore. Goddamnit. "I love you Manny. I'm not going to leave you," I finally say. She looks up at me and pecks me on the lips.

"Thanks. You don't know how much you just made my day."

I rub her hand gently for a few more minutes. "Come on, we better get you into bed."

I wait for a few seconds, but with no answer. I lean down and see her eyes shut. I smile and pick her up. She's so light in my arms that I don't even mind carrying her across the parking lot. What else can I say? I love her.

_"Well, I'm willing to break myself,   
To shake this hell from everything I touch.   
I'm willing to bleed for days more reds and grays,   
So you don't hurt so much.   
So you don't hurt so much."_

I roll over onto my side, the pain in my stomach almost too much to bear. Although, I don't know exactly what I would do if I couldn't bear it. Just, die? I wouldn't just die from pain and heartache. Although I could, possibly. It's just not me. I buzz the nurse's button to get some more drugs so that my steady parade of visitors will seem a little less daunting.

Ash comes in shortly after Cyndi dopes me up. She sits in the chair, which is a nice change from everyone sitting on my bed. "Hey Em," she says pulling the chair closer to my bed. "Feeling any different?"

"Yea," I asnwer. "A little better." It's what I'm supposed to say, because everyone's tired of hearing me complain. Most 18 year old expectant mothers only wish to be so lucky, Emma Nelson.

"I really don't have much time, but I wanted to make sure you were okay. Do you need anything?" Sweet, Ash, you're so sickeningly sweet. It drives me insane. Just yell at me, insult me, spit on me, anything to remind me that there's a dirty, disgusting world outside of these whitewashed walls.

"Nope," I say. "I'm pretty good, actually."

"Well that's good. I should be going then, but I wanted to give you something first."

"Okay?"

"Craig left this for you. He's gone, Em," she slides the envelope across my bed as if it's contaminating her for it to simply be in her presence. "He's already on the plane."

I smile dryly. "He really did it? Okay."

"Are you okay? Do you want to talk about it?" All I have been doing for 24 fucking hours is talking. I want to be alone. What is so hard about that?

"I think I'll be fine."

She stares at me for a few moments as I scan the room with my eyes, careful not to meet her gaze again. She pats the bed and stands up. "I'll leave you to your letter then."

"Thanks." Dry. Do I even have any emotions left?

As soon as she's gone, I tear into the letter like a ravaged beast.

Dear Em-

I'm sorry about everything. I guess you know now that I'm gone, and I probably won't be back for awhile. I hope it's really what you want, because if it isn't, I'll be back in a heartbeat. But that's not the point of this letter. I want to tell you that I am okay with what you decided, and I'm truly sorry about what happened. You didn't deserve it. I'm sure we'll see each other again one day because of our families, and I know I'll always look forward to that day.

I'm sorry this letter was so short, but if I started to get emotional, it would never end. I hope it gives you some sense of comfort.

Love Always,   
Craig

I fold the letter up and put it back in the envelope without so much as a tear shed. It's what I decided, and he's gone. He's actually, really gone.

_"Never again will I fire this gun.   
No never again you're the only one.   
No never again, but you're already gone."_

My leg can't stop shaking, and I put all the pressure I can muster onto it to stop it. I look over at the man next to me sympathetically. It really does suck that he has to sit next to me. I wouldn't want to sit next to me, that's for damn sure.

"Nervous?" he asks. "I used to be scared of planes myself."

I nod in agreement. Nervous about a plane ride, fucked over by the girl you loved more than anything, yea, same thing. "I'm sorry, I can't really help it."

"It's no problem. I'm Mike, by the way."

I reach my hand over the hand rest to meet his in a business-like handshake. "Craig," I say.

"Nice to meet you, Craig. So what's in New York?"

My life, hopefully. "School. Yourself?"

"Ahh, I remember when I left for college. Scary times, no wonder you're nervous." For the last time, jackass, I'm not fucking nervous. "I'm from New York, I was up here on business."

"What do you do?" I ask, feigning the interest that all airplane passengers must do.

"Nosy, aren't we?" Or, maybe I'm totally alone in the feigning interest sector. "Just kidding with ya. I'm in public relations. It's my job to be nosy, literally." He laughs at his own joke, and I chuckle lightly to appease him. He's a rather big fellow. "Anything else in New York? Family? Friends? A girl?"

It's a long ride, and I'm not going to be listening to public relations stories the whole way, so I decide to tell my story. "I actually left a girl in Toronto. The best girl in the damn place. She's so beautiful, and... and she's the kind of girl that cries when you leave her. My first love if you can believe it."

"I remember my first love. Well, I better," he says holding up his left hand, "I married her! What's your girl's name?"

My leg finally stops shaking on it's own, and I look upwards, grateful. "Ashley. Her name is Ashley."

_"I'm willing to break myself;   
I'm not afraid.   
I'm willing to break myself;   
I'm not afraid."_

"Hey Ash," I say getting into the passenger's seat. I quickly peck her lips. "How are you?"

"Alright, considering the fact that Craig just left, and I had to deliver his note to Emma. Okay, maybe not so great."

I reach out and grab her hand. "Hopefully, the movie will make you feel a little better."

She smiles at me. "Hopefully. I haven't thanked you for being so incredibly awesome all of yesterday. I really love you."

"I really love you more."

"I really love you most!"

We come to a stop in front of a red light. I lean across the seat and get inches from her face. "It isn't possible," I mumble before kissing her and running my hands through her hair.

A honk brings us back into the real world. Ash laughs. "I wonder how long ago it turned green. So, I'm going to leave on Friday morning and we'll be back Sunday night."

"Wait, what? Where are you going?"

"I haven't told you? My mom just sprung it on me like two days ago. We're going to Quebec for her wedding. Yea, like that one will work out. She'll be fucking the milkman by Monday."

"Well have fun." I want to spend time with Ash, too, ya know. She is my girlfriend.

She leans over and kisses me as if she's reading my mind. "You have me all day today, though. So do what you must to me!" she says dramatically, giggling at herself.

"Won't be a problem." I take her hand again and squeeze it. What god was smiling down on me the day Ashley Kerwin kissed me?

_"Well, I'm willing to break myself,   
To shake this hell from everything I touch.   
I'm willing to bleed for days more reds and grays,   
So you don't hurt so much."_


	8. Bright Lights

**I Need You So Much Closer**

**Chapter 8: Bright Lights**

I take a long swig of my beer as Sadie or Haley or whoever this chick is starts talking about why she left Kansas or Nebraska or some bread basket state and came to the 'Big Apple.' "So, then my boyfriend said he couldn't be with anymore, and I was heartbroken. But since I had been here once and just mystified by Cats and all the musicals, I decided I would come try my hand at it. What's your story?"

I look her up and down again. She definitely doesn't have the body to be a dancer. I hope someone tells her before she wastes her life, but it sure as hell won't be me. Not when she's the only thing I want right now. "Long story," I say.

She seems to look me up and down again, and she's quite pleased with what she sees. Even though my skin has turned an awful pasty color and there's bags under my eyes from not sleeping in days, she's still pleased. Wow, she must have horribly low expectations. "I've got time," she says placing her now empty beer bottle back on the counter.

I grab her arm and lead her away from the bar. She's probably mid-twenties, one of those drifters who longs for a family to call her own. My own story about how I was on my way to marriage will get her out of her clothes a lot faster. "Your place or mine?" I ask as I hail a taxi.

"My roommate, she doesn't like it when I have people over."

I arch an eyebrow over my shoulder as cab rounds the corner to the bar. "You do it a lot, then?" I ask incredulously. Slut.

She immediately attempts to cover her tracks. "Not a lot, I just got out of a long term relationship, and he stayed over quite often." Right. Slut.

"I'm not totally moved in, but I have a bed and some wine. Is that enough?"

She gives me a seductive smile, and it makes my stomach turn. "For tonight."

I scratch my head with the hand that I had been hailing a taxi with. It pulls next to us and stops. I open the door and slide over, not caring if it wasn't a gentlemanly act or whatever. It's late, after two, the third night in a row I've been out, and this is still the best I can come up with. I see her fiddling with her hair and shaking a little. Maybe a nervous habit? "Sadie, is there something wrong?"

She looks over, a bit shocked but with a gentle smile. I guess that was the first thing that attracted me to her, her smile. It's not radiant or extravagant, but it gives me a warming feeling that I haven't had in New York yet. "My hair's falling out," she says holding out a palm full of bobby pins. I nod sympathetically, but I really couldn't care less. I'd fuck her in the cab if I wasn't scared of getting even more diseases than this old slut will be sure to pass on to me.

She rests her head on my lap, and I don't move it. I'm too tired, and maybe she'll get used to the view down there. "So, I believe you owe me a story."

"I'm not a very good narrator."

"You're the best narrator of your life. No one will ever come close."

"Wise words. Anyways, I was engaged. I was supposed to move here anyway for school in the fall, but the broken engagement just, I decided to come a bit sooner. There's nothing left at home." Lie.

"A broken engagement? At your age? What happened?"

Way to sound about fifty years older than me, grams. I spot my apartment, and I'm really not in the mood for answering that last question. "Here, driver!" I yell a bit louder than necessary so that my free whore jumps a little in my lap.

We get out of the cab, and I grab my wallet to pay. I give him little more than what I owe, and he gives me a knowing smile. Jealous, almost. He has nothing to be jealous of. I'm jealous of him, jealous that he's not in my shoes and not about to fuck the third random girl this week. Jealous that regret doesn't plague every second of his existence, although it very well might. "Thanks," he says with a toothless smile. Jealous.

I tap the bottom of the window and watch him drive off. "Craig," she calls from behind me. "Craig, it's cold, are we going in?"

"_She got out of town,  
On a railway, New York bound.  
Took all except my name,  
Another alien out on Broadway."_

I sit and stare at them both, at random points hiding my face because another attack of emotion hits and I have to let the tears out or I'll burst. They look at each other with guilty expressions then back at me with sympathetic eyes. I don't want to ask why, because I don't really care. And I don't want to know for how long, because they'll only lie. I want to know how. I want to know how I was so blind to it. My own brother and my boyfriend. Fucking! The assholes!

"I never wanted you to find out like this," Sean says.

"You never wanted me to find out at all," I retort quickly. "What else are you going to say? It didn't mean anything? How many fucking times do you think you can lie to me and get away with it?"

"We never meant to lie to you, Paige," my older, wonderful brother starts. "We didn't set into this with anything in mind. I love you, Paige."

My hurt and anger boil up, and I can feel it rising with the sickness in my stomach. I can't stand to look at them, either of them. My own flesh and blood, sitting before me looking guilty but not remorseful. And this boy who I had trusted enough to love. The nagging thought that I wasn't woman enough for Sean, that he had to resort to a fag for sex, that thought pushes me over. "Get out of my house," I say through clenched teeth. "Both of you, get out now."

Sean looks ready to obey, but Dylan's not. "Paige, you can't do this. I need to stay and talk this over with you. It'll all be okay, I promise."

"Are you fucking high?" I say standing up and pointing to the door. "How is any of this going to be okay? You're holding in your left hand a condom you were just using to fuck my, my Sean, and your pants are still around your ankles! Please, oh divine Dylan, how any of this will be fucking okay!"

"I guess, right now, it seems as though we won't be able to work through it, but come on Paige, we're Michachuks. That means something."

"That meant something. Before you fucked my boyfriend. Get out."

Dylan tries to make one last attempt, but Sean places a hand on his arm to stop him. Dylan looks longingly at me once before leaving my house. For fucking good, I can only hope.

"_Some things in this world you just can't change.  
Some things you can't see until it gets too late."_

I hate it when the tears are there. I hate it when I can feel them building behind my eyelids every time I blink, but they're not at a time when I feel I can cry. I can always cry, I'm always alone or talking about the baby, but I don't want to be this broken. I've lost a piece of my body, but it's Craig leaving that really has me upset.

I sit cross-legged on my bed as JT urges me to vent about my feelings. He sees through me; he's knows I'm hurting so much more than I'll ever let on. He knows I love my child more than anything, and it's death has been the death of me. But he knows more what Craig wasn't sure of, he knows that I need Craig. That without him, I feel so incomplete. I feel alone when I need someone most of all.

"I didn't know I'd miss him this much. The last few months we were together, I felt as if I just needed out, and he wouldn't let me run. So, now I'll maybe never see him again. And it plagues me constantly that I made this wretched mistake that I'll never be able to take back. Regret. That's what I have too much of. I should stop, but I can't. I'm stuck down here, constantly being told that I should be so depressed that I can't move. I need someone to tell me to cheer up, that I'm acting crazy. I'm acting mental. JT, help, help me, I've never needed it so much in my life."

He grabs me to keep me from shaking. "It's ok, Em. See, you're okay." He holds me tight next to his chest. No, I'm not okay. I'm shaking. I'm alone. I'm breaking down. "We'll go out tonight. We'll go shopping or to a movie or whatever. Ashley's in Quebec, and you know I don't have friends anymore. Totally your call. As long as you let me treat you to ice cream by the end of the night. Fair trade?"

"You're not just doing this because I practically demanded that someone should only a few seconds ago, are you?"

He shrugs. "Am I that transparent? Nah, Em, I miss the good 'ole days. I miss grade 7, hanging out with you, and Toby..."

"And Manny," I finish.

"Yea, and Manny. Back when we all kind of sucked at life."

"Like that one time Kate and Jeff caught you guys searching for porn?" He blushes and smiles. I laugh hysterically at this, laughing for the first time in days.

"I guess the embarrassment never stops. It's good to see you laugh, Em."

"It's good to be laughing again. So, are you going to call Toby and Manny, or am I?"

He nods at me. "You get changed. I'll make all the phone calls. I guess I'm buying for four?"

I laugh at him. Always worrying first and foremost about money. "I guess you are, JT."

He starts up the steps to get out of my basement room. "Best twenty bucks I'll ever spend."

"_Baby, baby, baby,  
When all your love is gone,  
Who will save me,  
From all I'm up against out in this world?"_

I fold my legs under me as I take a seat on a bench outside of "the cute little Italian restaurant" as Sally calls it. The rehearsal dinner rages inside, and I make a silent vow to never put any of my relatives through the hullabaloo of a huge wedding like that. I pull my cell and a pack of cigarettes out of my purse and set them on the bench. I analyze them both for a few seconds, which should I do first?

I grab a cigarette from the pack and search for my lighter desperately. JT will still be there when I call. I light it up and lean my head against the back of the bench, so thankful that Toby gave up his little 'get-Ash-to-stop-smoking' campaign about the same hour it started.

My thoughts are interrupted by a very rude young man taking a seat next to me on my private bench. "Aren't you a little young to have such a dirty habit?" he asks.

"I'm legal, check my license." His eyebrows seem to raise when I mention my legality, and that's just gross. The old Ash would probably already be naked by now, but come on. What a horrible place to pick up a chick. "Not like that, you pervert."

"So, you're legal to smoke, but you're not legal for other things, is that what you're saying?"

I toss my used cigarette into the ashtray-topped garbage can placed next to me and look him over. He's around 23, 25 tops, with dirty blonde hair and an awful sneer that seems permanently attached. He has pretty eyes though, I'll give him that much. A nice greenish-blue color that really does fit his face. "I'm saying no."

He shrugs. "I wasn't propositioning you."

I pick up my cell phone and punch in JT's number. "If you'll excuse me," I say standing up and grabbing my purse.

"Wait," he says. "I'm such a dick. I would totally walk away and go call my boyfriend too, if I were you, but just don't." He points behind the bench and into the restaurant. "There's about 800 reasons why I don't want to go in there, and no excuses left for me not to. Please, just, if you can stay and bitch at me a little longer, then I won't feel so bad about ditching the, one of my main obligations, I'll just say that."

"You don't need an excuse, and you don't need me to be one. I'm sure you have a house or an apartment and a sleazy girlfriend that you can go home to. Just, leave."

He stretches his arms out on the top of my bench. "Ah, the logic of a bright-eyed eighteen-year-old. Actually, no. On all accounts. I've been having a ton of girl troubles, and I'm currently homeless. I roomed with a buddy of mine from college, but now he's getting married, and she's moving in. Which means..."

"You're moving out?"

"Ding ding ding. Now, I'm the best man at said wedding, and well, usually they like the best man to be at the rehearsal dinner."

"Formalities," I say shrugging.

"What's your sob story?"

I sit back on my bench, and he doesn't move. This leads to a bit of uncomfortableness on my part as his left arm is currently around me. "Just a stupid kid from Toronto who got dragged into town for a family wedding."

He nods. "It must be a popular weekend to get married."

"Must be."

"I'm Preston, by the way. And you are..."

"Ashley."

"That's a good name."

"My mom thought so."

"So, Ashley, what's in Toronto?"

"Drama, but also some of the best people on this goddamned planet. Well, at least they started out in Toronto."

He only feigns interest, but I don't care. "Where did they go? Tell me, where's there a better place than Toronto?"

"New York, New York."

"Ah, I've been there. I think it's a touch overrated."

I shrug. "I couldn't say."

"Well, what about here? Nothing can beat the nightlife."

"I couldn't say, once again. This is about as out as I've gotten in Quebec."

"You're kidding, right?"

"No," I say laughing.

He grabs my hand and pulls me off the bench. He starts walking quickly in the direction he had come, motioning for me to follow. I look back into the restaurant, but I'm too high off of this guy's energy to care. As soon as I catch up, he turns around and starts walking backwards. "Ladies and gentlemen, my name is Preston Scott, and I'll be your tour guide for the rest of the evening."

"_Maybe, maybe, maybe,  
You'll find something that's enough to keep you,  
But if the bright lights don't receive you,  
You should turn yourself around and come on home."_

"So how are you and Spinner?" I persist.

Manny giggles like a schoolgirl. She always loves talking about Spinner. It's her favorite topic of discussion, other than herself. "It's this storybook romance that I've always wished for. Spinner is so-" She's luckily interrupted by the arrival of JT and Toby with two huge sundaes.

"I thought you were getting some for us," I joke.

"Funny," JT answers as he puts one of the two between Manny and I. He hands us spoons, and we immediately start to dig in.

"So what about Craig?" Manny asks, picking up the conversation exactly where it was before she took two huge bites of vanilla ice cream.

"What about him?" I shoot back. "He's in New York, and I'm not." I hold up my left hand to show a bare ring finger.

She looks disappointed. "I know you love him, Em."

We share a serious, grave look. I love him so fucking much, can't anyone see that? He needs to see that, in New York or wherever the hell he is right now. He needs to come back. JT, noticing the look and looking to save the hurt feelings, hurriedly interjects. "Toby, how did you get out of the wedding?"

"I slept with the bride."

My eyes go wide and Manny dribbles out some ice cream she's laughing so hard. JT pats his friend on the back with a "way to go!" I help Manny clean the ice cream off her chin, noticing that JT isn't noticing her. I kind of wanted this to be a cutesy little date for them, since I don't think either of their relationships will last past orientation. "No, Toby, seriously, could Ash have gotten out of it?"

He shrugs. "Probably not. I didn't have to go because they honestly had nowhere to put me. Ash got a room to herself, but I wasn't about to stay with her."

"She did?" JT immediately asks. Jealous boyfriend. He quickly changes his scowl into a joking grin to cover. "I mean, you should've stayed with her. You two have slept in the same bed together before."

Toby tenses slightly, and I give him a weird look. "Yea, when we were like, 13. She's 18 now. It would just be weird. And anyways, I didn't want to go. Weddings are, I don't know, not fun."

Weddings. The topic is weddings. Who will be the first to change it to avoid wrecking Emma's incredibly low self-esteem? "So that movie sucked, eh guys?" And we have a winner, JT Yorke.

"Horrible. Who did they think they were scaring with those special effects?" And Manny are finally on the same team.

"Me," I say shyly raising my hand. "I was totally freaked." They all start to laugh. "You too, Toby?" I ask. He nods. "Okay, I know I was the only loser clinging to JT for dear life in there, but-"

"Oh and she did," JT interrupts. "Look at my arms. It's worse than that time I got a cat for Christmas, and it was gone by New Year's." He checks his watch. "I better get Emma home, guys."

Manny and Toby check their respective watches. "Oh wow," Manny says. "I didn't even realize it was so late."

"Time flies when you're with your best friends," I say.

We all share shy glances, to make sure we all feel the same about this. It's pretty obvious that we do. "Same time next week, guys?" Manny asks tentatively.

"I wouldn't miss it for the world," JT says. Toby mumbles in the affirmative. I nod enthusiastically. "I'm gonna be out of money pretty soon," he jokes.

"Whatever happened to 'best twenty bucks I'll ever spend?'" I ask.

He stands up and puts his coat on. "I'd do it again in a heartbeat."

"_I got a hole in me now.  
I got a scar I can talk about.  
She keeps a picture of me,  
In her apartment in the city."_

"Hazel, understand this one. Because I don't. I caught them fucking on Dylan's bed. First of all, I was kind of hoping I could go the entirety of my life without seeing gay sex once. But other than that, with my boyfriend? Why in the hell would Dylan do that?"

Hazel coughs uncomfortably on the other end of the phone line. Well, who else am I supposed to vent to? "I don't know, Paige. That's all very strange. I've never had to deal with anything like that before."

I lay my head back on the bed. "Of course you haven't. Only I have to deal with crazy shit like this. What do I do? I can't talk to either of them again, you know. I might vomit on them."

"Maybe you've jumped off the deep end, Paige. Should I take you to seek professional medical help?"

I laugh, although she doesn't say it quite jokingly. Almost, serious-like. Okay, I'm done venting to Hazel. "Um, Haze, my mom's standing at my door flailing her arms wildly. I better get off the phone. Two hours is my new limit, apparently."

"Apparently. Tell her I said hi. I'll drop by tomorrow, okay? I'm going out with Jimmy tonight, or else I'd take you out for retail therapy."

"No, don't worry about it. None of the stores are open anymore, it's already 9:00. Have fun tonight, give Jimmy a kiss for me."

"Will do," she says so cheerful I could stab her through the phone line. "Bye-bye Paige. Love!"

"Love Haze."

We hang up, and I sit and stare at my phone for another five minutes. Finally, I get the balls to call Ash. Even if she doesn't know what to do, at least she'll care. Maybe. "Paige!" she screams into the phone. The background is nosier than anything I know I've ever attended, and that's saying something.

"Ashley, where the hell are you?"

"Paige, hold on, let me get somewhere quieter! Just give me a sec." I hear a lot of ruffling and Ashley's voice a few times, saying incomprehensible things. I roll over on my bed, bored stiff. After about two minutes, she comes back, and it's much quieter. "Sorry, I'm back."

"Wow, crazy party, eh? Where are you?"

"Quebec. I'm totally ditching the rehearsal dinner with some guy I just met. How great is that?"

"Great? What about JT? Ash, are you drunk?"

"Paige, not like that! He's just totally fun, and he knows everyone here. And I'm not drunk, okay, I just had a couple of drinks. Like five or six beers. And a few shots. But I'm a bigger drinker than that!"

I laugh at drunk Ashley. Drunk Ashley is fun! More fun than stoned Ashley, that's for sure. "Ash, guess what just happened."

"What's that, Paige?"

"I walked in on Sean having sex with Dylan!"

She gasps wildly. "What! No!"

"Yes!"

"No! Fucking? No!"

"Yes, Ash, I did."

"I believe you, silly Paige, that's just so dumb what he did! He's dumb dumb dumb."

"Which one?"

"Sean. Dylan, too! They had sex? Like, gay sex?"

"Yes, Ash, gay sex."

"Whoa. No. Whoa."

"I couldn't believe it either."

"Paige don't worry, I'll come home and, and I'll punch him in the testicle nuts."

I laugh. Yes, drunk Ashley, must bring her out more often. "Okay, well, I'll let you get back to your oh-so-fun drinking parties."

"Awe Paige, no, I don't want to leave you home alone! Do you want me to call JT and have him come over? Or I'll call Sean. Yea, I'll call Sean and yell at him."

I yawn. "Ash, it's getting late, I'll just go to sleep. You can save yelling at Sean until you're in town."

"It's not late, Paige! You can come up here and party with us!"

"Maybe another time, Ash. Have fun!"

"Awe poo. That is no fun at all. I'll do a shot for you Paige, okay?"

"Okay Ash."

"Good night Paige-cycle!"

"Night Ash."

I hang up. Well, that certainly cheered me up if it didn't do anything else.

"_Some things in this world, man, they don't make sense.  
Some things you don't need until they leave you...  
They're the things that you miss."_

I'm so tired that I almost pass out on his lawn waiting for him. I lean against the brick in the wall and let my eyes close slowly, slowly... Then I feel someone shaking my shoulder. My eyes shoot open. "I'm awake; I'm awake," I whisper.

"I don't think so baby," Spinner whispers into the hair right above my ear. He places his hands underneath me and lifts me up. "Let's get you to bed."

I'm too tired to protest that I'm actually not tired at all, which proves his point entirely. I simply lay my head against his chest as he quietly sneaks me into his bed. "I just wanted to sleep against a warm body tonight. I hope you don't mind."

He kisses my forehead. "You're amazing, Manny."

I smile a toothy smile at him. "I know."

He climbs under the covers next to me. "So, what did you do all night instead of coming here and watching a movie and keeping me company?"

"I went out with Emma, JT, and Toby. We saw a movie and got some ice cream. JT bought Emma and I this huge sundae. Oh my gosh, Spin, it was so good."

"I could've made you a sundae," he says childlike.

"Yes, but it wasn't only the sundae. It was the company. Spinner, I love you, but they're my best friends. Don't take too much offense, but Emma hasn't spoken to me in so long, and I miss her. I'm going to hang out with her every chance I get now. But you're still the only boy I love with my whole entire heart."

"I love you, too. I guess I'm going to have to be putting up with Marco and Jimmy a lot more, eh?"

"Oh, like that's such a punishment. They're totally great guys."

"But I'm not gay, Manny. I love you."

"I love you, too. But all I want to do right now is watch the inside of my eyelids. Can we stop talking and just go to sleep?"

"Sure. Good night, Manny. I love you."

"Night Spin. I love you, too."

He leans over me to flip off the light. He leans down and lightly presses his lips against mine before snuggling up next to me for the night. Love.

"_Baby, baby, baby,  
When all your love is gone,  
Who will save me,  
From all I'm up against out in this world?"_

I knock on the door three, four times in a row. Open the fuck up, bitch. It's late, and I have many a places to be. Jay Hobart is not one to stand on any chick's front porch holding a box full of what looks to be teddy bears and apology notes for any amount of time. But as much as I truly don't want to be here, I know that I really have no fucking choice. I need to talk about this 'Sean-goes-bi' thing as much as anyone. I've slept in the same fucking car with him. I think I get a chance at being pissed off about it.

She finally swings open the door exasperated. Before looking up, she immediately starts bitching about how late it is or some shit like that. She does get the sense to look up soon into her little rant, though, and her mouth gapes open. "Jay, um, hey, what are you doing on my front porch?" she cocks her head a little to the side and I can't help but find her really... cute? The kind of cute you rip from the mother's arms and forcefully take away innocence from. That kind of cute. Adorable. Like a kitten.

"Sean told me. And then made me bring this shit to you because he still cares for you, or something or other. Anyways, don't shoot the messenger please."

She laughs, but I was serious. She has this awful gleam in her eye like she just wants to savagely rip someone's head off. And I hope it's not mine. "I won't hun," she says rubbing my arm. She carefully lifts the box out of my hands and sifts through it. In an uncharacteristic movement, she flings the entire box into the bushes right beyond her porch. I turn and stare at it before slowly moving my gaze back to her in amazement.

"What the hell was that?" I ask.

"What he deserves. Maybe his little fag friend will come clean it up for me. Wouldn't that be swell?" I can't tell if she's joking or serious, so I just stare at her some more. "He's my brother; I'm allowed to say shit like that."

"I had no idea you were so violent. It's kind of hot, you know. You should totally revamp your image. Paige Michalchuk, total dominating psycho bitch. Do you like it?"

She contemplates it. "Sure, it'll do. But I mean, come on? What was I supposed to do? Have you ever walked in on Alex and your sister?"

"Well, one, I don't have a sister. And two, Alex could very well be into fucking chicks these days, I haven't seen her in three months. And third, um, it would be kind of hot."

"Your sister?"

"See, I don't have one. So I can make one up in my head, and that one is fucking hot. And so, yes, that would be really hot to see my made up sister and my girlfriend, although it wouldn't be Alex, in bed together."

"You're making my head hurt."

"Good."

"Hey, if you're just going to be standing on my porch shamelessly flirting with me, would you rather go inside and have the TV do it for you? The flirting, I mean."

"Actually, I better be going. Although it was tremendously fun shamelessly flirting with you, and I can see why Sean did it so often. And I can't see why he would rather shamelessly flirt-"

"Fuck," she interrupts.

"What?" I'm confused.

"Shamelessly fuck my brother, not shamelessly flirt with him. You were going to misstep in what you said. So I prevented it."

I shake my head at her. "Night Paige."

She leans against her door frame as I walk away. "Night Jay."

"_Maybe, maybe, maybe,  
You'll find something that's enough to keep you,  
But if the bright lights don't receive you,  
You should turn yourself around and come on home."_

Preston grabs my waist and keeps me from falling flat on my face. For, like, the eightieth time tonight. I can't believe I have absolutely no balance left! Maybe, I'll never have any balance left. And I'll wobble around like a penguin until I die. I get up to show Preston my best penguin, but he grabs me and pulls me back into the seat again. I pout like a four year old.

He puts his hand on my arm and rubs it lightly. "Come on Ash, I better get you to your hotel. You're pretty gone."

I yank my arm back. "No! I'm having so much fun."

"Come on Ash," he pleads. "It's getting late, and I'm getting tired."

"Then go home! I don't need you babysitting me. I'm 18 years old and I just met you. Who are you to tell me when to leave and when not to? Do not treat me like a little kid! Thank you."

He smiles sweetly at me. I guess he's used to being told off by drunk, neurotic teenagers. "I don't have a home," he reminds me. "If I don't leave soon, I'm not going to be able to crash at Aaron's."

I'm about to tell him to leave me again, when I'm interrupted by the club owner. There's only about twenty of us left on the second level. "Hey guys, time to head out, it's 2:00 and we're closed."

Load groans are heard from all around me, but Preston simply smiles at me. "Fine, let's go," I concede to his pleased smirk.

We stand awkwardly outside of my hotel room. I reach out to hug him, but end up falling into him. He steadies me with a laugh. "Thanks for letting me hide out from my problems with you. You're amazing company."

I giggle slightly. "Thanks for everything! Tonight was so great. Maybe if I ever come back to Quebec..."

"You'll look me up?" he finishes my thought.

"Of course."

"Good. Well, I have very limited time until Aaron will not answer the door no matter how many times I knock."

I have a small internal battle with myself, but I'm drunk. An idiot could see what was coming next. "Don't do that. I have a room to myself since I'm 18 and won't stay in the same room with my parents anymore. I'm horrible, right? But anyways, you've been so great to me all night, and I have room in my bed. But just so you know, I have a boyfriend. I love him very much, and I've done this to him before. I won't do it again. You can stay here, but only for a place to stay. Deal?"

He looks at me and laughs. "That's awful kind of you, Ash."

I shrug. "What can I say? You kind of rock."

"You kind of rock harder."

I stick my credit card key in the lock and open it. It's going to be a long night.

"_Let that city take you in (come on home)  
Let that city spit you out (come on home)  
Let that city take you down...  
For God's sake, turn around."_

"You could stay here for a lot longer. You could move in." My words linger in the air. What am I thinking? He can't move in. People will talk. They're already talking. Must I make things so much worse?

He looks up and studies me. I stand cooly with my hands shoved into the pockets of my oversized jeans. "I can see in your eyes that you know that's a bad idea. No, I have a dorm room."

"I'm sorry Paige is taking this all out on you."

He looks at me questioningly. "Are you serious? She's more hurt by you, but you weren't even dating anymore. I'm her brother. That's the last thing I should be fucking around with." He comes and plants a sweet kiss on my lips. "But I'm so fucking glad I did."

"I am, but damnit have a lot of people changed since I told them."

"You've only told Jay."

"But that's my point exactly."

"I've never much liked Jay."

"Oh, I can tell. But then again, you never stop talking about him."

He slaps me playfully across the chest. "I just wish homophobic people would lighten up. I'm not hitting on them or anything. I just don't want to be bashed because of who I do hit on."

"You'll never change his mind," I warn.

"I know," he says disappointedly. "I guess I'm still trying to change the world."

"Good luck."

"_Baby, baby, baby,  
When all your love is gone,  
Who will save me,  
From all I'm up against out in this world?"_

I sit at the now empty table, fiddling with my empty glass of rum and coke. I need some more, but I don't feel like getting up yet. I just feel like crawling under this table and shooting myself. One, because I have the biggest fucking hangover this side of Texas. And two, well.... getting drunk just sucks.

I watch Jeff hold Kate close because he's too uncoordinated to twirl her around like he wishes. Yep, that's Toby's dad for you. The happily married bride and groom are dancing with other members of their respective families. And I'm so totally alone, with only Rummy to be my partner.

I decide that now's as good as a time as any to get a refill. I walk out on to the dance floor, as it's the easiest and fastest way from point A(my seat) to point B(the open bar). I accidentally bump into Sally, and she wraps her arms around me in a huge hug.

"Ashley! Oh, you look heavenly."

She's totally more trashed than I was last night! Ha! "So do you, Sally. You look magnificent."

"So where's your horny little brother?"

"He stayed in Toronto, I suppose. He couldn't bear to see you off to another man."

She giggles drunkenly. "I love him so much! He's such a cutie, don't you think?" She doesn't give me a chance to answer, but I doubt she'd care what my answer was anyways. "Did I see you at the service? I can't remember."

"No. I'm so sorry I couldn't make it. I woke up this morning, and I felt so sick! It must've been food poisoning." I woke up this morning with the biggest fucking hangover I've ever had in my life. And to top it off, my lovely tour guide had already left for his own wedding party.

"Don't worry hun, I was 18 once. Go get some wine! Live a little!" I give a little laugh. If she only knew. "Oh, but first, hold on, you have to meet this wonderful man I married. If only I knew where he was!" She goes off to find her hubby, and I stand in the middle of the dance floor, rocking on my heels. What fun.

I see Eric, Sally's new husband, through a group of people, so I make my way over to him, sure that she'd be there shortly and I'd get this whole mingling thing over with. I saunter idly behind him without introducing myself. That will be Sally's job. A friend and member of the wedding party, maybe even the best man himself, comes and claps him on the shoulder.

"Oh man, but it was so sweet. Little 18 year old, barely legal ass. You'll be missing that now, you know."

"God, you never change," Eric answers him. "You're almost 28 years old."

"So? I have the face of a 21 year-old."

"That face is going to kill you."

"Yea, but this chick, Ashley something, Kerwin maybe, it doesn't matter, so fucking amazing in bed. It's like, she's a porn star at 18. If only I had a camera..."

I grab his shoulder and spin him around so fast I give myself a headache. Not like it's that hard since I'm well on my way to being as drunk as I was last night. "What would you do, Preston, if you had a camera?"

In tune with our perfect timing, Sally comes up just as the scene unfolds. "Good, Eric, you've met Ashley. This is Robert's daughter. Eric? Ash? What's up?"

"You're a real class act, you know that Preston Scott? I'm ten years younger than you, and you got me drunk and seduced me, while I was drunk no less, even when I told you that I didn't want to. That's great. You're a great person. I'm sure that buys you a nonstop to heaven."

"Ashley, come on, it was just a little bit of fun. You had fun, didn't you? You don't have to get all upset just because it didn't turn out to be the fairy book love you imagined."

"I didn't even want to hang out with you, but I felt sorry for you. Old and homeless and you probably have no life. Now, I know, you're just a loser. I'm sorry you ever talked to me. Or maybe you stalked me. Either way, that's what I can tell the courts when I sue you for rape."

Whoa now, Ash. Where the hell did that come from? He didn't rape you. He didn't even come close. You were the most consensual partner ever. Just walk away now. Walk away before you cause any more harm. "You stupid bitch! What the hell? It wasn't rape. You invited me in. You jumped on me. I didn't do anything."

I stare at him for a few more minutes before turning on my heel and leaving. Well, that went over well, don't ya think?

"_Maybe, maybe, maybe,  
You'll find something that's enough to keep you,  
But if the bright lights don't receive you...  
Turn yourself around and come on home."_


	9. Best of Deceptions

**I Need You So Much Closer**

**Chapter 9: Best of Deceptions**

"I can finally take you out on a real date. Take you out for once. Aren't you excited?" I say excitedly. I rub my hands over the steering wheel of my new car. It's not much, kind of old, pretty beat up, but it runs. And that's all that really matters.

"I am so excited," Ash says grabbing my hand and squeezing it lightly. I look over at her, and I just smile. I love her so much. How did I ever deserve her? "Where are we going?"

My smile widens. "It's a surprise."

She starts to tickle me. "James Tiberius Yorke, you tell me right now where we're going!"

"You'll love it, I promise." She rolls her eyes and presses her head back against the seat. I rub her knee slightly to be touching her in some way. "Have you seen Emma since you've been back?" I ask.

"No, how is she?"

I shrug. "Maybe you should just go see her every once in awhile. I know she'd appreciate it. I try, but I'm still just a guy. I think she wants to talk about Craig. I think she still loves him, and she's really beating herself up over breaking up with him."

"Poor Em," she says wringing her hands. "It's really hard to have that much regret." We continue to drive in an awkward silence. What, exactly, did she mean by that? "JT, I can't take it anymore, I love you."

"Okay," I say smiling over at her. "I love you too."

"There's something I better tell you."

I look over into her obviously disturbed eyes. "What's that, Ash?" I say as calmly as possible. But the truth is, I know her tone, and her own lack of faith that we won't make it through whatever this is kills me slowly.

"Tell me that you love me."

"So much, Ash. I love you so much that I can't sleep at night. I can't do anything except want to do right by you." She puts her head down, and when she brings it up again, tears are falling freely onto her lap and she's making loud sobbing noises. "Whatever it is, just tell me."

"You don't want to hear this. Trust me. You don't want to hear this."

"But I'm pretty sure I need to hear this. Please just tell me whatever it is."

"Pull over, at least. Give me and this your full attention."

I do as she asks, pulling into a gas station. I rub my hands over the steering wheel in nervous anticipation. "Can you tell me now?" I ask with pleading eyes.

"When I was in Quebec, I did something that I'm so ashamed of. I hurt you so bad, and the only thing I want to do is take it back because I love you so much. I want, no I need, to spend the rest of my life with you. Please, JT, don't get angry. I was drunk; I didn't mean it. He was 28! He practically forced me."

"Ashley, it's very important that you tell me the truth about this. Did he rape you?" All I can think about is Paige. How Paige wouldn't tell me about Dean until I forced it out of her. What if this creep did the same thing to Ash? What would I do?

She shakes her head no with tears in her eyes. "No. I let him. But I was drunk! I was so drunk. I'm sorry, JT. JT, I love you."

The tears form behind my eyes, too. "It's not enough this time. Ash, you need to go."

"Please. Don't do this too me."

"I'm sorry. I can't put myself through this again. You need to leave."

"I didn't mean to. I love you."

"You love the idea of me. I've been putting up for all of this for so long, and I'm tired. There's never been anyone but you, not really. You've always been with everyone. You've always whored yourself for the greater good of others. If not sexually, then emotionally or some other way. You're amazing, but I've been obsessed with nothing but you since as long as I can remember. Obsession's not healthy. Not when I let you walk all over me and hurt me as bad as you do. I sound like some insane fucking emo kid. I need to just stop talking. Goodbye. I'll call you as soon as I can."

"You can't possibly understand." She stares at me as she opens the door and steps out and starts to trudge into the gas station. She turns around with a tear stained face, and my own tears begin to fall. "Goodbye," she lips to me. I nod and start the engine. A feeling deep within my gut nags at me to follow her, to grab her, to hold her, feel her, touch her. But I can't. One more time in my life I have to take charge because I can't be cheated or hurt again.

"_I heard about your trip.  
I heard about your souvenirs.  
I heard about the cool breeze in the cool nights,  
And the cool guys,  
That you spent them with." _

I plop on Spinner's bed and take a sip of the wine cooler he gave to me. "Who have you been talking to all day?" I ask. "Your line has been busy since, like, 4."

"Craig called."

"Oh?" I say, my interest officially peeked. "And how's New York treating him?"

He shrugs and laughs slightly to himself. "I guess he's having fun."

I raise my eyebrows. "You know something."

He fiddles with his drum set. "Know? No, I don't."

"You're an awful liar!"

"He's going through some rough shit, and I'm sure he doesn't want me exposing it to everyone and their mother." He chuckles slightly again, maybe at his ingenuity, maybe not. Who knows; it's Spinner.

"Just tell me before I get pissed and stop hanging out with you."

He mocks me before smiling and relenting. "He's been having a lot of fun. With a lot of people. Most of these people women. He's been having a lot of fun with women, is what I'm saying. And they aren't the clean cut Ashley and Emma- types, either. He's had more one night stands at this point than I have had boners."

My mouth drops and my sympathy for Emma almost overshadows my anger at my name being left out of Spinner's list of who Craig's dated. "Does he care about anyone? That insensitive bastard. I know it's so fucking cliche, but he hasn't changed at all. I can't fucking believe him."

Spinner looks dumbfounded. "The boy's just having fun..." he mumbles.

"Emma still loves him, Spin. She needs him, and he's fucking random women in the States. How do you think she would feel if she found out?"

"She won't, though, so why does it matter?"

"No, Spinner, I need to tell her."

"What? Why? Do you just want to hurt her more? She just lost her baby, does she need to hear something like that?"

"Well, does Craig need to be doing these things so that she has to hear them?"

"Listen, he's fucked up right now. If he finds out that I told you and you told her, he'll never talk to me again. And he'll probably do some dramatic, crazy shit. Don't leave me responsible for that."

I put the bottle on his bedside table. "Thanks for letting me know, hun," I say and kiss his cheek. "I'll probably be at Emma's for the rest of the day. I might stop by again tonight. Is that cool?" I breeze out of his room without waiting for a response. I'm not in the mood for a lecture.

"_I guess she should have heard of them from you,  
I guess she should have heard of them from you."_

I know that something's been off. I've known it since I first stepped foot in New York, but I haven't once been able to put my finger on it. Sure, I did lose a child and a fiancé in one fell swoop. And I did admit to having feelings for my ex-girlfriend who I as good as abandoned, even though she has a boyfriend, and I'm nothing. But there's still something more, if that's physically possible, and I'm on this haunting quest to find out what it is. But I don't know where to start. I don't know how to go about picking up the pieces.

Sex hurts. I mean, it physically hurts me now. It's my only escape, my only joy, but I wish it would just fucking leave me alone. I chase this thing like a lost puppy, but the only thing I crave is a decent night's sleep.

I've met one person. One girl who I see constantly comparing myself to the girls back home. One girl who I practically stalk because I can't bear not being next to her in this icy city. Her name is Kate, and she's so fucking gorgeous. She could be some kind of model if she weren't so self-conscious. That's why I couldn't see her at first. She was alone, crying on a park bench. I could only hear her faintly when I went take pictures of this old couple. It was so cheesy of me, but I need something to take to my first class at NYU.

So I'm snapping away, working hard at an early photography career. And all I can hear is this damn chick crying, and she's hot. I saw her crying, and I knew immediately that I have to do something. Even if no one wants to think I have a heart, I do. I snapped a few pictures of her, unaware, before finally approaching her and asking what's wrong. She bitched at me, screamed, and told me I have no right to come and talk to her. So, instead of walking away like a normal scorned guy, I asked her for a date. She laughed at me, threw her hands up in the air, and relented.

I stalk her. I really do. And it's the saddest thing in the world, because she's my home base. I don't love her, and I'd venture to say that I never will, but I'm with her always. I've known her a month, and I've slept with her numerous times. I don't know why she puts up with me. I'm just a nobody guy with a fucked up past and an angst-ridden present.

Her remarkable hazel eyes quickly fill with tears as I lay down next to her on the bed we've been sharing for longer than I can count. She's been like this for a week now, doing nothing but crying the exact same way she did when I first met her. I thought this was an easy relationship. I thought wrong, like usual. "I can't believe I have it. I can't believe you gave it to me."

I kiss her shoulder again and stroke her back. I can't lose her, but I can't stand her either. There is so much conflict that I'm surprised I can choke out, "I'm sorry." But I do, and she breaks down in sobs against my chest. Her long, blonde hair sprawls wildly on the bed sheets. I draw patterns on her back with my hand for something to do, something to take me away from this pain.

"I may never be able to have children. I might not be able to ever give you children, Craig." Children, right now, are the last thing on my mind. And so is a future with her. But I simply continue to draw my patterns and I keep my mouth shut tightly. "Just think about going to the doctor for a normal visit, maybe mentioning that it hurts when you pee, and having all these tests done to find out you have Chlamydia. How would that make you feel? Oh, right, you're a guy, the most you'll get out of this is a slight infection, if anything. How lucky."

And a bitchy girlfriend, if she's even that. I actually find it quite funny that she has Chlamydia. That means I have it and I gave it to her. It feels good to not be quite so invincible. And it gives me a reason for a monotonous relationship. Like that will ever happen.

"_Don't you see, don't you see,  
That the charade is over?"_

I giggle over the phone at the, ironically, sad story that Jay is somehow capable of turning funny. "So anyways," he says as my laughter dies down, "would you like to come over tonight? I'm having some people, alright a lot of people, over for a party."

"For why?" I ask.

"Oh you know. I don't need a reason for a party. If I have enough money for some beer, that's reason enough to celebrate. Maybe, like, Spinner and his chick will want to come over. That party they threw a while back was fucking hilarious as hell. Manny and that Ashley chick having an all out cat fight. Maybe we should bring some mud in this time."

"Sure, I'll come. And I'm sure Spin and Manny would come, too. But no Ash! That's just a recipe for disaster."

"But a really, really funny disaster," he responds.

I laugh. "Alright, I'll give you that. See you around 8?"

"See you then, Paige."

I hang up my phone and flip myself over on my bed. I end up in a standing position in front of my closet, where I start the clothes search. I silently discard most of my wardrobe from consideration before I even really begin. I pull out a slashed up red and black long shirt that would work fine, if Jay was more like Craig or Spinner. I could dress like Manny, but I'm not that gone. I need to find something simple, so it doesn't look like I'm trying, but with enough street cred that I don't stick out like a sore thumb. I fall back onto my bed and sit on my hands, staring blankly at my closet.

"Were you this nervous before our first date?" I hear a voice come from my open door.

I whip my head to the sound and jump instinctively. I look at whose standing there, and I spit my words like vomit. "You seduced me with popcorn and Sprite. Nervous was the furthest thing from my mind. Anyways, I'm not going on a date tonight. But, why are you here? You need to leave."

"I came to apologize. I hear you're still pretty pissed." Sean ventures more into the room. He fits his whole body in so that he can close the door behind him. "Or actually, I hear that pissed doesn't even begin to cover it."

I nod and scoot back on my bed so I can sit with my legs crossed in front of me. "It doesn't matter, though. Being angry doesn't change anything. So, I'm just going to deal with it."

"Should I tell your brother that?"

"I don't care, Sean. You don't seem to be comprehending the words coming out of my mouth. It doesn't matter to me what you do from this point on. Nothing's going to be the same between Dylan and I, ever, but I'm not going to make a scene every time I see one of you. It's too often, and my voice will go hoarse."

"That's amazingly mature of you," he says, finally close enough so I can look into his eyes.

I shrug. "It's life. I'm dealing."

He digs his hands into his pockets uncomfortably. "Okay, then, I'm going to go."

"Bye," I say readjusting my eyes to the closet.

He leans down to give me what I think is going to be an awkward hug. At the last second, instead, he cuts his mouth down to mine and kisses me. I spit him off. "You can't just do that," I say clearly.

"I'm sorry, I shouldn't have."

"I know. You shouldn't hurt my brother like you hurt me. And you can't just kiss me for no fucking reason." I'm not bitter, but I wrap my arms around my waist because it's suddenly gone cold.

He shakes his head at himself. "I know how stupid I am." And on that note, he turns and walks away. Again.

"_And all the best deceptions,  
And the clever cover story awards,  
Go to you.  
So kiss me hard cause this'll be the last time that I let you."_

My words are slow and jumbled. "He's doing these things, in New York, without me, and he's with these girls?" I finally manage to ask.

Manny grasps my hand in her's and nods. "I'm so sorry, Em."

"It's okay, though, right? I mean, when he comes back, he won't be like this. He'll realize how stupid he's being."

Manny smiles sympathetically, but shakes her head no. "Guys like this Em, sometimes they change and they never come back."

"But we were engaged. I made the mistake. Can't he see that? Can't I make him see that? What would happened if I called him? If I made him come home? I love him, Manny."

She embraces me so that our heads rest on each other's shoulders. "I know you do. And I'm not going to lie and tell you that I know how it feels, or that it's all going to be okay. I don't know that at all. But you know that I'm going to be here, no matter how good or bad of a day you're having."

"Thanks Manny," I say wiping some of my tears on my shirt. "I get so damn emotional sometimes."

She smiles. "We all do, Emma. Especially over guys. Especially the ones thousands of miles away who still have our heart."

"I kind of thought," I offer shyly, "that he'd be like me in New York. Not thinking about anything except each other and the baby. You know, I wouldn't wish it on anyone, but I just thought he'd be as depressed and mopey as me. I guess, you know, I should suck it up and move on like him. He's obviously not thinking of me."

She grips my shoulder comfortingly. "You haven't been depressed and mopey all the time. When you're hanging out with me, Toby, and JT, I don't even notice it."

I roll my eyes. "Thanks for lying to me. For me."

She shrugs. "Sometimes, you need it." I laugh at her. "I mean it, though, you seem so at ease around the three of us. Is it the group together, or just one person? Like, do you have a crush on one of the guys?"

"Manny!" I say feigning shock and embarrassment. "What are we, back in grade 7? Which one do you have a crush on, Em? Huh?"

She giggles and playfully smacks my shoulder. "All I'm saying is that your eyes seem to light up around a certain someone, and I bet if Toby and I weren't there, your eyes would still be shining."

"That's not true!" I protest. "I like us all hanging out together, as a group."

"Uh huh," she says, unconvinced.

"Manny," I say so low my voice is almost in a whisper, "is that what moving on is? Liking someone else?"

She nods, "For some people. Other people it's just, letting that person go. Not thinking about ways to get them back or ways to see them again. You had to do it before, with Sean. Don't you remember?"

I shake my head. "Puppy love. It was different. Craig and I made a child. The most Sean and I ever made was great gossip."

Manny's phone suddenly vibrates on the bed next to us. She picks it up and quickly scans the little screen. "Spin invited me to a party. Let me text him back a 'no.'"

I grab her hand to stop her. "Well, what if we go?" A smile creeps slowly onto her face.

"Are you up for it?"

I nod fervently, almost as if I'm a little child trying to convince someone older that I'm okay enough to go play on the monkey bars. "Definitely."

"_You will be back someday,  
And this awkward kiss that tells of,  
other people's lips,  
Will be of service,  
to giving you away."_

I sit in the abandoned parking lot, staring at the open road and the open fields past it. My heart is beating fast as I consider my options. I could just drive, drive far away from here and this pain. I could find a weak spot on the side of the road, maybe on a bridge somewhere, and end it all. I could drive back into town and pretend nothing's happened, that I'm fine as a daisy. Or I could sit here and stare into the darkness some more, not making the decisions that I never make hastily.

I jump slightly as the ring tone on my phone begins to play the Canadian anthem. I snap it up and place it against my ear. "Yes?" I ask impatiently.

"Hey JT, it's Em," the sweet voice comes into my ears.

"Emma, hey," my own voice responds, changing dramatically. "How are you?"

"I'm doing alright, and yourself?"

"Surviving."

I can hear her smile through the phone lines. "What were you planning on doing tonight?" Even by the words she uses, I can tell I'll be with her tonight. What 'were' you planning? As in, whatever it is, it will be changed now. And I don't object to this at all.

"Actually, nothing. What about you?"

"This may sound stupid, but there's a party tonight, and I want to go. The thing is, Manny and Spinner are going together, so I don't want to act like a total third wheel and all around hag."

I frown, although she can't see it. "Em, you're not a hag-"

She interrupts me before I can finish. "I just wanted to see if you wanted to go, too. So someone can help me make fun of everyone there and how much better we are."

I throw my hands against my steering wheel in silent desperation. What am I supposed to say? Well, sorry best friend who just lost her baby, I can't hang out with you because I wanted to spend all night wallowing in self-pity. "Sure, Em. What time do you want me to pick you up?"

"Pick me up?" she asks.

"Oh, Em, that's right. I got a car."

She shrieks loud enough that I have to put the phone a few inches from my ear. I massage my ear lightly before placing the phone back in position. I only wish Ash had feigned that kind of excitement. "Sorry," Emma says, immediately going on and on about how wonderful it is that someone in 'our group,' other than Toby, has a car finally. She asks about it, but I cut her off.

"You'll just see it tonight, alright?"

She laughs her wonderfully light laugh that I haven't heard in ages. I hear a beep on my phone so I look down to see Ash's number on call waiting. I immediately forward it and get back to my call with Em. "...so I don't know what it's going to be like. I haven't talked to Jay since grade 9."

"Jay?" I ask, totally oblivious to the first part of her conversation.

She sighs, blissfully unaware of the internal struggle I just went through in the seconds she was giving her monologue about Jay. "Well I imagine we'll see him. The party is at his house."

"Oh," I answer. "Yea."

She gets bored with my disinterest in this topic. "Hey," she says after a few seconds of awkward silence. "I'll just see you when you come, alright?"

I'm pleased about getting an out to the conversation that led nowhere. "Sure. I'll be there as soon as I'm ready."

"'Kay," she says sweetly. That's the one thing about her voice: it can become, in the time span of a millisecond, coated in a saccharine tone that, surprisingly, doesn't ever sound fake as Manny's sometimes does. It never fails to produce some reaction in my body that I always try to ignore, afraid of what it means.

I hang up and quickly hit the numbers necessary to access my voice mail. I go through the same conversation I do everyday with the automated lady who tells me what buttons to push and when. Suddenly, her voice is replaced with Ashley's. It takes all my willpower not to have tears gushing from my eyes.

"Hey, I love you. I don't know what I'm going to do. I've been sitting here, on this bridge, but I'm too scared to jump. I don't think it would help, because it wouldn't take back anything I've done. And you wouldn't be able to love me where I'd be. So I'm just sitting here, hoping that some miracle will happen. But I'm not optimistic about it. About anything. I love you. Goodbye."

My bones ache for me to try to find her. They physically rebel against me as I pull down the road, back towards my house. And Emma's. Far away from anything that might save me. Or kill me, depending on what kind of drug Ash wants to be today.

"_I heard about your regrets.  
I heard that you were feeling sorry."_

My phone begins to vibrate on my leg, and it pulls my thoughts away from the deep blue of the water long enough so that I can answer it. I don't recognize the number, which throws me into a panic, because all along I just needed it to be JT. "Hello?" I ask questionably into the phone.

"Ashley?"

"Yes, this is she," I answer, still trying desperately to place the male voice with a face and a name.

"This is Spinner."

"Hey!" I say shamming fervor. It's what you do when old friends call you. It's just necessary to some extent. "How are you?"

"Me?" he responds quietly, almost in a whisper. "I'm fine."

"That's... great." The awkwardness settles over the phone line like a blanket. "How's Manny?" I ask in a desperation to create dialogue. As soon as I speak the words, I regret it. This will lead him, eventually, to ask how JT is. And then it's just one more person who will know how badly I screwed up.

"She's great, but it seems she's found herself a little..urm, well, I guess crusade is the word I'm looking for."

I laugh politely at him. "There's a five dollar word, Spin. What's her crusade?"

"It seems she's trying to make the lives of all of Craig's ex-girlfriends hell."

I gulp audibly, memories rushing back of grade 10 and how badly Manny hurt me. "Oh..." I manage after a few minutes of silence.

"It's not what it used to be. She's not doing it for revenge or because she wants him or anything. It's just, well, she's masquerading it by saying she's doing these things to help Emma. I'm not sure if you're going to hear anything from her or not, so I thought I'd call. You know, to clear everything up."

"What exactly is she saying?"

"Craig's in New York, and he's not leading a very celibate life down there. In fact, pretty far from it. Manny told Emma, because you know, it's been so soon and Emma, I think, still loves him. She probably wouldn't have told you, and I knew this. But I wanted to call you, in case you heard it anyways. And because Craig told me something that I thought you might want to know. I didn't tell Manny yet, and I won't, if you don't want me to."

He stops and waits for my response. "Craig can do what he likes in New York, I guess. I mean, that's not a main priority of mine. I haven't been seeing him in almost three years. I feel bad for Emma, sure, but she'll tell me if she needs me. What's this news you only wanted to tell me?"

"I told him about how we think Emma still loves him, and he was quiet for a long time. Maybe even a whole minute. Then, really quiet, under his breath like, he said 'I wish it was Ash.'"

My heart stops and my hands go sweaty. Craig still loves me? Even after all of these years, all of the spent tears? Suddenly, I feel dizzy and my free hand clutches onto the ledge of the rural bridge that I've been occupying for hours now with a lack of anywhere else to go. "Are you sure, Spin?" I say faintly.

"Ash, I'd bet my life on it."

"Thank you," I mumble. I don't wait for the proper end of the conversation. I pull the phone in front of me and deliberately push the end button. I stare at my phone for a long time as if it had suddenly turned into an alien object that I didn't recognize anymore, like a dear friend who suddenly changed her style dramatically or an old pair of jeans that your mom has sewn up without your permission. Unsure of anything else, I know only one person who would sit with me on the bridge and cry with me, not needing an answer. I dial the number I know better than any other: the number of my old house.

"_I heard from someone that you wished you could,  
Set things right between us.  
I guess I should have heard of that from you.  
I guess I should have heard of that from you."_

I pull at the frayed edges of my American football jersey. The team is nameless to me, probably some animal or some random word with 'er' slapped onto the back of it. My dark jeans flare at the bottom enough so that you can see a pair of scuffed boots I stole from Dylan's closet. Luckily, he won't be here to catch me. I feel haphazard in my outfit, trying too hard and at the same time, still horribly not 'getting it.'

"Jay," I hiss into his ear. "Don't you have any old tennis shoes I can change into? Dylan's boots hurt."

He rolls his eyes and wraps an arm around me tightly. "You did fine until the boots."

I punch him playfully. "Well," I answer, "I didn't think pumps would go too well with this outfit."

He pushes his lips against my temple. "You look beautiful tonight."

I hit him playfully again. "It's not nice to kid."

He pulls away from me and smiles down since his head is a few inches above mine. "I wasn't kidding, Paige. You always look beautiful."

I feel a blush form at the top of my cheekbones. "Thanks."

He shakes his head and takes another swig of beer. A girl walks up to him. She's wearing a skirt that falls about eight inches above her knees. I stare without realizing, day dreaming about what kind of trouble she'd get in if she wore it to Degrassi. Jay has a few words with her, then turns his attention back to me almost immediately. "Did you like her legs?" he asks.

"What?" I say, snapping back to reality.

"You were staring at her legs."

"I was?" the blush reappearing. "Oh, shit."

He laughs. "Too bad it's too early in our relationship to ask for a threesome."

I roll my eyes. "It will never be time to ask for that."

"You seemed pretty into it a minute ago."

"Shut up!"

He laughs and finishes off his beer. "Do you want another?" he asks, motioning to my empty bottle on the table.

I shake my head. "That's okay."

"Well, are you bored?"

I smile. "Of course not. You're here."

"Well, what if we go somewhere where it's only me there?"

My eyes light up and meet his. "Alone, is that what you're asking?"

"I've only wanted to be alone with you all night, as soon as you walked through the door. Or, rather, stomped."

I smile at him playfully. "Well," I say offering my hand, "what the hell are you waiting for?"

"_So don't you see, don't you see,  
That the charade is over?"_

"I love you." Her words sting me like salt to an open wound.

"We've been over this."

"No," she protests. "You've been over this. Time and time again. But we haven't had any real two way discussions about it."

"I don't just throw around those words like they have no meaning."

"Well, why don't they have meaning? Why don't you love me, Craig? You sure as hell act like it. Following me everywhere I go. Threatening to beat up my brother because you think there's something going on between us. Spending every waking hour of every waking day with me, near me, talking to me, sleeping with me, or talking about me. If that's not love Craig, I'd like to know what it is."

New York has changed me, in a lot of ways, into a better, more experienced person. Unfortunately, it's done nothing for my angry temper. It's built up so that at this point, with her yelling in my face, I explode. "It's obsession, you stupid bitch. I am overly obsessed with you. I need you. I need your sex. I need someone to hang out with in this fucking elitist-ass city. I can't fall in love with you, and that means that I'm not about to. I'm also not going to leave you. So it's up to you. Now that you know everything, and how much I need you but won't love you, are you going to stay?"

Her face contorts into several different shapes as she takes in all the information. I can't read her very well, I realize, but I sit on the edge of the bed silently still trying my best. The fact that she isn't out the door and a half of a world away already is shocking. There's got to be something, something more she needs to get out of me. Her body starts towards me, slowly and unsure, but like it's being pulled by an invisible magnet. Her steps are slow and uncertain, but it's a definite that she is nearing me.

She finally kneels down in front of me, her own sacrifice to me. I lean down and kiss her, softly and breathlessly. "I can only promise you tonight," she says, and gives her body to me in sacrifice.

"_And all the best deceptions,  
And the clever cover story awards,  
Go to you.  
So kiss me hard cause this'll be the last time that I let you."_

"Spin, stop for a second, I'll be right back. Okay?"

He stops chugging the beer immediately and stares at me. "Where are you going?"

"I need to go stop some huge scene from happening." I push my way past him and to the door. I watch Paige disappear up the steps behind Jay. Why me? Always me. "Sean," I say latching onto his arm to help me up the step to where he is in the foyer.

"Hey Manny," he says pulling me up safely. I'm a bit tipsy by this point, so his help is certainly welcome. "How's it going down here?"

"Pretty boring actually," I respond quick enough for the lie to bury itself. "I was thinking of leaving as soon as Spinner finishes his beer."

"Oh really?" he says looking around with a slightly confused tone. "It looks alright. I might stick around."

"No, that's not a good idea. The beer is really shitty, and all of the girls are already paired off anyways." He gives me a look that clearly points out that he was never interested in how drunk or paired off the girls were. "Right," I say getting the look. "You don't care... But it's just not cool. At all. You could come home with me and Spin and play Pictionary."

He rolls his eyes and laughs. "I think I'll stick around for awhile, thanks."

He turns around and steps down the step into the party. I stomp around on the ground, silently, in frustration. Sean Cameron should not be at this goddamn party. I smell such trouble.

I go back to Spinner's side, without taking my eye off of Sean. I don't know why I'm so worried. This isn't my party. But it still isn't fair to Paige to have her first date with Jay, which looks to be going so well, ruined by her cheating ex. Unfortunately, it seems fate wants exactly that to happen.

Spinner, being a drunken pig, spills beer all over his shirt, which I have to clean up because I'm his loving and considerate girlfriend. However, Sean chooses this exact moment to have to urinate. And because of the architecture of Jay's house, it seems the only two bathrooms are on the second floor. I give up on Spin's shirt and immediately run up the stairs after Sean.

"Sean," I say breathlessly catching his loose shirt tail. He spins around in response and looks at me quizzically.

"Hey, Manny, are you alright? You look a little nauseous."

"I am. Show me where the bathroom is."

He leads me to the open door and ushers me inside. Praising the fact that I really do feel like throwing up right now, I lean over the bowl and heave. He makes a slightly disgusted noise before taking my loose hair in his hands and holding it back.

I lean up afterwards and give him a grateful smile. He simply nods. "Well, alright, I'm going to go to the other bathroom. I'll be back after you're cleaned up."

Forgetting for a second my purpose, I turn on the water and lean over the sink so he can back out of the bathroom. The cold water splashing on my face suddenly makes me realize that the only other bathroom is attached to the master bedroom, which is most likely where Paige and Jay are.

My realization is timed perfectly with loud screams coming from the end of the hall. I sigh and begrudgingly throw myself down the hallway. I enter the bedroom where Sean has already started a scene. Paige is standing in jeans and her bra, and upon my arrival, grabs the nearest blanket to shield herself. Jay is stripped down to his boxers and is uncomfortably close to striking Sean. I step in between them, facing Sean and ushering him out the door. He yells over my shoulder, calling Paige a slut and Jay a mother fucker.

I finally push him into the hall and Jay closes the door behind me. At least I can buy them enough time to get dressed, if nothing else. I look him up and down, his anger still seeping through his pores and his eyes flashing red. I shake my head at him. "Why?" I ask slowly, deliberately.

His eyes flash over mine as if it is the stupidest question he's ever been asked. "My best friend and my girlfriend!" he says without thinking. After realizing his mistake, he lifts his hand towards the door and then lets it drop. He looks confused and shakes his head at me. "She's not my girlfriend, and he's not my best friend, not anymore." His eyes betray his sorrow and tears begin to form. "What have I done?"

He takes a few slow steps away from the door. "Let's get you home," I say rubbing his arm.

"No," he says shaking his head. "I can't go home. Not to him."

We start to descend the stairs in silence. "What if," I say, helping him with his balance, "Spinner and I come over tonight. You wouldn't have to talk to Dylan; we could keep you company."

"I don't want you guys to be uncomfortable."

"We wouldn't be. All we need is a bed, or a couch, or a floor, and some blankets. I promise."

"Alright," he says as we finally reach the landing. "But why are you doing this?"

I wave Spinner over through the mass. "Because Sean," I say turning my attention back towards him, "I know what it's like to make a mistake."

"_You will be back someday,  
And this awkward kiss,  
that screams of other people's lips,  
Will be of service,  
to giving you away.  
To giving you away."_

I notice slightly that it's still light outside as I pour myself another shot of vodka. It doesn't burn as it slips quickly down my throat, gnawing away at my esophagus. I tilt my head back up and struggle for clear vision so I don't lose my balance, giving Kate and Jeff something to worry about upstairs.

Another drink in memory of Ashley. Another fucked up piece in the puzzle of my life, each one taking me closer to death. Every memory I attempt to wash away surges back at the most inconvenient times, like when I'm with Manny and Emma or eating a family dinner. Suddenly, her kiss is tasted on my lips or I can feel her body under mine. And that brief second changes everything. I'm reminded clearly and horribly of what I can't have, and what I'll always be comparing girls to.

The drinking makes me feel so ungrateful. I have everything I've ever truly desired, deep down. A girlfriend who totally gets me and is turning into this beautiful flowering creature. My family is acting cool about most things, and I'm entering my last year of high school. But still, I flock to this bottle like Jack Daniels is my only friend. I have three amazing friends who I really can talk to about anything. Yet I can't, somehow, talk to them about this general feeling of despair and hopelessness that I can't shake.

I put the lid back on the bottle, leaving it on the basement bar in case I get lonely later. I climb under a tattered old blanket on the couch. The United States of Leland is just starting, so I figure I might as well give it as much of my attention as I can muster. I'll fall asleep like this, alone and useless.

I glance over at my phone before resting my eyes. I figured Liberty or Emma or someone would call tonight, but they didn't. Good. I didn't have to ignore any calls. I laugh at myself, at my own stupidity. Why, Toby, if you complain about how fucking lonely you are, do something about it. It's that fucking simple, right?

As if on cue, my phone starts to vibrate in my hand. I blink twice to make sure my caller ID isn't lying. It's not, apparently. I can't believe Ashley is calling me now. It stuns me into temporary paralyzation. Her number taunts me in ways Spinner could only dream. I know answering this phone is not in my best interest, but I've never done anything remotely good for my mental health.

"_I'm waiting for blood,  
To flow to my fingers.  
I'll be all right when my hands get warm.  
Ignoring the phone,  
I'd rather say nothing,  
I'd rather you never heard my voice."_

For some reason, Ashley's voice has the power to move mountains. More than that and more harmful I'm sure, it has the power to dissipate all the reason in my head. All logic I may have just vanishes at a mere glance or word she may offer me. It's not an excuse, but it's the only reason I can think of for driving into the middle of Bum Fuck Egypt when all I can really think about is a warm couch and some teenage angst ushering me into a dreamless sleep.

Why the hell did Ash have to fight with JT on the most windy road in Canada? I feel sick like I've been riding in the back seat to some random vacation spot my dad picked out. I feel every piece of food I ate today stir in my stomach during every turn. It's almost enough to make me stop, or slow down at least, but I comfort myself with the fact that I have a working window, and I can just roll it down if I get too nauseous.

The brights on oncoming cars blind me long after they've switched them off out of courtesy. I wish I'd had the sense to at least try to sober up before I began my drive. The guard rail is begging for a crash. I glance up at the sky at dusk. It's a great night for a crash, actually. This kind of sky would be the perfect backdrop for flashing lights, stopped cars, and the horrible sight of blood on a dashboard.

Another approaching car with the predictable on to off of bright lights quickly brings me out of my day dream. I shake my head at my idiocy and turn my radio up. Why? I know that helps if you're on the verge of sleep. I'm not. I'm actually quite awake and spastic. I just need concentration, something to help me get from point A to point B without some nasty collision. The radio, which had been gnawing through my ear drums trying to catch a bit of my attention, finally reaches it's apex of clarity. "It's over now/ If you wanna try/ Try to forget it/ I'll say/ It's over/ I'm gone."

With the most sincere of apologies and faintest of breaths clinging to my tongue, I let my fingers slide. My whole body jerks as my car meets the guard rail head on.

"_You're calling too late,  
Too late to be gracious.  
And you do not warrant long good-byes."_

The party's died down considerably. Most people have coupled up and, coincidentally, are not making any more noise. Someone called the cops so the music has been turned down to a dull roar. I push my way past three drunk kids trying to make a beer can castle. The little things that can amuse a person when they're intoxicated. I wave to Spinner again before stopping in front of JT and Emma. "I'm tired of being with people because they feel they owe me something. For once, Jesus, I just want to love someone who loves me." I hear the end of JT's comment before they realize I'm there. "Hey Manny," JT says. Emma and he share an intense look of understanding.

"I just wanted to let you guys know Spin and I are leaving. I'll call you tomorrow, Em." She flashes me a small grin. Interrupting our farewell, my phone begins to vibrate through my purse. I fetch it and look hard at the Caller ID. "Em, it's your mom."

Fear flashes over her face. "Answer it," she says. It's really the only thing I can do.

"Hello?"

"Manny, hi, this is Mrs. Simpson." The tone of her voice strikes me before her words and I can immediately tell there's something wrong. "Where are you?"

"Emma and I are at JT's."

Simple lies are almost necessary in this sort of situation. "I was going to ask to talk to Emma, but it will be just as, well, I'm going to tell you. Manny, sweetie, I'm so sorry, but I just heard. Toby was in a car crash this evening."

"What?" I say disbelievingly. Emma, noticing my own fear and hurt, stands up and links her hand in mine. "Is he okay?"

"Manny, he didn't make it."

The tears fall freely now. Emma wraps her arms around me, and JT stands up, too. "No," I manage between sobs. "Not Toby."

Emma's own eyes fill with grief and tears. "Manny, just make sure you and Emma get home as soon as possible. You can stay here tonight. It's been so long, I just want to hug you."

I nod and close my phone without saying another word. I turn to my two best friends and deliver the worst news they could hear at this point. I try to compose myself, but it's no use. "Toby died. He's dead." I collapse into the couch. JT stares at me, as shocked as I was. Emma breaks down into his chest. "Oh my God. I can't believe it."

"_You're calling too late,  
You're calling too late."_


	10. At Your Funeral

**I Need You So Much Closer**

A/N: Sorry about the delay. Major computer troubles, and I lost the first half so had to do it over. Song lyrics "At Your Funeral" by Saves the Day.

**Chapter 10: At Your Funeral**

As soon as I step through the threshold into our apartment, Kate grabs me and leads me back out. "Where are we going?" I ask dumbly following her down the stairs.

"To see our favorite neighbor."

"Who's that? Mrs. Cassidy?"

"She died last week, Craig. No, our new favorite neighbor. Steven Figaretti. Yes, so Italian. Anyways, he's getting us hooked up with some pot."

"Anyone in this city can get us hooked up, but I think you're forgetting how little money we have. The reason we haven't had pot in over a week, you know?"

"He doesn't want money," she says finally getting off at a landing two floors below our's.

"Well, okay, what's the catch? What does he want?"

She smells under each arm pit, and I look away, disgusted. "All he wants," she says, obviously pleased with the lack of odor, "is a little bit of me." She knocks on the door.

I laugh. How can I not? It's fucking hilarious. "You're pimping yourself out for weed?"

She looks over at me and then nods her approval. "And, I'm sharing."

"How nice of you." The large Italian, Steven Figaretti, opens the door. Kate smiles widely. "Hey Steven, this is my roommate, Craig. You remember, the gay one."

He nods and opens the door enough for us to squeeze in. He passes me the bag. Fair amount. "You can start, Craig. She'll be joining you shortly."

Kate smiles flirtatiously and grabs his thigh. "Not that shortly, though." They laugh and disappear into a back bedroom.

I make a quick exit out of the apartment. It smells, and I really would rather not listen to the sounds of my girlfriend fucking another man. I push my way back into my apartment and see a light blinking on the answering machine. Who the hell would leave us a message? I thought we had paid most of our bills this month. So fucking great that we didn't. I push the button and fall onto the couch in the next room, still in perfect ear shot.

The first thing I notice is her voice. It's different. It's hurt, in some crazy way that I know it will never be fixed. "Craig, hey. It's Ashley. Ashley Kerwin. Um, well, I called because I just, well, I wanted to tell you that Toby died last night. His funeral is going to be Tuesday at the Samson Funeral Home. I just wanted to let you know and everything. Okay. Well, bye."

I play the message three times and pinch myself the same amount to make sure this is actually happening. Finally, I resign myself to the oldest Chinese food ever made and an equally old documentary about, what else, drugs.

Kate walks, no- skips, totally oblivious to the fact that I'm dead on the couch and simultaneously forgetting that I left her in that creep's apartment. She frolics into the kitchen. "A message?" she says in that horribly overly dramatic tone that she takes on when she thinks she's a Broadway dance. "Pour moi?"

She pushes the button and Ashley's voice resonates through my ears, once again. Thanks. Thanks a fucking lot, Kate. Kate stands in the doorway between the living room and the kitchen. "Did you hear this?" she asks.

I nod and bury my face in my hands. I try to dig my brain out through my eyes with the palms of my hands. It's not going too well. I guess this is Craig Manning's adult version of trying to dig a hole to China in his backyard. "Are you going?" I don't answer. Go away. Please. "I mean," she says coming more into the room, "if you want to go, you know, I'll go with you. I'll meet everyone. This Ashley chick, is she your friend?"

"I'm sending flowers. Because I love her. I love Ashley. If you want to deal with that, fine, but I really don't. So don't bring it up anymore."

"Oh." She takes a step back. She stands there for a long time. The entire room is silent except for the monotonous documentary that I don't have the energy to turn off. She steps in between the couch and the table and picks up the baggie. "Oh," she says again before leaving the apartment.

"_This song will become,  
the anthem of your underground.  
You're two floors down,  
getting high in the back room."_

The Simpson/Nelson household seems even more dark and blustery the day of Toby's funeral. I knock on the front door, as I was instructed to do, and wait for any sign of life. The seconds tick away slowly, but I'm not counting them. Something inside of me, I can't place the exact feeling, pushes me to enter her house. I feel drawn to her somehow, and I know that I'm no good to anyone standing on her porch like the useless idiot I've become.

I step inside her house. I expect it to be clean, or at least give off the appearance as such in the front room, but it's not. Her house is dirty. I can't even process the thought. I pass the laundry baskets littering her floor and the dirty dishes piled in the sink to the top of her basement steps. I sidestep wrappers and her shelled off underwear to make my way into her room. "Knock knock," I say leaning against the stair rail.

She flutters her eyelids open. She is sprawled out on her comforter, a black dress on and black shoes danging from her feet. "What time is it?" she asks groggily.

"Time to get a watch." I wait for her to laugh or make an attempt at a smile or anything, but she doesn't. "It's getting kind of late, actually."

She turns her head to the side, and I can fully see the red eyes and the tears that inhabit them. "Why does it matter if we're late? He's dead. He doesn't care. He's dead," her voice fades along with her confidence of the statement.

"We're not going because of him. I mean, we are going because of him. But we're going for everyone, Em. We're going because Ash and Manny, they need us. We're going because, I guess, it's supposed to give us closure. I don't know, have you ever not gone to the funeral of someone you loved?"

"Yea," she says looking up at me with totally earnest eyes. "Your's."

I sit on the edge of the bed and shrug. "It's my fault. I did phrase that wrong." She turns her head away with a slight look of disgust. I know what she's thinking. She just pretty much said she loved me. And I ignored it. Because I don't know what else to do, and all of my muscles are aching to be going to Toby's funeral. But I don't move an inch. I don't think I can. I can hardly breathe around her.

"I'm sorry. I made this really uncomfortable. I shouldn't have said anything."

She looks thoroughly shocked when I put my hand on top of her's. "No. You deserve honesty, so let me be honest. Okay, so when I went after the only two girlfriends I've ever had, it was after this extremely traumatic event in their life. I didn't think of it then, but I was stupid and now I know. I can't do that. I was taking advantage of them. I mean, it's just like if they were drunk and I coaxed them into a relationship. I can't do that to you, Emma. Never."

"Without you, JT, I have nothing. Don't," she pauses as she wipes away a few of her tears, "don't think for a second that I don't need this. I do."

"I need you in my life, but I'm not sure how to do this. I promise I'll always be here. But for right now..." I trail off, lost for words.

"For right now, we can just go do this thing. Someone whom I trust with my life said that it gives you closure." I link my fingers with her's and walk up the stairs with her. Somehow, this crazy blonde environmentalist nut has given me something I haven't had in a long time: hope.

"_If I flooded out your house,  
Do you think you'd make it out?  
Or would you burn up before the water filled your lungs?"_

I look at the next batch of mourners. Cousins from the States. I'm sorry, right? Because you can't think of anything original or meaningful to say. I'm sorry for your loss. Your brother was a good person. If you ever need anything, don't hesitate to ask. Your empty words hold no meaning for me. Come on, quote some Billy Joel, mix it up a bit. Only the good die young, yea. Now I understand why Craig laughed at his dad's funeral. These people pretending to know what they have no idea about: true grief. Craig knew, but he's half a world away, screening his calls. Fuck Craig Manning. I have no time for him anymore. Thank God, JT's finally here. With Emma fucking Nelson hanging off his arm like... arm candy. When did that happen? We've been broken up for three days. Seventy two hours to get a new girlfriend. I need to get out of here. Spinner and Manny. I hate her. No, no I don't. Just, deal with her. I'm shaking with sobs by the time I reach them huddled against the door. I don't know why I'm crying again. Is it not for Toby? I mean, who would cry after they pretty much killed their best friend, their brother? Not Ashley Kerwin, that's for damned sure. Manny's crying, and Spinner looks lost. What's new? I offer them the only form of consolation I have, the small bag of high grade marijuana just sitting in my glove compartment, waiting for a few lost souls to forget their problems. Manny takes one long look towards my brother's casket before deciding she'd rather be anywhere but here. I'm starting to like this chick more already. We make our way outside and past the youngest of the three funeral directors. The first time I saw him, his eyes drew me into him in a way that made me feel dirty and childish inside. I actually believe his sympathies, maybe just a fault of his genuine nature. He's smoking a cigarette, so I stop and kid him, asking if he'd like anything a bit stronger. He clenches his jaw a few times before saying that he would kill for something stronger. Well, that settles it. The man is getting what he wants. The only other thing I can remember is complete oblivion. No happiness, though. My brother's dead. JT's with Emma, and it pisses me off because I know he should be. And Craig? Fuck Craig Manning. It's not my fault this whole fucking scene is dead.

"_And at your funeral,  
I will sing the requiem."_

**Ehh: You should be warned. Major stoner fluff here. Why? I don't know. Just... be prepared for the fluff of your Katy-reading lives.**

Manny blows a puff of smoke in my face and I brush it away. "You're so cute," she giggles. I love her. I don't know, but for some reason, her letting loose, and crying, and being totally everything she is around makes me feel so much better about myself. I run my hand through her hair.

"Manny, can I tell you something?"

"Sure! Anything. Unless, it's like, I think we should break up. Because I'd die. And kill myself. Yup."

"I just wanted to tell you that I love everything about you, and I would cry if you realized how much better you are than me and dumped me."

She makes her version of the stoned, pouty face. "Mr. Gavin Spinner Mason, I would never dump you! If you were a telephone, you'd still be off the hook."¹

"Manny, have you been listening to my Brand New tapes again?"

"Nooooo," she says giggling. "Okay, a little."

I put my forehead next to her's. "Are you thinking of me when you're putting on your make-up darling? Dying your hair like you do? Well, you're wasting your time if you're trying to impress me, I waste all my time just thinking of you."¹

I see tears form in her eyes, and I silently thank God or whoever for giving me the ability to remember those lyrics right. She kisses both sides of my mouth. "You're it," she says rubbing my cheek softly. "You're the guy that I dreamed of always. God," she kisses me again. "Forever, Spin?"

I link my pinky with her's. "Forever, Manny."

We hear a car door close loudly in the distance, and our heads snap apart. "Should we check on Ashley?" she asks before I can find the words.

I'm already halfway gone. "Yea, let's go."

We jog hand in hand to Ashley's car, parked only a few cars away. She's alone now, the funeral director or whoever the fuck she brought to take a quarter of her stash is gone. I get in the passenger's side and Manny goes into the back. "How are ya, pal?" I ask with a fake smile.

Her hair is messed up in that just had sex sort of way. I don't think she even realized that we came into the car. "Oh, hey guys! Manny, you look so pretty. You know what? I don't hate you. I'm sorry I told everyone about when you got pregnant."

Ordinarily, I'm sure this would make the air settle awkwardly, and Manny would fidget and cry because she sucks like that whenever you bring up the pregnancy. But something about the combination of her being high, Ash being high, Ashley actually talking to her and apologizing and I'd like to think our little 'forever' promises a few minutes ago make Manny just giggle. "I never hated you Ash, ohmigosh. Like, I don't know, I looked up to you so much when I was little, right? And then, I did something and I was like, I'm so stupid! And I didn't even like Craig. He just smelled really good and was really sweet and I was like, well he's better than Sully. But I was so dumb to do that."

They start to laugh together. I put my hands over my face and laugh, too. Because it's funny. Life is funny. And hot damn I need a hot dog.

"_This song will become,  
the anthem of your underground.  
You're two floors down,  
getting high in the back room."_

Why the fuck did you have to fucking die, Toby? Seriously, what the fuck is your problem? You had to make this awkward for me, didn't you? I have to go and see your sister and all of the people that I've hurt more than fucking anything. God, but you know I'd be here. You know that next year, in MI, I'm going to have a breakdown every time I see your empty desk. I know some new kid is going to come and try to sit there, but I swear to God the second he does, he'll be so dead. Trust me.

I walk quickly across the parking lot. The sun beats down on me, and the black of my suit absorbs it and burns my skin. I'm sweating a little, and I gladly play it off as the sun's fault. It's so damn hot in June nowadays. I see Ashley's car a few meters away, and I stop to stare at it. How much of my life had been spent in that car? So much.

I walk into the building. How did I ever convince myself to do this? This so wrong. The glares of everyone in there tells me that Sean Cameron is not welcome. I try to suppress the urge to run in the opposite direction and never look back, but it keeps bubbling over. I bite the fleshy parts of the inside of my mouth to keep myself from screaming.

I don't see Ashley anywhere, which is this huge internal sigh of relief. I walk up to the kneeler in front of the coffin and kneel. It's closed, which is haunting in it's own right. He was that fucked up and mangled that they couldn't make him look showable even in death. I've never used a kneeler before since I've never gone to church before, but I finger the tracery on the coffin and try to ignore the people boring holes into the back of my head.

There's a kneeler next to mine which an older lady had been using, probably an aunt or some such relative. She gets up to leave without me realizing it, but soon enough, the air shifts and another body is next to me. She tucks a loose strand of blonde hair behind her ear and then uses the same hand to cover my own on the coffin. "He's dead."

I don't have to look over. I know her expression already. Her face, full of grief, and her eyes, intent on the head of the steel box that looms in front of us. "I know," I say in a hushed tone. "I've been told."

She lets her hand drop to her side. She does the sign of the cross and makes as if she's going to leave. "Take care, Sean."

"You too, Emma."

"Don't worry."

"I wasn't about to." She's gone again, and the lifelessness creeps back into the air.

"_If I flooded out your house,  
do you think you'd make it out?  
Or would you burn up,  
before the water fills your lungs?"_

"It almost seems like it's not worth it to have friends. It's not worth it to get close to people, since everyone just dies on you anyways. I can't stand it. I just don't want to feel this kind of pain ever again."

JT wraps his arm around me reassuringly. "But if you never feel anything, you won't ever feel love. The love is what makes the pain tolerable."

"Did you just steal that from Dr. Phil's book of inspiration quotes or something? It was kind of random and fluffy."

He shrugs. "I just thought it would help."

I sigh. Great. Now he thinks that I'm mad at him just because he's a total corn ball. I attempt my sweetest smile. "I'm sorry. I'm just, not taking this well. To put it lightly."

"Yea, to put it lightly," he agrees. He leaves his arm around me as we both stare at the closed coffin in front of us. "What were," his voice cracks a bit, so he coughs and starts again. "What were you and Sean talking about?"

I fight the smile trying to creep its way onto my face. JT's jealous. "What were we talking about? Hmm, death. Toby. It was not a long conversation."

I cross and uncross my legs. How do I tell him that I love the feel of his arm around my shoulders? How do I put into words how much I need him? Sometimes, I remind myself, the direct approach is the best way. "JT?" I ask. He turns his attention off of the coffin and looks at me. "I love you."

I rest my head on his shoulder and he rubs my arm comfortingly. I love you.

"_And at your funeral,  
I will sing the requiem,  
I'd offer you my hand;  
It would hurt too much to watch you die."_

I walk around my house, which I still call mine even though I haven't lived here in months, aimlessly, trying to avoid people I've already talked to or those who I think will only offer me the platitudes that have been burned into my subconscious at least forty times already this hour. I keep glancing back to the stairwell, trying to figure out the best way for me to sneak upstairs without being noticed. I capitalize on an opportunity as my grandma slips into the bathroom. "I need to use the lu," I say to my mom. "And grandma's occupying this one."

She waves her hand, dismissing me like a teacher. I roll my eyes and bound up the stairs, two at a time. Stepping into Toby's room is an emotional head rush, and I have to close my eyes and take a step back before I can gather the strength to continue.

I find a real sense of calm overwhelm me as I lay on top of his bed. His scent fills my entire body with a warm, musky feeling. I reach under his mattress and find his journal. I contemplate whether I should respect his privacy or not, but decide against it since he's dead, and I'm the one who needs help grieving.

"**This is my last leg, been awake for days,  
in a minute I'll die of starvation  
I'll come back a ghost,  
back to haunt you and float around your room.  
What do I do when you get close?  
If I kiss your neck, would you slit my throat?"**¹

He's an amazing writer, I notice for the first time. Totally prophetic, too. I trace over the letters again, wondering who this could be about. Then I see the underlined 'AK.' Shit. It's about me.

I throw the book across the room. Fuck it, Toby. The date... it's been forever. You've loved me forever. I rub my face over and over again until it turns a bit raw. Jesus Christ.

I stand up and grab the book. I throw it into my bag and make my way back down to his wake. I walk up to my mom and dad, who are talking in hushed tones as everyone else dissipates around them. They look up at me expectantly as I stand with my hand on my hips. "Yes, Ashley?" my mom asks.

"Dad, I'll be out by the end of the week. I'm moving."

My mom chokes up, and my dad is in a stunned silence. Jeff appears from somewhere, and Kate buries her head in his chest. "Where are you going?" he manages.

"New York City. I'll be sure to stay in contact. I'm sorry, I just couldn't stay here anymore. I love you both, but it's just too hard."

This is for the best, I keep reminding myself as I turn on my heel and leave. I pass JT, who puts up his hand up in a stationary wave. I stare at him with tears threatening to spill over. I did this. I did this all.

"_And you can bet when we mourn the death of you that night (of you that night),  
They'll lay me on the dinner table;  
I will be the pig,  
With the apple in my mouth,  
The food that celebrates your end."_

Ashley's little revelation was, well, interesting. I really, truly hope it's not just a late working side effect of the pot. In that case, she'll have more than enough fun explaining her whole little scene to everyone in the morning. If not, well, I guess I'll be one of the first to say that I will miss her. She's changed. She's a lot more fun now, and she learned how to let grudges go.

Spinner shakes his head at the closed door and looks down on me. "What do you think that was all about?" he asks.

I shrug. "Well, she doesn't have JT, and she must feel like Emma abandoned her. And of course, she doesn't have Toby. She must feel like she has no one. I mean, she's kind of notorious for her breakdowns and wanting to run away, right? And what better place than New York? You can do almost anything you want to, and you can easily disappear in the crowd. Craig's there, too."

He stiffens a bit. "What does that matter? It's not like either of them have feelings for each other anymore."

"Okay, Mr. Defensive. I mean, I would go there too, if I knew I had a friend there."

"How do you even know they're still friends?"

"Seriously, Spinner, calm down. You're acting extremely too involved in this whole thing. I don't know they're still friends; I just guessed. I didn't mean anything by it."

"Well, I don't think she'll go through with it, personally."

"And why's that?"

"Because she has a future here. She doesn't there. Once she realizes that her plans are here, she'll stick around. As much as she's notorious for running away, she's not known for rash decisions."

"That's some deep thinking, Spin."

"I guess that whole idiot reputation is for shit, Manny."

I roll my eyes and giggle. "I guess it is."

"Are you ready? These things always make me antsy to go out and live."

"And what do you mean by live?"

He wraps his arms around me from the back. "I mean taking you somewhere secluded and showing you how much I love you," he whispers. "I mean falling in love with you over and over again. I mean... marrying you."

My head snaps up. "You... want to marry me?"

His voice sounds shaky as he slowly pulls his hand out of his pocket. In his hand is a small gold band with a single, tiny diamond in the center. "Is it too soon to give this to you?"

I gasp and bury my head in his shoulder to hide my tears. "Let's get out of here," I whisper with a voice plagued with sobs and laughs at the same time.

"I'd like nothing more."

"_And at your funeral,  
I will sing the requiem.  
I'd offer you my hand;  
It would hurt too much to watch you die."_

"What happened with that Isaacs kid?" Jay asks as he sits next to me on his couch.

"Car accident," I say flipping through the paper until I find the obituaries section.

"Oh." He turns on a movie, an Adam Sandler or Jim Carrey one, I forget what he said. "Why didn't you go to the funeral? Aren't you pretty good friends with his sister or whatever?"

I scan the article twice before finally focusing my attention to read it fully. "Eh, we used to be, but it would be weird. And Sean probably went."

I fold up the paper after hearing about his living relatives and all the bull shit that no one really cares about, but can't think of anything else to say. "I have half a mind to kick Cameron's ass again. Show him what it really means when you just decide to fuck dudes, all the sudden."

I stare intently on the television. "Don't do that. It's not his fault that he's bi. It's his fault that he cheated on me with my brother and then got mad when we got together, but it's not his fault that he likes guys."

"Still, it's prick as fuck to cheat on someone like you, Paige."

"I got over it, though," I say kissing his cheek.

He puts his arm around me and I settle into him. "That's good. I don't know if I'd be able to just let it go."

I shrug. "Grudges are so three years ago."

My phone beeps twice, signaling a new text message. I grab it and read it quickly. "What is it?" Jay asks, straining to read the small screen.

"Ashley's moving to New York," I say and flip it closed. "Oh well, good for her."

"_And at your funeral I will sing the requiem.  
I'd offer you my hand,  
It would hurt too much to watch you die."_

**1- Lyrics to the Song 'Moshi Moshi' by Brand New.**_  
_


	11. Toronto is for Lovers

**I Need You So Much Closer**

**Chapter 11: Toronto is for Lovers**

**Disclaimer: "Ohio is for Lovers" is belonged to Hawthorne Heights, who is a great screamo band and if you like that kind of thing, you should check them out. Degrassi isn't mine, even though I've decided that I should be on the writing team since they steal all my ideas anyway.**

I push open her door without knocking out of habit. I almost forgot I had to knock, that I'm a guest in her house. It's an uncanny feeling as I stand in her doorway, being so out of place that I can't stand it. So, to atone for my wrongful assumptions, I make the effort to knock.

She looks up from her hands cradled together in her lap. She manages a weak smile and goes back to staring. I meander into her room and sit next to her open suitcase on the bed. I run my hands over the front of her favorite blue T-shirt that she'd already placed on the bottom of her bag. "So you're doing it?"

"I've been gone for a lot longer than this." I sit still after her words settle over the room. It isn't her words that plague me; it's her tone. Her voice sounds like it's coming from the rafters of a church, so distant and above all of her surroundings.

"Are you..." my voice sounds shaky as it comes out of my mouth so I shift my body and try again. "What are you going to do there?"

She makes some attempt at movement as she slowly positions herself towards me more. "I don't know, Sean. Cause some scenes. Start some riots. You know how I do."

"Are you going to contact Craig?"

"I don't know. It doesn't matter. I'm not going down there for him. I'm going because it's the greatest city in the world. I'm going because that's where I want to be. I'll find a life there if it kills me."

"It may do that then. It is New York. It takes no prisoners."

Ash looks up at me and laughs. I haven't heard her laugh in ages. I can't believe how much I miss it. I can tell by her face that she misses it, too. "But Lennie Briscoe will be there to find my murderer."

I laugh at the memories, too. Two teenagers too tired to do anything but cuddle and watch Law Order on Saturday nights. Way back in that fairy tale when I was in love and all of our plans seemed set. "He's dead now," I say sympathetically. "Not Lennie. Lennie'll never die. But Jerry's dead."

"I remember reading that somewhere. It's sad. Maybe I'll see them film something on location when I'm down there."

"Aha," I say with the cocky attitude that I haven't put on in three years, "so I've found your motive for choosing New York. You just want to stalk Law Order."

She nods and puts up her arms in mock surrender. "That's it. You're right again."

"So I came to help." She looks at me with befuddlement plastered across her face. "I'm not helping," I further explain.

She sighs. "You want to carry something, I assume? Use your big huge man muscles and help out in that way? Well, I've got news for you. The movers are doing that for me." She jumps off her bed with a new found enthusiasm.

"Oh, oh no..." I say as she grabs something off her dresser.

She spins around. "You have a choice. You can clean," she holds up a spray bottle threateningly so I take a step back, "or you can start to pack up my bathroom."

She steps closer to the door that opens into her bathroom and pushes it slightly open with her foot. I peer inside and after a quick glance, I hurry back into the safety of her room. "No friggin' way," I say to the bathroom offer.

She hands me a spray bottle. She disappears into the bathroom with a smirk and reappears a few seconds later with a wash rag dangling from her hand. "Hurry hurry," she says thrusting the rag into my chest. She walks back into the bathroom but looks over her shoulder and keeps her gaze locked on me. "Sean Hope Cameron, that dust will not clean itself."

I laugh and throw the rag at her. She yelps and ducks into the bathroom. She's just lucky I never follow a girl into the bathroom. Ever.

"_Hey there.  
I know it's hard to feel like I don't care at all.  
Where you are and how you feel."_

"Manny wanted to know if you needed help packing. She said we could come over if you did. We're not doing anything better, and we'd both like to see you before you left." I hold the phone up with my shoulder as I grab some oreos from the pantry.

"Spin, that'd be great. Maybe you guys could just come over and hang out. I'm pretty much done packing for the most part, and I got Sean to clean earlier. It'll actually be perfect; my dad's going to be out all night."

"Am I hearing party?" I ask, my mouth full of cookie.

"You are hearing small get together. I'll order some pizza. Can Manny and yourself bring over some DVDs? Most of mine are packed, and my dad's," I can hear as she goes through them in the background, "are mostly 70's musicals."

"We'll definitely be supplying the movies," I say.

"Good deal. I'll see you around 8, then?"

"Sure. Want us to invite anyone else? Is there anyone you're not speaking to?"

She laughs curtly. "I don't know, Spinner. Use your best judgement. I'd strongly advise against bringing JT and any of his, um, closer female counterparts. I don't care or anything, I just don't want to have to see him before I leave. He's kind of the reason I am leaving. If I have a reason. Never mind, it's not him. I'm rambling."

I jump onto the counter and let my legs dangle off the side. "No worries. Hopefully you'll be able to figure everything out when you're down there."

"Wow, Spinner, I can't believe myself. Gosh, going on and on about all of this. I will see you at eight, and I will try my hardest not to chew your ear off then."

"Ash, do not worry about it. I'm going to go call Manny. I'll see you tonight."

"OK. Bye Spin." As soon as I hang up the phone, I regret it. What is it that I learned in psych class this year? The first step of grief is denial. I don't think I can help her much. I mean, I didn't really pay attention in psych even when I was in class. But I could talk to her. Maybe I'll get a chance to tonight. I punch Manny's number into the phone still in my hand and push it against my ear.

"Hey baby," she answers. "What's up?"

"I just got off the phone with Ashley."

"Oh good. Did you set something up? Emma's really worried that Ashley hates her."

"Emma's coming?" God, no, stop it. Stop it now.

"Emma was planning on coming, yes. Why?"

"Emma's not coming."

"What?"

"Emma's with JT."

She sighs audibly. "I'm glad you're keeping up on Degrassi gossip, Spin, but Emma isn't 'with' JT. They're friends. I mean, she wants to be something more and so does he, but he gave her some crap story about not wanting to ruin a relationship before it begins. So they're not together, yet."

My head hurts. "It sounds like they're together. Ash said she didn't want JT to come or any of the new girls in his life, and I'm almost positive she meant Emma. They did go to the funeral together."

"That doesn't mean anything. Sean didn't even bring Dylan."

I laugh. "That would've gone over well."

Manny rolls her lips in frustration. "Well, what am I supposed to say? I promised her that if we didn't go to Ashley's, that we'd hang out."

"Convince her to spend the evening with JT. Please? Do something."

"Alright, but I hate lying to her. I love you."

"I love you more. Are you looking at the ring?"

"Of course. I told my mom last night. She set up a dinner with you and your family for Sunday. She wants to schedule an engagement party. Is that okay?"

"Sounds like a date." I grab the message pad and scrawl 'Sunday night- dinner at the Santos' across it. "What time?"

"Around 6. I'll call you as soon as I'm done with Emma."

"Alright. I promised Ash 8, and we have to stop at the video store to pick up something to watch."

"That's fine. I love you, muffin."

"No muffin."

She laughs. "Alright, honeybee."

"Honeybee kills me. I'm dead."

"Good. I'll call you in a bit."

I don't find anything else particularly urgent to say, so I let the line go dead.

"_With these lights off as these wheels,  
keep rolling on and on.  
(And on and on and on)"_

"I did something bad." I fall back onto my couch, thankful for the comfort it brings to my muscles.

"Manny?"

Her tone changes after she takes a deep breath. "Hi Ash. I did a bad thing."

"Bad as in..."

She mumbles for a few seconds trying to find the footing to start to say whatever it is she wants to say. "I didn't mean to. I was just talking and lying and lying and talking and Emma was like 'I know when you're lying.' And I cracked and told her you wanted her there and then she started talking about JT. And so I kind of, maybe, inadvertently invited him, too. But don't worry. I'll call and say 'Ashley? Ashley's gone.' And I'll have them to my house and Spinner can go to your's and it'll work and I'll come by tomorrow to say goodbye. I'm so sorry."

"Manny?"

"Yes?" She answers. This girl has seriously got to be high.

"Calm down. No way I'm letting JT ruin another night of my fun, especially my last one here. You're coming, and if that means JT and Emma are coming, that's what it means. We have enough pizza to feed a small country."

"No, Ash, you'll be upset. I'm so dumb. I can't believe I did this."

"I'll call them myself, then."

"Oh my gosh, no!" She starts freaking out, and I just lean back on the couch and giggle silently. "No, I will call them now. I guarantee you they will be there tonight. If this is reverse psychology, it is working so well."

I just laugh. I don't feel like arguing over who's smarter with Manny Santos. "So, do you think it would be a bad idea if I invited Sean and Paige and Jay? Would I just be setting it up for drama?"

Manny thinks it over for a second. "Okay, this may be a really bad idea, but why don't you just invite a lot of people? I know you don't want to, but think of it this way. If there's enough people there, if you don't want to talk to someone, you won't have to. But at the same time, everyone you do want to talk to is there."

Absolutely not. People? Here? A lot of them? Okay, okay, I need to loosen up before I go to New York. It's the reason I am going to New York. Because I'm so carefree and spontaneous. "Great idea. Call everyone you know. There will be no bouncers tonight."

"Really?" She sounds surprised. Why does she sound so surprised? This is me, Ashley Kerwin, here. Everything I do, I do on a whim. I'm so freaking crazy!

"Of course really. You don't think I can put a party together in an hour, do you? Watch me."

My tone scares even me. I didn't want to be mean with Manny. I was just joking. But it didn't sound like a joke, did it? Should I apologize? The air is dead. Say something. Oh, God. "Right. Well, we'll be there at eight."

"I'll leave a bedroom open for you if you're not." I hang up quickly and erupt onto my couch in giggles. I can't believe I just said that to her. I'm so bad. I calm myself down to a dull roar and hold the phone out in front of me. In a little over an hour, I will have a party ready. And a damn good one.

An hour and forty five minutes later, I look over my party from my spot on the kitchen counter with pride. A sort of messed up, drunken pride, but pride nonetheless. Everyone that I love and almost everyone that I hate is having a great, uninhibited time. "Great party, Ash," I hear someone say very close behind me.

I jump a little and turn my head around. I'm so in shock that I'm surprised I don't jump a little more. "Thanks," I manage weakly.

He takes a step closer to me. I can smell his cologne, and it automatically brings tears to my eyes. I laugh them off and turn my head away. "Do you want to tell me why you're really leaving?" His voice pierces my drunken haze and causes me pain. The real kind of pain that's supposed to be nonexistent when you're this plastered. I want to crawl under my bed and never come out. Or go to New York to avoid ever hearing his voice again.

But all I do is smile. "Thanks for coming." My voice is like a weak animal's. If he wants, he'll prey on me and I'll be his victim. Just because he can. Because this is me, broken, and he's managed more strength than he's ever seen before.

"Are you mad at me or something?" He touches my arm lightly, and I can suddenly see through his act. It all comes back to me in that simple contact.

I didn't kill Toby. I wouldn't have even been out in the middle of nowhere if it wasn't for JT breaking my heart. JT being a fucking jerk off and not even listening when I poured every ounce of my heart out to him. JT not listening when I said I loved him. How could he do that? He needs to pay for what he did. He killed my brother. "And why shouldn't I be? You broke my heart. You deserted me when I needed you most. And now, you're fucking my ex-best friend. But you know what? I could forgive all of that instantly. We all make mistakes. But none of my mistakes took Toby's life. Your's did. You killed my brother. Where the hell do you come off coming back into this house, this house that you ruined, and asking me if I'm mad at you."

He's uneasy. More than that, he's very uncomfortable. No one's listening to me yet, but we both know I could make them listen. I could cause a scene. "Ashley, please, I didn't kill Toby."

"Then why is he dead JT? He's dead because you held a grudge. You couldn't stand that he loved me more than you ever could be man enough to. I made a mistake. I apologized so much. I told you. I didn't have to, but I did. Because I really thought that you would be there for me. But you couldn't stand it that I was dirty and I was used. But you know what? If you would've been Toby, you know we would've weathered the storm. You killed him because you weren't able to stand him loving me. Isn't that right, you creep?"

"Ashley, don't tell me you-"

I cut him off. "What? Hooked up with my step-brother? You're damn right I did. And it was good. It was so much better than you."

His face drops and I can tell, by this point, the rest of the party has stopped and is paying attention only to us and our juvenile fight. "You pervert," he mutters as he steps away from me slowly. "You dirty, dirty, pervert. You got together with your own brother?" He gags a little for effect. Such a drama queen. "That's disgusting, and perverted, and wrong. Excuse me. I need to go throw up."

I laugh and look around to see if any of my friends are laughing. Wasn't that funny? No one else is laughing. They're all staring at me. Was it wrong, what we did? It couldn't have been wrong. But, according to the faces of everyone staring back at me, it wasn't right. It couldn't have been right.

"_Slow things down or speed them up.  
Not enough or way too much.  
(And on and on and on)  
How are you when Im gone?"_

"Mr. Manning, you're looking well." I can tell she's lying. I haven't looked so run down in a long while. And coming from a pot addicted musician/photographer who's just been dumped and is broker than hell, that's saying something.

"Thanks."

"Want help?" She motions to my photographs.

"Love some, thanks."

She begins to pin up some of the photographs with clothes pins. "How's Kate?"

I laugh. I have to laugh. When all you do all day is cry, laughing's a great vacation. "She's... I have absolutely no fucking clue how she is."

"She's gone." It's a wonderfully cynical statement. I used to love Sam for her cynicism, but now I just want her to be compassionate.

"Very much gone. And I'm very much lost without her. Here, look at this picture. It's a dog. Do you see this? A fucking dog. I took a picture of a fucking dog. If that doesn't scream lack of inspiration, then I'm pretty sure the only that would is trees and a sunset."

She looks over my shoulder at the picture in question. "It's a pretty dog. Here, boy. Here, pretty doggie."

"Stop it."

"Well, Craig, if you really need inspiration that bad, why don't you come see me tonight?"

"Are you working tonight?"

"Well, I'm not very inspirational when I'm not working. You know the place?"

"Sammy, I can't. You know all that will happen is I'll fuck you then leave you and you'll be left crying for days because that's what always happens. I don't care about anyone. I don't care about hurting anyone."

"What about Kate?"

"That was a fluke. I'm serious. I won't give two shits about you in the morning."

"What are you saying, Mr. Manning? That you care more about your photographs than love?"

"My photographs are love."

"Come by anyways. One of the girls will take you home. How could she not? You're just so cute. Like a puppy." I miss home so much. I miss everyone who truly loved me. My photographs are love? I know what love is. It isn't some stripper who sells crack to get through art school. It isn't my photographs, either. Love is Toronto. Love is my family, my two dead children, Ashley. "Here boy," she says and kisses my neck right below my ear. I lean my head back and let her. If I'm not home, I guess this is the closest thing to love.

"_And I can't make it on my own,  
(And I can't make it on my own)  
Because my heart is in Toronto."_

She walks into the room and slams the door. I'm not even looking at her. If I was looking in her direction, I'm pretty sure all the tears in my eyes would make her blurry at best. Why am I crying over this? Why do I let her do this to me over and over?

"Don't do it," she warns.

"Do what?" I ask.

"Let her get to you. Cry over her. Forget about everyone else so you can go into a corner and mope about your poor life and poor fucking Ashley Kerwin and how she fucked you over this time. You don't think this effects anyone but yourself, do you? Well, it does. Here's your proof. I'm your proof."

"That's quite a speech."

She stops pacing and stares at me. She slowly lowers herself down next to me on the bed. "Why do I do this?"

"I don't know, Emma. Why do you do this?"

"Because I love you," she says suddenly, pulling my head upwards by my chin. "And I'm not going to let her ruin you like she does."

"She's your friend. How can you talk about her like that?"

"You're still sticking up for her, JT. After the hell she's put you through, you're still sticking up for her." She laughs humorlessly. "You went to a mental hospital because of her. She cheated on you with her own brother. She probably fucked him. She cheated on you how many times? And you're still defending her honor. Like she has any left to defend."

"Where were you, Emma? Getting knocked up by Craig Manning. Don't act all high and mighty. You're not better than her. You're no better than her!"

I can't believe my anger. My hostility just came to surface when really all I want to do is melt into her arms and cry. But Emma's not acting very comforting tonight, and I'm not going to put up with her insulting me or Ashley. She stands up slowly but doesn't move. "I can't be here anymore. I can't do this anymore."

"Do what?" I scoff. "There was no relationship. I could never be with somebody like you. I told you that from the beginning." I hate myself right now. To come out of this with some form of dignity, I will lie about any and all feelings I had for Emma. Emma, of all people. The girl who just lost her fucking child, and I'm rubbing it in her face. God, I'm a horrible person. But I can't stop now. "Just because you were fucking delusional doesn't mean that I was in love with you. I don't owe you anything."

Her voice is shaky. "You're just drunk. You just went through that whole ordeal with Ashley, and you're drunk. You don't mean any of this." She's saying it more for her own benefit than mine, but her voice cracks and I can feel the questioning that she's doing to herself.

I see a single tear slide down her cheek. "Jesus, Emma, don't." I didn't mean to make her cry. I stand up. I'm going to wrap my arms around her and apologize. Ashley was wrong for me. She shouldn't be controlling this relationship, too. She doesn't have that authority.

"Is this what you wanted?" Emma screams taking a step back from me. "Did you want to break someone as much as you're fucking broken? Because it worked, yes, it worked. Look at me." I put my head down as she thrusts her arms open. "Look at what you've done. As if I wasn't fucked up enough already, you have me crying."

This time I push past her resistence and manage to wrap my arms around her. "Don't cry too much. I don't want you to run out of tears. I'm sure I'll be giving you a lot more grief in the near future, so you might want to save them."

She manages a slight laugh, and I don't mind her tears soaking into my shirt. She looks up into my eyes and I fully understand now what I do. Her eyes reflect all the sadness and misery that her short 18 years have had to endure, and I just add to it. I should leave. But as I hold her in my arms and promise her I'm never going anywhere, I know I can't just leave her. Never mind the everlasting emotional effect it would have on her, but what about me?

"_So cut my wrists and black my eyes.  
(Cut my wrists and black my eyes)  
So I can fall asleep tonight or die,  
Because you kill me."_

I see him push his way past a few of the drunk grade 10's in front of us. Why did Ashley invite so many people? She must be off her meds or something. "Can I talk to Paige?" he asks to my human barrier, Jay Hogart.

"I don't think so," he answers calmly but sternly.

Sean rolls his eyes. "I just want to talk, dude. Five minutes."

"Fuck. Off."

Jay's bared teeth are inches away from Sean's nose. Why is Sean wanting to talk to me? All issues seemed rather resolved by Jay's fist and Sean's skull. Sean looks over Jay's shoulder and addresses me. "Paige?"

"Hi," I say shyly. This is awkward.

"Cameron, you're really starting to piss me off."

I touch Jay's arm. "It's okay, Jay. I can handle myself." I mean it, too. I'm not the dumb grade 9 who got raped in the dark bedroom of some random party. I'm a mature, confident woman. I think.

"Are you sure?" he whispers into my hair right above my ear. He brushes a few stray strands out of my face.

"I so love you," I blurt out. I immediately bring my hand to my mouth and cover it. The first time I said it was like this? But then I start to laugh. I laugh into my hand, and he laughs with me.

"I love you, too," he says sweetly. "You're crazy."

"I am crazy! But I guess it's a good thing, eh? Can I say it again?"

"Go for it."

"I love you."

I smile at him again before disappearing into the crowd with Sean. "I'm glad I caught you in a good mood," he yells over the music and conversations around us.

"Cool," I answer. "Where are we going?"

He leads me outside. I welcome the summer air blowing around me and kicking up some loose pieces of clothing. I sit on a nearby bench and Sean sits across from me. "So, did you see that JT/Ashley debacle?" he asks, making polite conversation.

I shake my head and bite my lip. "Can't say I did. We must not have been here yet. Was it brutal?"

"Ashley started rambling about how she hooked up with Toby, if that's what you mean by brutal."

I nod nonchalantly. I guess if you want to tell how mature I've become, you just look at this conversation. Sean's giving me some of the juiciest gossip Toronto's ever seen, and I really don't care. It's not that I don't care that Sean's the one telling me; it's that I don't care period. It's her life, and who am I to judge or even care about what she does?

"So," he says, taking a cue that I'm not in a gossipy mood, "how are you?"

"I'm sorry for being so blunt, but could you tell me why we're out here? If you didn't know, I told my boyfriend I loved him just a few minutes ago, and I'd like to go be in love with him."

"Just give me a second. I've been doing a lot of thinking lately, about everything, and I just wanted to say that if I had it to do all over again, I would take back our relationship. I know it just caused us nothing but pain, and it was a double rebound in the worst way."

"That's all you think it was? A lot of pain?"

I stand up and walk quickly back into the party. He calls my name, but my retreating figure won't give him the satisfaction of chewing him out.

"_Because you kill me,  
You know you do, you kill me well.  
You like it too, and I can tell.  
You never stop until my final breath is gone."_

"That was an, um, interesting revelation," I say as Ashley spills onto her front porch where I sat with my arm protectively around Manny's shoulders.

She manages a slight laugh. "No one got the joke."

"The joke?" Manny asks, nestling into the crook in my arm that seemed, from the start, made for her.

Ashley collapses into the swing and sighs. "You don't actually believe I hooked up with Toby? Manny, heavens to Betsy, he was my step brother. And he's dead. Don't talk about him like that."

She gives me an odd look. "Well, I didn't think I, per say, said anything about you two..."

Ashley drums her fingers on her leg. "No no, I'm just taking everything more serious than it is. You're right. You're very much right, actually. I shouldn't have said that to an audience I didn't want to hear it."

"So you and Toby..." I start.

"Didn't hook up. God, I really went off the deep end."

"If you don't mind me asking, why would you say that you hooked up with Toby if nothing happened?" I ask.

"I don't know. I was drunk. Why did I accuse JT of killing Toby? Because I'm a stupid, selfish little girl."

"That's not true," Manny says, but she doesn't try hard to be convincing.

We sit in silence as I stroke some of the loose ends of Manny's hair. I nod towards Ashley's car parked in the driveway. "Is your car all packed up?" I ask.

"What? My car? Oh no, I'm not taking it."

"Oh."

"New Yorkers don't drive cars! At least, I don't think they do."

"Did you ask Craig?" Manny asks.

I elbow her lightly in the ribs. When she turns around I mouth 'Manny!' but she just shrugs.

Ashley laughs at our interaction. "I don't talk to Craig really. At all."

"Oh, um, I thought you did."

Ashley kind of bites her lip and looks at me. Sensing everyone's awkwardness, I decide to take it upon myself to change the subject. "So, is your dad taking you to the airport tomorrow?"

"No. I won't be seeing him tonight or tomorrow at all. I'm actually taking a cab. My first true New York thing done in Toronto. Oh, the irony."

"Well, no, don't take a cab," Manny says.

Ashley laughs in a scoffing manner, about to say something about not having a choice, when I interrupt. "Yeah, don't take a cab. I'll drive you tomorrow."

Ashley's head cocks to the side. "Are you serious?"

"As a heart attack."

She smiles at me and nods her head twice. "Thanks. That's great. Really, really cool of you, Spin."

"So are you down?" I ask, tapping Manny's elbow.

"Going shopping with my mom all day tomorrow."

"Can't you get out of it?" I whine.

"No," she says sharply. Then, she climbs on me a little more until her lips reach my ears. "Dress shopping," she whispers.

I look down into her eyes and give a heartfelt smile. I kiss her check numerous times repeating "I love you" with each interval. I look up smiling at Ashley, because that's what I do. I look to other people to share my own joy. But Ashley's not looking back, she's looking at the door. The porch light illuminates her face in such a way that I can see a single tear making its way down her cheek. "Ash?" I say in a voice like a whisper.

Her head snaps towards me quickly. "Yea?" she asks wiping the tear from her cheek and managing a slight smile.

"What's wrong, honey?" Manny asks.

A new wave of fresh tears invades her eyes, and Manny looks up at me with guilt or sadness or both. "Keep it. Keep your love forever. It's real, and it's true, and it's pure. I had something once that was love, but I let it get away. And for once, I'm not talking about JT."

She stands up and goes back into the party. I just look at Manny with my eyebrows raised. "Who was she talking about then?" I finally ask.

"Beats me," she answers before kissing me again. "But we should take her advice."

"_Spare me just three last words,  
I love you is all she heard.  
I'll wait for you, but I can't wait forever."_

"JT!" She says my name so loud and demanding that my head snaps up from the bottle of warm beer that I have been nursing all night because I'm scared. Her voice makes me turn into a frightened little boy. God, I love her.

"Hey there Em," I say, offering her the chair next to me.

She shakes her head no. "I think we should get going, actually. It's after two."

I check my watch, and it only works to confirm what the omnipotent Emma has already told me. "Yea, shit, I didn't realize. Okay, you driving?" She glances at my beer bottle. "I only had one."

"One's enough."

I toss her the keys. She stalks out of the party, and I follow at her heels. But she's stopped paying attention to me in general. We get into the car, and she lets me fiddle with the dial. Which is quite necessary, considering she'd have us drive in the most uncomfortable awkward silence. "Are you mad at me?" I finally get the courage to ask by the third traffic light.

"We'll talk about it tomorrow."

I shift slightly in my seat. "What are you mad about?" I ask with a twinge of blame.

"I don't think we should start a relationship. I think that's a bad idea, and maybe later, but definitely not now. I'm not mad. I just needed to tell you that."

Her words were an attack on my emotions, and she didn't stop. Each one was more brutally painful than the last. Her calm demeanor laughs at me, telling me that I never meant anything. Not for a single second. "Why?" I manage to finally choke out.

"To tell you the truth, JT, I don't even know you. I don't know that boy who was in there talking to Ashley. So I gave you time to cool off, think about things. And then I see you in the room, and you lash out at me? As if I did something wrong? I don't know you, and I can't do this, go into this, with someone I don't know."

"You're my oldest friend," I say, placing my hand on her elbow. "Em, I love you."

She jerks my arm away. "I'm driving," she says as she wipes a stray tear off of her face.

I turn and look out the window at the blackened scenery like shadows of the world. This whole night is a shadow of a dream, nothing real about it. I slide down in my seat, attempting drunkenly to melt into it. When did I get so drunk? I wasn't drunk when I left the party. That bitch made me drunk with her cynicism and her plaguing anger. I put my hand up to my forehead and attempt to massage my temples. She's not a bitch. I just love her, I guess. I always find the perfect ones to fall in love with, right?

She takes a deep breath as she pulls into my driveway. I can almost hear the tension she's placed on herself. "I'm not mad. And I'm not, I didn't want to do what I just did. I want us to be together again, because I can't see myself coming out of this whole mess that is my life with anyone but you. So, friends?" I nod slowly. I hold out my hand for her to shake, but she leans over and hugs me instead. "I'll come back in the morning. With your car."

"If you make it a little later, I'll buy you lunch for your troubles."

She smiles and nods. I hold my fist up to her face and punch her lightly, in a 'goodbye-chum' sort of way. She giggles as I make my way out of my car.

"_Spare me just three last words.  
I love you is all she heard.  
I'll wait for you but I cant wait forever."_

I roll my arm over to her side of the bed and try to grab a hold of her. It was an odd dream, the one I just had. I was in a room with some hooker, a seedy motel room with a few used syringes littering the floor. I could tell by this girl's reaction that she was getting impatient waiting for her money, and I was too fucked up to do anything. She paced around, threatening me with all kinds of obscenities, and I just laughed. When I thought she couldn't take it anymore and was about to get her pimp on my ass, Ash comes in and pays the girl. Then she comes and lays next to me. Like no big deal, I just appeared out of nowhere and paid your prostitute, now I love you again.

I run my hands over the sheets without opening my eyes, trying to confirm that she's really gone without looking. When I finally do get the energy to open my eyes, I see her standing a few feet away from the bed with her back turned, putting in earrings. "Sammy?" I call.

She turns around and smiles at me. She's still naked, not trying to hide from me, being totally open. I pull the sheets up to my chin. "I start at 9."

"You work tonight?" I ask in between yawns.

"I told you that." She turns back to her mirror.

"That's the last time I do anything like that."

"Anything like what?"

"Sleeping with you."

"Harsh," she answers quickly.

"I gave up lying. For lent."

"It's June and you're not Christian."

I lean back against the propped up pillows. "Yes, I am. I'm Roman Catholic. My mom-she was. And, I don't know, it's all I knew."

"Oh," she says while putting on a dark shade of lipstick. "You always gave me the Jewish vibe."

"I get that a lot. It's the hair."

"The hair, eh?" She turns around and starts to climb next to me on the bed.

I jump out of bed and stand next to it in all of my God-given glory. "I need to leave."

She crawls to the side of the bed nearest me. "Someone wants to stay." I look down. Shit. I pull on my boxers. She turns over on the bed and begins to scrape stuff out from underneath her fingernails. "You'll come back. They always do."

My hands are shaking so I shove them together and blow on them to keep them warm. "I need to get out of here," I repeat. "Who the hell am I? Who the hell comes into town and just fucks everything up as bad as I do? This isn't who I am. I feel like a character in a poorly written story who's just screaming to be made back into himself. I loved my girlfriend. I was going to marry her. And then I come down here, and I'm anti-commitment Craig, the stranger with your bed notch. I need to do something. I need to leave."

She bores holes into my head with her eyes. "You are seriously fucked up."

I put my pants on and grab my coat. "I'll take that as my cue to leave."

"_And I can't make it on my own,  
(And I can't make it on my own)  
Because my heart is in Toronto."_

I look over as Ashley dry swallows two more pills. "Didn't you take some before we left?" I ask.

She turns her head a few degrees and glares at me. "I'm hung over, and I'm about to get on a flight to a foreign country. Give me a break or two here, Spin."

I sigh and turn my attention back to the road. "Whatever."

She seems genuinely upset that I'm acting pissy. She shifts her body in the seat so that she's positioned a little closer to me. "Thanks for the ride and everything. I know it was your day off."

"No problem. Manny had a thing, and I'd just be playing some D rate video game right now. Greatest summer ever."

"Good. You deserve it. You're so grown up now. I love the new Spinner. He's so mature."

Me? Mature? "You must've missed the part when I told you that I would be playing video games." She laughs. Lame, Spin. Real lame. "So did you hear about JT and Emma?"

"No, what about JT and Emma?"

"Apparently, after your little confrontation, JT broke down and told her he loved her and all that jazz. And I guess they got together for, like, an hour before Emma sobered up and realized that he defended you like crazy, and apparently she thought he shouldn't have. So they broke up again."

"All in one night?" she asks. I nod. We sit in a silence that's only salvation is the thin rhythm of a once good but destroyed by overexposure song coming through the radio. "So," she says, breaking the comfortable silence.

"So," I answer, looking over into her eyes and smiling.

"What's going to go down in the T-O while I'm gone, do you think?"

"Well, gangsta byotch Ash, I think the T-O will be, pretty much, dead as always."

"Do you think you'll be staying with Manny once school starts up? Big school, lots of girls, even if you don't mean to, you might make a mistake."

"Well, actually, there's something I wanted to talk to you about."

"You want to break up, Spin?" Why would she say that? Why would she think that? Why does she say that with such an air of righteousness?

"No, nothing like that. Actually, kind of the opposite. I asked her to marry me. And she said yes."

I keep my eyes on the road, but I can practically hear Ashley's face drop. "Congratulations," she says enthusiastically after a few seconds' delay. "You two are perfect for each other. So perfect."

"Thanks. But, you're coming right? I mean, a party isn't a party without a wild Ashley Kerwin ripping up the dance floor. And I'm sure Manny will ask you to be a part of whatever bridal party or whatever they have. You have to come."

"Of course I'll come."

"Good." I go on some more about the wedding and the planning and how it's driving me bonkers already and we've barely told anyone. It's good to finally have someone to talk to about this. But Ash doesn't seem that into it. At all, really. She actually looks kind of distant. "Are you alright?" I ask, interrupting my speech about how I don't care what kind of fish we serve, since I hate fish altogether.

"You know, before you told me about the marriage plans, I was going to do something really stupid. I was going to kiss you, or something like that. And I figured, what will it matter? I'm leaving anyways. But I had this fantasy that you would leave Manny for me. And you know what? I don't really know why. I don't have this huge crush on you. It just seemed right. I would finally be getting back at Manny for Craig, and somehow be getting back at Emma and JT, too, I thought. But, I can't believe I would even think that."

My head pounds. She was going to kiss me? God, I mean, I noticed her distance, but I never thought it was because of that. I thought that she was just pissed off that she didn't have her own boyfriend/lap dog of the week. I sigh deeply. "What do you want me to say?"

"That you're happy with her. That you're making the right decision, thereby affirming that my decision, also, is right."

"She makes me want to be a better man. I've finally found someone who makes life make sense. Fuck the cliches, man, the colors shine brighter, and the world is always smiling on me when I'm with her. I hope that's really what you wanted to hear."

She smiles and a single tear rolls down her cheek. "Definitely."

"_So cut my wrists and black my eyes._

_(Cut my wrists and black my eyes)  
So I can fall asleep tonight or die,  
Because you kill me.  
You know you do, you kill me well.  
You like it too, and I can tell.  
You'll never stop until my final breath is gone."_

I set my bags down on the grimy floor and leaned in for what is sure to be a marvelously awkward hug. True to my gut, it doesn't disappoint as his hand clumsily pats my back. "Thanks for the lift."

"Thanks for- Ashley. Thanks for everything."

He holds me out at arm's length with his other hand stuffed into his pocket. "You know what we look like, don't you?" I ask, looking around at the arrival/departure screens and the hideous carpeting under the same patterned chairs at each of the gates.

"What do we look like?"

"Departing lovers, lost in a sea of their own thoughts. Seems fitting, doesn't it?"

It doesn't seem fitting. Just say that it does. Humor me, please. No one seems to be doing that anymore. I love it when they humor me. "Perfectly fitting."

"I'm doing it," I say, finally free from his grip, and looking around on my own free will.

"You doubted that you would?"

"Every day since the announcement. Every day since we buried my brother."

"Oh," he shifts his gaze to his shoes as he awkwardly sways his weight from one side to the other and back again. I watch him, unsure of what to do next. Do I walk away? Does he? He seems to notice the tension as well. "I wish I could carry your bags and see you off at the gate."

"Don't worry about it. I'll call." I pick up my bags and start towards the gate. I turn my head around once to say a magnificent farewell to my hometown, and he's still standing there. Catching my eye, he lifts his hand in a wave. I wink to him and keep walking. I'm really doing this.

"_So cut my wrists(you) and black my eyes(kill).  
My final breath is gone(me)..(WELL)  
And I cant make it on my own,  
Because my heart is in Toronto."_


	12. Only One

**I Need You So Much Closer**

**Chapter 12 (The End): Only One**

My eyes open against the objections of the crust that has formed a barrier on my lids. The blue glare of my alarm clock taunts me. Shouldn't Emma be here by now?

I shuffle down a small hallway and almost collapse, saved from the cold tile by my tight grip on the bathroom sink. I splash water on my unshaven face, glance at my razor, and decide against it. It's too early and I'm too hungover to shave.

I take my morning piss and groggily wash my hands off. Passing by my mom's bedroom on the way to the stairs, I hear her heavy passed-out-from-alcohol-induced snores. I try my best to ignore them as I head down the stairs and straight for my pantry. I sprawl out liberally on my couch as I wait for my cherry pop-tarts to pop. A horribly dry Christian talk show assaults my senses as two Southern-accented "brothers" discuss a young woman who was "saved" only a few weeks ago. As I head for my now-overtoasted pop-tarts, all I can think is how one of these preaching Baptist types should save Ashley.

Realizing that I'm not as hungry as I thought I was, I throw one of the blackened tarts away and start to nibble on the other one as I walk out the kitchen door. The door protests my moving it, but it eventually gives way, almost taking me down. I stumble down my walk, wearing the same old jeans and Back in Black t-shirt that I've had on for six days, simply throwing button downs on over top whenever I'm around people.

I decide to walk towards Emma's, take in as much of the nice weather as I can, and hope to God it somehow alleviates my hangover. I run a hand through my dirty, overgrown hair and don't even bother to sidestep patches of mud; my shoes can't get much dirtier. I wonder when I got taller than Emma? God... that must make me, well, if I have a few inches on her, I must be brushing against six feet. That's crazy.

I veer into the grass to avoid the green jeep parked at the edge of my road. A small note attached to the door catches my attention and thrusts me out of my thoughts. I take a step back as I realize that I own a green jeep, and that this, in fact, is my green jeep. My initials, JT, are hastily scrawled on the folded part of the note facing me, so I rip it off the car. Emma... I could kill her.

I rip the tape off and try to stab it into a ball before throwing it on the grass, doing my part to kill the environment. Little Emma would be proud. I open the note and read in a lightly pressed font:

_"I don't want this to be the end, but I just can't do this right now. I love you, and you know that, but you have so much Ashley you need to purge out of yourself before you can do this. It has nothing to do with last night. Please don't be mad. Your keys are in the glove compartment._

_-Em"_

I ball the note up and punch my palm against the top of my car. Fuck Emma. Fuck this. Ashley? This is about Ashley? **I LEFT ASHLEY**. For once in my life, I took some initiative, and I dumped her. And she cried and she was miserable because she knew she couldn't control me anymore. And I go to Emma, perfectly fucked up Emma, and I hope, for once, to be understood, and I get a note attached to my car parked, illegally mind you, at the end of my street? That is fucking bullshit. Don't be mad? I'm not mad. I'm irate. I'm at the point where I won't be able to look at the blonde Queen of the World without gagging in my mouth. That bitch. That stupid cunt. I can't even begin to believe this.

The worst part is... she's so fucking right, too. Like always. Yea, I need Ashley rehab. I need them to detoxify me of her. I can't think of anything but her, and how she must've fucked Toby right under my nose, and how she's played me ever since I fell for her, the first time. I can't just forget Ashley. I want Ashley. But I love Emma. I love that stupid little bitch, as right as she is.

"_Broken, this fragile thing now  
And I can't, I can't pick up the pieces__  
And I've thrown my words all around__  
But I can't, I can't give you a reason"_

I see her blonde hair at the counter, so I make a u-turn and walk into the restaurant. I prop myself up on a stool two away from her, but she doesn't see me. I order a Pepsi to the middle aged Dolly Parton-look-a-like behind the counter, and as soon as she hears my voice, Paige whips her head around.

"What are you doing here, Sean?" she asks, her voice not quite as bitter and hateful as I had expected, but not a basket of roses, either.

I point out the window to nothing. "I was walking by, and I saw you, and I thought it a pity to see anyone eat lunch alone. Especially someone as beautiful as yourself."

"You know I'm not a sucker for a sweet talker."

"Can I sit next to you?" She shrugs and moves her purse. I graciously take what I can get and I slide my Pepsi, and then my body, to the seat next to her. "Uh, well, actually, it's good that I caught you, then. I'm leaving tomorrow." Her eyebrows raise and she takes a drink of her vanilla milkshake. "I'm going home."

"Where's home?"

"Wasaga."

"And my brother? Are you just leaving him like you left me?"

I tap my thumb on the counter nervously. "Your brother asked me to leave. We're not together anymore. He's with. . .he has a new boyfriend, I guess. Oh well. What goes around comes around. I deserve it; I know I do."

She laughs a little under her breath. "Who's my brother's latest conquest?"

"An old conquest revisited, actually."

She laughs a little louder now. "You don't mean Marco, do you?"

"I do."

"Oh, that's too good."

I take a long drink from my Pepsi. "Hopefully they'll be happy this time. They'll be at the same school, both at the UofT, hopefully it works out for them."

"Do you mean that?"

"I don't know." I look out the window, longing to be anywhere else. "Things between us will never be OK, will they?"

She shakes her head 'no' slowly. "You know what, Sean? They should've never been OK to begin with. We don't have anything in common, you know that. And besides my little Emma-Nelson-like-crusade of falling in love with the bad boy, there's no reason we should've dated. I love Jay. It might sound crazy, but I do. But you don't actually think we'll make it, and I don't really, either. I'm going away to college, and he's starting to work as a mechanic. I love him, and I don't want to leave him, but if it falls apart like we did, if I realize we have nothing in common, I will."

"Don't leave anyone you love."

"I'm not planning on it."

I polish off my Pepsi and put down a few crumpled dollar bills. "I'm sorry I hurt you."

"I know," she says without making eye contact.

"Goodbye, Paige."

"Later Sean."

"_I feel so broken up (so broken up),  
And I give up (I give up),__  
I just want to tell you, so you know."_

"This is historic lasagna, Mrs. Santos." I lick my fork clean in appreciation.

"Why, thank you, Gavin."

"So you're not pregnant again?" Manny's dad rudely asks his daughter who almost spits up her mouthful of food.

"Daddy! There's guests in the house."

"Well, I'm sure they'd like to know, too."

"No, sir," I chime in as I can tell Manny is far too uncomfortable, "she's not pregnant. We're in love, and I want to spend the rest of my life with her. Children, if we do decide to have them, are going to be way, way in the future. I haven't even started college yet."

"And she hasn't finished high school, you do realize."

"We do, daddy, that's why we're not getting married until after I graduate and start at UT."

"That's pretty presumptuous, sweetheart," he says with biting sarcasm. "You haven't even applied to the University, let alone been accepted."

My mom gives me a sideways glance. She knew it would be awkward tonight, but she thought it would be because she and my dad would be in the same room again. She had no idea Manny's parents would be like this. "My son says Manuella received top scores this year," she says, trying to alleviate some tension.

"Well, she did. But she had a rough start at Degrassi and they like to look at all of your grades for admission. That's my alma mater. I know," Mr. Santos continues. No wonder Manny wants to leave her family so bad. Her dad is a prick.

An uncomfortable and highly noticeable silence falls over the room. Finally, Manny's mom breaks it. "Do you like the pudding, Gavin?"

"Very much."

"It's a family recipe, you know. Most kids never have warm pudding."

"Well, I'm one of the lucky ones, that's for sure." She beams.

"I can tell one thing," my mom says towards Mrs. Santos, "my son has never smiled as much as when Manny is around." She looks at me and I raise my eyebrows. "I don't mean to embarrass you, Gavin, but it's true, isn't it?"

I look at Manny and hold her gaze. "It's definitely true."

Manny's dad takes a deep breath and clanks his fork down on his plate. "What's your major going to be, Gavin?"

"Business, sir," I say.

"Business, huh? That's a good major. A good, stable career."

"Not the way this market's acting," my dad retorts quickly.

Mr. Santos turns slightly towards my dad, registering his presence for the first time all night. My mom looks embarrassed already. "Well, I wouldn't know. What kind of career are you in, Mike?"

"I'm an lawyer. A lawyer for a food corporation downtown."

"Sounds like a good job."

"It's new. I used to be pro bono, but that didn't keep a steady paycheck." My mom clinches her jaw, but my dad doesn't see. This had been a huge issue in my house for months. My mom thought my dad was "selling out" but my family just couldn't live on her income alone anymore. Eventually, though, she found out most of his motives involved his new boss who, consequently, just became my new step mom. Oh, the drama.

Our fathers get into an animated discussion about the stock market and our mothers begin to clean up, so we slip away. I sit on her bed and she sits at her computer, double clicking the mouse four or five times until some generic, boring pop song comes on. I love the girl, but I hate her taste in music.

"We're really doing this, aren't we?" she asks after a few seconds.

"If you want to."

"Mrs. Manny Mason. Ahh! So many M's, so little time."

"It's better than this chick my cousin knew. She became Andi Anderson."

"That is bad. I'd keep my own last name if that happened."

"Manny, if I don't make a lot of money at first..."

"Spin, I don't need a lot of money. I just need you and your fidelity and love. With that, we'll make it through anything. Some people may call me naive for saying that, but I believe it."

I grab her hand. "I believe it, too."

"_Here I go, scream my lungs out and try to get to you;  
You are my only one.__  
I'd let go, but there's just no one that gets me like you do;__  
You are my only, my only one."_

I'm not sure how I let myself get so decrepit. I've been thinking about this for four hours as I roam the streets of Manhattan, and that's the best word I can think of for my mental state: entirely decrepit. I used to be smart! I used to have a life, and friends, and love! I did, I swear to God I did! I used to have a Mom, I used to have a Dad, I still have a Joey and an Angela even though I haven't thought enough to phone them in a few weeks. Oh, but the big city life, the college scholarship, it all seduced me here: into my own nothingness. My spiritual, my emotional, my intellectual selves have all died. The only part that is left, ironically enough, is my physical self. The one part I haven't attempted to rid myself of because that would be it. The end. But maybe one out of four isn't good enough.

I've been sitting on the steps of St. Joseph's Roman Catholic Church for an hour now. It's beautiful, you know, in that classical sort of way. It's Gothic buttresses will haunt my dreams, they have for awhile even though I've never seen the place before. I hate that I know all about it from my teacher's lectures; I want, for once, to be introduced to something not as a thing of beauty or despairing beauty(for, in fact, isn't everything a thing of beauty, if you consider both natural and despairing beauty), but just as whatever it is. Take, for example, this church. Why can't I just see this church as a church? Why must it be St. Joseph's Roman Catholic Church with the intense Gothic architecture copied from some of the more famous Cathedrals in France? A homeless man walks up a few steps and approaches me slowly. A few feet away, he asks for spare change. I reach in my back pocket, rearing to give him a couple wrinkled bills, but I tell him to get away as soon as I remember that I'm dirt broke, have been for awhile.

When he persists, and even calls me "son," I run quickly into the sanctity of the building. It's eerily quiet, like a book, like all books (I read that somewhere, but it's not worth it to try to think where I read it, I no longer read), and I very suddenly realize that I haven't heard the sound of quiet in far too long. I duck into a pew a few ahead of and on the opposite side of the only other occupant, an 80+ year old women praying the Rosary with shaky fingers. I wish I had a Rosary; it seems I've forgotten how to pray. I don't know whether to kneel or not (the old woman isn't, but then again, she might not be able to, she's pretty old), but I figure God can hear me from wherever I am. If I remember this correctly, all I have to do is start talking in my head, and that's praying. Alright. Here goes.

I don't expect enlightenment; I don't expect much of anything. I'm in here by chance; I'm in here because I can't think of any other place to be. I'm lost. I'm so, so lost. And I'm starting to think that maybe it's because I don't believe in anything. I don't. I've never really believed in myself, but I've believed in Ashley and in Emma and in my two unborn children; I've believed they could save me. But maybe that was wishful thinking. I've had love and I've lost love but I've never had You, God, not really. I mean, when I was really little, Mom and I would go to Church and I would leave during the Homily for Bible School and come back to her right after Communion. And, I mean, I've been baptized and I've had my First Communion and my First Reconciliation and everything I need in order to "have" You. Mom died before I received my Confirmation, should I do that? Should I confirm my faith? That's planning a wedding before finding the girl, though, right? I should do this first. I should focus and I should tell You that I do need You, really need You, now more than ever, probably, and I know enough that even though I'm fucked up, I'm sorry, not good, You'll take me back because I'm a lost lamb or something, right? I think so. Should I talk to a priest? I don't know if I want to be converted on the spot. I think I'd like to wait a day or two, if You don't mind. I'm sorry if I'm no good at this. I should apologize, shouldn't I? Alright, I'm sorry for hurting You and straying from You and blaming You when my mom died and using it as an excuse to stop going to Church. I've been defiling this body You gave to me, and I know You know, but I thought telling You might help because I do admit that I did it and I do admit that it's wrong. It was just so hard, You know? Down here alone, when all of my friends and Ashley and Emma and everyone was in Toronto, but I wanted to be here, I thought. I mean, New York is great. The opportunities here are endless, but how many more times will I mess up if I keep going on the path that I'm on? I don't want to do this anymore. I don't want to cry myself to sleep or have sex with any more women because I'm too lonely and I need to fix myself before I'll feel happy. I know. I want this. I want You. I want to sit in the second pew during every mass every Sunday and I want to find a Church woman who can feel for me and I want to get married to her in an afternoon ceremony. I want Joey and Angela to be able to watch, and then I want to have kids. I almost did, twice, but I want to have them this time, and I want them to be beautiful and healthy and happy with You. That's all I really had to say. Thank You for listening. I'll come back tomorrow, if You'll still be here, and I'll tell you how my day went, if You want to listen. And I'll talk to a priest tomorrow, too. We'll be good. We'll get through this.

That was the healthiest thing I've done since coming to New York.

"_Made my mistakes, let you down,  
And I can't, I can't hold on for too long.__  
Ran my whole life in the ground,__  
And I can't, I can't get up when you're gone."_

Heading into the terminal at JFK, I suddenly feel nostalgic for a memory that actually does not exist: through the haze of New York foot traffic, I see the figure of a lanky young man running towards me, his curly hair flopping with each step he takes. His leather jacket clings to his skin in the 60° atmosphere of the building, and his jeans are ripped, not for fashion purposes but because the material hasn't survived the rusted metal and harried brick baths he's given them inadvertently since moving to the City. He waves and calls out to me from fifty feet away, and I raise my eyes in anticipation. When he reaches me, his calloused hands engulf my own and he lifts me off the ground in greeting. He puts me down just to hurriedly exclaim how much he has missed me and how much he loves me.

However, the immediate hustle and bustle of the city makes me leave my daydreams at the gate. I walk, alone, through the terminal until I reach Baggage Claim. It seems I beat my luggage down here, so I sit on a gray chair in a corner and pull out a book. It's a James Joyce novel that I was asked to read for my Lit Class. Close to fifteen minutes later, my bag finally arrives and I heave it to the curb and start to hail a cab. Oh, my first day in New York.

My new roommate meets me on the ground floor of our apartment building. She introduces herself as Natalie Parker, a beautiful girl taller than even me by an inch or two, who immediately hoists one of my bags over my shoulder without asking. I love her already.

We take the steps to the third floor, where we walk down a small hallway. She stops in front of 3C and brushes her long, light blonde hair out of her face as she fishes for her keys. "The place is great," she starts to explain as she lodges the key and unlocks the door, "but the neighborhood is not great. Well, you'll find that a lot in the city. But you always have to lock up. I already made you a key," we enter the decently sized apartment, "here, it's on the kitchen counter."

"This is really nice," I say as we head into my bedroom. "Wow, there's a bed already?"

"Oh!" she says as she turns from the closet where she was putting my bag down. "I forgot to tell you. We had an extra mattress and box springs from my sister, and my mom said as long as you're staying, you're welcome to them. If you don't like them, of course, we can get rid of them and you can get your own..."

"Are you kidding? This is great. Thank you, and thank your mom, so much."

"So, Christian's coming over tonight, and he's bringing a few friends. Not a lot, not like a huge thing, but just a little thing. Oh, Christian's my boyfriend, but if you don't like him, don't worry, he probably won't be around much longer. Oh, do you drink?"

"Not anymore, but it's totally fine if you do."

"That's so fucking noble. I love it. Love it entirely." Ha. Me, noble? Awesome. Such a lie, such a boldfaced lie.

"Well, I need to do some shopping today," I say after a silence fell upon us. "Anything you need for the apartment? I'll be glad to pick it up."

"Um, oh, nothing I can think of. Just grab yourself whatever you'd want to eat because we're all pretty much on liquid diets around here."

"Oh right. Okay." I grab the keys sitting on the kitchen counter. "I should be back. . .soon. You have my cell number, right?"

"Somewhere around here. Go, go! Live, enjoy the city!"

I walk out quickly. That is the last time I let Paige find me a roommate.

"_And something's breaking up (breaking up),  
I feel like giving up (like giving up),__  
I won't walk out until you know. . ."_

I sit down in first period Media Immersions and toy with the idea of bailing out on school for the day. If I didn't still love him, that would be one thing, and easy, but the fact that I still do want him and need him and love him is a different prospect entirely and it's making my throat dry. However, I don't think anyone, my step father included, would like me skipping out on my first day of classes for grade 12.

He walks in three seconds after the bell sounds and ducks into a seat in the back of the room. He looks good. Damn good, and I don't know why I told him I didn't want to date him. When did he get so tall? He's probably almost as tall as Craig now. It's sexy.

But sex is never something I did well. In fact, I screwed it up enough to get a baby out of it. A dead baby. Those were good times. Except by 'good times' I of course mean 'worst times of my life.' But whatever. The devil's in the details.

I catch him as he's walking out of class. I tap his shoulder and pull him to the side of our retreating classmates. "What is it, Emma?" he asks as he shrugs my hand off his shoulder.

"I just thought we could talk."

"About what?" he says, looking around the halls.

"Well, I guess, us..."

"Emma, what is there to talk about? You don't love me, or you can't handle a relationship, or you just want to be friends. Whatever, I get it." He starts to walk away without letting me get in a word.

"JT!" I scream a little louder than necessary. He stops and turns. "I love you."

The phrase hangs over us and the entire hallway has turned to look at us. "I don't have any idea what that's supposed to mean, Emma."

I take a step towards him and he holds his ground. "It means that I'm a dumbass. It means that I dumped the only person who I could ever fall in love with. It means that I'm going to do anything I can to get you back and that includes larceny and assault with a deadly weapon. It means that I'm not giving up, so if you gave up back in June, I suggest that you un-give up and you start to love me again because I'm not going anywhere and damnit, you can't make me."

"We tried, Emma. We really did."

"We didn't put any effort into it."

He finally smiles. For once, he smiles. "I thought you never wanted to speak to me again."

"Oh, there was a time there when I didn't. But I do now. And I can't guarantee that tomorrow I'll be too keen on you. But as much as we fight, we're always going to be in love. And no one can deny that, least of all you. You love me, James Tiberious Yorke. You love me almost as much as I love you. I can see it in your eyes. Now you give us a fighting chance, and we'll make this work. I promise you that."

"You are all about the goddamn speeches today. Emma, I'm not fighting you. I'm all for us getting back together."

I stand silent. "Oh," I finally say. "I had a few more speeches planned."

"I'd love to hear them someday. But not today. Let's just go to second period."

I finally realized then that the crowd had thinned, and we were standing alone in the hallway. "We're late, aren't we?"

"The bell rang sometime during you assaulting someone with a deadly weapon."

I laugh and he wraps his arms around my shoulders. "Curling irons can be deadly if used the right way."

"Sure they can, Nelson, sure they can."

"_Here I go, scream my lungs out and try to get to you,  
You are my only one.__  
I'd let go, but there's just no one who gets me like you do,__  
You are my only, my only one."_

When did it become that I, Paige Michalchuk, became the person with the most normal relationship I know? Spinner and Manny are fucking nuts. They're not even old enough to buy a lottery ticket legally and they're getting married. It's asinine. It's. . .their choice. But, still, it's a damn stupid one.

I'm not living with my boyfriend. I'm not thinking about living with my boyfriend anytime soon. As a matter of fact, I would kill my boyfriend if I had to live with him. But the crazy thing happens to be that it's crazy to not be rushing my relationship. Saying "I love you" was a huge step, but honestly, marriage? Who can get married? That. . .that is crazy.

I wait until he calls me before I go over because that's what normal teenagers do. You don't wait for someone at their apartment with the key that you made yourself. You wait at home and you finish homework and put on your make-up as you wait for their phone call. That is normal, not this crazy commitment shit.

He calls and I play my Black Eyed Peas CD loudly as I slowly make my way towards "that part of town." You know, where all the loonies hang out and every man hits his wife and it's just not a place I'd like to end up, thank you very much. But it's better than the constant surveillance at mi casa and we're pretty much too broke to do normal dates for a while, so the bad part of town will do. It has to.

I walk into his house without knocking although I'm always scared to do that because it's just not civilized. I find him sitting alone in his room. "Paige," he says as warmly as Jay gets, which, after months of dating, has become not so warm at all "let's fuck."

I smile widely and clap my hands together with fake enthusiasm. "I've been waiting for you to ask that forever! Except, no, Jayson."

"Come on, baby, you can be on top."

"Take me out, Jay. Romance me. I'm not a stupid floozie, I'm not a tramp, I'm not Alex. I need something, I need dinner, dancing, roses on my birthday."

"Your birthday is in October."

I sigh and fall back against his bed's headboard. "You can't teach an old dog new tricks."

"Nor a leopard's spots, or whatever that thing is. So, fucking, yes/no?"

If it didn't come to this every night, I might have been surprised at his bluntness. But the truth is it did, and this question had been asked at least fifty times before. And I'm not sure when the point of my existence was just to watch him drown, here in his wretchedness, in his filth. But that thought didn't stop me from embracing his upper body and rearing into him like a bitch in heat.

After all, that is what normal teenagers do.

"_Here I go, so dishonestly,  
Leave a note, for you my only one.__  
And I know you can see right through me,__  
So let me go and you will find someone."_

I step out the church door like a ghost into the fog where no one notices the contrast of white on white. In one fell swoop it becomes clear to me that I need home entirely. I always thought I wanted so much more, but now I'm not really sure because I miss knowing someone's there for me.

I begin my walk down a busy New York street, focused on getting to my dorm room but not really focused on that at all, focused on getting home. Further than my shitty dorm room on the fourth floor of an almost deserted building on the edge of campus, but I want to go to my home, 490 some miles away.

My feet hit the concrete steadily for the first time, and I am finally seeing the faces of New Yorkers as faces: I notice the wrinkles in the forehead of a remarkably handsome elderly black woman and the dimples on the smooth, pale skin of a pre-schooler with red shorts. Beauty hides in the remarkable innocence of the streets of New York during the day; by night, these same streets will be infested with the lies that are only expelled through deep commitments to love, commitments I'm finally ready to make. I'm bleeding and I'm broken but I'm hers.

My right foot falls on a crack in the street and I don't flinch. I usually flinch. You know, step on a crack, break your mother's back. I remember being dared to do it the day my mother died. I did it and I stood with my foot on the crack defiantly for close to thirty seconds. I stood and I smirked and my best friend at the time, his name was Jami, he told me that I was a moron. I walked away and the next time I saw him, it was two days after the funeral, I pushed him to the ground and we didn't talk again.

I walk past my grocer and I realize how close my dorm is. I almost stop for some more root beer, my asshole roommate Mike drank the last one yesterday. I decide against it, because I'm pretty sure I'd rather wait until my paycheck before grocery shopping again, and I press on. The air is still unusually muggy and the girls are all wearing tank tops and short skirts, but I don't notice. Well, I do notice enough to see it, but I don't stare. It's pushing closer and closer to dusk, but everyone is walking and fanning off like we're in noonday heat. It feels like the end of the world, but it's not even the end of summer.

A woman six to eight steps in front of me drops her purse and tubes of lipstick, coins, and yellowed receipts fall around her heels. She stoops down, embarrassed, and after the four seconds it takes me to reach her spot on the sidewalk, I stoop down to help her. She looks like an avid fan of Sex and the City, a thirtyish woman with more style in her black and red pumps than I have in my whole wardrobe. She thanks me profusely and flashes a brilliant smile, but I'm not looking at her anymore.

I stand up and turn immediately in the opposite direction. Those eyes, I'd know those eyes anywhere. She wasn't looking at me, she looked lost, but it was her. I catch the sight of one of her shining studs in her belt and I push through the pedestrian crowd that seemed to appear out of nowhere, simply to block me in the one minute that I needed to be completely alone with the girl ahead of me. Her hair's gotten longer, I noticed, as I excuse myself for bumping into a businessman who looks distracted and barely notices my intrusion. She's closer now, within thirty feet. I wonder how she got away so quickly, I wonder how fast she's walking. I think about yelling her name, but I don't. I don't know why I don't, I just don't. I wonder where John Cusack and his oversized stereo and Peter Gabriel ballads are when you need them. I wonder why she's down here, if she's visiting and who she's visiting and why she didn't call. And then I remember that the number she had was for Kate's apartment and that I haven't lived there for, well, awhile, and that Kate probably bitched her out if she even called at all. I wonder why I expect her to call when it is that we haven't spoken for months and I wonder why I'm chasing her when she's my friend, only my friend, and my intentions in chasing her down this street are more-than-friendly...

But then I don't wonder anything at all. I'm inches behind her and my hand is reaching out on its own accord to touch her shoulder where her soft hair dusts my wrist. She turns around, obviously shocked and scared and she hugs her purse to her torso. "I'm not going to rob you," I say as she recognizes who I am.

"My God, Craig, Jesus Christ, don't scare me like that! How did you- where did you-" her faces contorts into its typical confused pout, and I can't help myself. I really can't. I've been waiting for a chance like this for months, for fucking years, and I can't let it slip through my fingers unnoticed.

"Ashley, let me talk for a minute. I swear, just a minute and I'll shut up. Do you know that moment when everything in your life just has fucked itself over one too many times and you're awake all through the night and you can't figure it out but you know that you need something, anything, to change what you've considered normal for the past however long and you just crack? Well, you probably don't. But I do. I had that moment. And as shitty as that moment is, you do things to fix yourself if you have that moment. And I've been fixing myself. I'm a Christian, Ashley, I am. I've made friends with this awesome priest, his name is Father Kevin and you have to meet him. He knows all about you. And I can see by the look on your face right now that you'd like to know why he knows all about you. And that I'll explain. Um, okay, well when I had my moment, it wasn't only a spiritual life I was missing. It was, it is home. I've been thinking of going back home since the moment I got here and I've been thinking about it more recently and Father Kevin was looking into good churches back home and everything was almost set in motion. The thing is, Ashley, I love you. And you can think I'm crazy for saying that but there it is. I love you. New York, Toronto, Tokyo, Ash, I'm going to love you. You've been my best friend and my worst enemy and my hope and my life and my disaster and all through this I've loved you. I wanted to be in love down here, I'd rather have been in love, but in the end, I'd much rather it be you running through my blood, clinging to every thread that clings to me. I held out for that feeling again. If you're with JT, then shit, I'm sorry, I should've never, but I needed you to hear it. And even if you don't feel the same, let me take you out tonight. There's a great restaurant in Chinatown and I have a lot of film and you inspire me. So, just, let me. Please. I'm done. You can talk."

She looks confused. She runs a perfectly manicured hand through her hair and it takes her a few more seconds to get it all the way through than it used to. Fuck, I'm so love sick, remembering the exact seconds it took her to trace her hand through her hair. . . "Why didn't you call? I always waited for your call."

"I tried to, I really did, but my fingers wouldn't work. They were too sore from staying crossed."

She smiles, and as much as I have exaggerated every aspect of her that I could remember for the past few months, her smile is even more golden than I remember. And this moment is so corny I could cry, but I simply wait for the rain that is sure to come as she steps forward and clears all of the fog in my head with one, simple, meticulously executed kiss.

We're on top of the world.

"_Here I go, scream my lungs out and try to get to you.  
You are my only one,__  
I'd let go, but there's just no one, no one like you.__  
You are my only, my only one,__  
My only one,__  
My only one,__  
My only one,__  
You are my only, my only one." _


End file.
